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How can I get dh more involved during sex?

(11 Posts)
cupofteaplease Wed 12-Aug-09 08:34:38

Ok this is all a bit blush:

My dh never initiates sex, it's always me, but he never says no when I initiate things.

However, during sex he is very quiet. He doesn't say anything at all which I find really off putting. The only thing he says is my name when he reaches the point of no return. I'm sure he used to be more vocal during the early days!

How can I get him to be more verbal during sex- I'm not talking a script from a low budget porn film, but some interaction would be good! Any advice?!

whoisasking Wed 12-Aug-09 09:37:05

Have you told him that you'd like him to be more vocal?

Are you noisy?

warthog Wed 12-Aug-09 09:50:25

oooh i'm not verbal, and someone trying to make me talk would completely put me off. it's one or the other! like trying to pat your tummy and rub your head at the same time (although actually, i can do that...)

cherryblossoms Wed 12-Aug-09 10:39:02

cupoftea - no answers, only questions, I'm afraid. You don't have to answer any of them but maybe they might prompt a line of thinking, maybe.

How long have you two been together? Has it always been you initiating sex? Or was it more equal at some point and then something made it change? Is he very emotionally guarded in other areas of your life? Does he have confidence issues? Have you ever managed to get him to talk, openly, about what you both like to do sexually?

Tortington Wed 12-Aug-09 10:41:23

is he worried about the kids hearing? it might be a real concern.

ginnny Wed 12-Aug-09 11:24:52

"The only thing he says is my name when he reaches the point of no return"
I think thats really nice and quite romantic actually.
As for initiating it - maybe its just a habit he's got into. Have you ever been through a phase where you didn't want it and he did? If so, maybe he doesn't want to pressure you/fears rejection? Just a thought.
Talk to him about it.

Kitsilano Wed 12-Aug-09 12:08:49

Sorry but I just imagined him shouting "cupofteaplease!" at the point of no return and cant stop giggling!

nickelbabe Wed 12-Aug-09 12:14:58

ah, Kit, you've made me laugh too!

(sorry cupoftea, we know it's serious blush

Malificence Wed 12-Aug-09 13:03:35

An honest and upfront talk, maybe the morning after a good session, would seem a good time - instead of saying "why don't you ever" , try "I love it when you...." tell him you need to feel wanted sometimes, he probably feels that responding to you indicates his desire but you need to explain that it's the feeling of being wanted that's so incredibly sexy and a powerful turn on.
Tbh, how verbal / vocal we are depends on the type of sex we're having. Slow and sensual elicits more verbal interaction than wild and rough.
We always seem to have more conversation when I'm on top - not the "how was your day" type I hasten to add, definitely sexually charged, like how we like what the other is doing etc.
If I'm giving him oral, or vice versa, it's all moans and groans, with the occasional "oh yes".
As for initiation, I'm far more direct whereas he is quite subtle - if he tells me I smell nice it's always a clue.
I've been married for 25 years and we've really worked on getting our sex life going again, it takes a back seat when you are bringing kids up and all the baggage that comes with family life takes over.
Now we have more time together, it makes things much easier and it's been almost like going back to the beginning and discovering one another all over again.
Talking about what you want, in a non confrontational way, usually does the trick - how about a game, such as Monogamy? If he is a bit inhibited sexually then it could make things a bit easier for him.
Perhaps he just enjoys you being dominant and would like you to take things further?
I've recently realised, at the age of 43, that I like to be sexually submissive and be spanked, have my hair pulled etc. and generally be "controlled" sexually, only up to a point though, no ball gags or restraint straps thank you very much!
You may need to bring him out of his shell gradually, ask him questions that require more than a yes or no answer, like whether he would like you to do X or Y and why he likes it - if you're on top looking into his eyes and smiling, how could he not interact?
The words I like to hear from my hubby are " if you're good I'm going to turn you over". Dirty talk isn't essential either, we don't and never have done it, it's just not us.

cupofteaplease Wed 12-Aug-09 15:20:01

Sorry I went out earlier so didn't get the chance to reply.

kit that was actually quite funny!

Malificent that is exactly what I mean from your helpful post- I don't want dirty talk as such, but I'd like him to be in control so I can be more submissive. I find that a turn on- I don't like being the one who suggests positions etc- I'd like him to be more vocal about what he likes and take the lead.

In answer to cherryblossoms questions- How long have you two been together? 3 years (got together when dd1 was 9 months old). Has it always been you initiating sex? No- in the earlier days he wanted it more. Is he very emotionally guarded in other areas of your life? Not really- he is quite emotional and although he never loses his temper, he gets a little 'dramatic' about problems. Does he have confidence issues? No, although he doesn't have many close male friends, which I find hard to understand as I have many friends. Have you ever managed to get him to talk, openly, about what you both like to do sexually? No. In the earlier days, we used to watch a few mucky films and I told him I liked the idea of being mildly 'dominated'. He has never really said what he likes, other than he likes it slow every time, which I'm not into on a very regular basis.

Custy he's never mentioned that he is concerned about this.

ginny when I was pregnant with dd2, I didn't particularly want sex, but he never seemed bothered hmm

I hope I've answered all the questions!

Malificence Wed 12-Aug-09 15:50:08

You'll end up with a very dull and boring sex life if you don't get it sorted out - how long have you left him before "giving in" and initiating sex?
He sounds quite lazy tbh, liking slow sex requires very little effort, what would he do if you said you wanted him to flip you over and give it to you hard from behind?
I imagine most men would jump at the chance!
If he's this uninterested after only a few years, what's he going to be like as he ages?
My sex drive's gone sky high this year and my poor hubby even turns sex down occasionally 'cos I wear him out! I could happily have sex every day but he is happy with every 2 or 3 days - that's fine though because the sex is always fantastic.
It's a problem if you don't know what he likes - Have you actually asked him outright why he never initiates sex? I wonder if he's either got a low sex drive or some kind of "kink" that he's not comfortable sharing with you?
Perhaps he does want to be dominated - if you're both "bottoms" then it will be a struggle.

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