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(9 Posts)
PrettyCandles Wed 12-Aug-09 15:07:07

Is it your responsibility to make yourself attractive to your dp/dw/dh, or is it their responsibility to continue to find you attractive as you change through the years and experiences?

tiredoftherain Wed 12-Aug-09 15:17:42

Yes, and no.

I think there is responsibility on both sides to look after yourselves, to maintain your health and fitness where possible, and "letting yourself go" longterm just isn't attractive to anyone imo.

On the other hand we all age, have babies etc, and if your dp can't handle natural changes, then it would suggest a superficial relationship anyway.

tiredoftherain Wed 12-Aug-09 15:18:48

Wasn't referring to "your" DP in particular there, pretty, I realise you were asking a general question!

VinegarTits Wed 12-Aug-09 15:23:09

I dont think it a case of 'you are responsible' I think if you are 'yourself' and continue to be 'yourself' then your dp will still find you attractive, if you suddenly stop washing and become a minger then you cant blame them for not being as attracted to you, i also think attractivness comes from confidence and not from posh makeup/false nails/fake tan, if you are clean, well presented and confident, then you will be attractive to your dp, i think you owe it to yourself to be that

PrettyCandles Wed 12-Aug-09 16:46:02

It is indeed a general question, albeit prompted by awareness of the changes dh and I have gone through over the years.

Personally I also think that the OH should be able to handle natural changes, but if they did, for example, prefer 'you' to dye hair to cover white, how would you feel about going along with that? Or what if, OTOH, they wanted you not to wear make-up? My dh prefers me au naturel: un-dyed and un-made-up. Something which I have never had any issues going along with, even though I often fancy trying out new hair, and it's only his wishes stopping me.

How would you feel about being 'given' cosmetic surgery as a gift, for a part of your body that you don't consider to be a problem?

randomtask Wed 12-Aug-09 16:53:44

I'd feel insulted if I was given cosmetic surgery, unless of course I'd asked for it.

I agree attractiveness is about confidence. I know DH thinks I look lovely first thing in the morning with crazy hair and no make up, but I also know he loves me with 'raa out there' make up (electric blue eyeshadow etc). What he most likes is when I'm feeling sexy.

It works the other way though. I tend to find DH more attractive when he's happy and he's happier now even though he's going bald and hair keeps growing in the wrong places.....

Incidentally, when it comes to 'baby body' related attractiveness, DH told me not long after we'd got together that he'd loved his first wife's scars/stretch marks as they were from carrying his child (DSS). That made me feel like he'll be wonderful when we have children together and I won't be feeling attractive!

l39 Wed 12-Aug-09 17:26:49

'How would you feel about being 'given' cosmetic surgery as a gift, for a part of your body that you don't consider to be a problem?'

I would be livid. Cosmetic surgery is dangerous and painful. If my husband was so unhappy with my appearance he wanted me cut about, I don't think our relationship could survive.

bathcat Wed 12-Aug-09 18:10:07

I think it depends on individuals and how they value appearance.

For example, I've got two friends who were both thin when they met their partners. Both are now very big. In one case it hasn't made any difference and DH is as attracted and in love as he was in the beginning. In the other, her DP won't go anywhere near her and they no longer have a physical relationship which makes her very sad and unhappy. He's also embarrassed to be out with her, so they don't go out together.

For some people its a really big deal what their partner looks like. For others they think beauty is skin deep and love them for what they are.

I guess the trick is to find out which camp they belong to and pick someone with a similar outlook to yourself.

In answer to your original question. I would be mortified if I was given cosmetic surgery as a gift.

2rebecca Wed 12-Aug-09 19:27:08

I think you have to look after your body in the same way I think you should look after your mind. I don't mean dressing glamorously, but keeping fairly fit, not getting fat and flabby and keeping interested in life and keeping your brain working.
My husband married a sporty , slim, intelligent woman. Why should he continue to fancy me and want to live with me if I become fat and slobby and interested in nothing? People aren't saints or pets. If you want someone to continue to desire you and enjoy your company then you have to continue to make an effort. Same with my husband.
I hate cosmetic surgery (unless done for burns/ deformities/ cancer etc.)

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