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DH doesn't want another baby....

(51 Posts)
BroodyLady Tue 11-Aug-09 23:36:40

....and I really, really do.

This is becoming a huge issue in our relationship. We have been arguing about it for months but we're going round in circles.

Firstly I have to say I feel very blessed to have 3 lovely healthy dcs. But I want, I need to do it again. I hope you don't think I'm being selfish - I know we are so lucky and some people would give anything to have one child let alone 3. DH feels so complete with the way things are, and nothing I have said so far could change his mind.

I am a SAHM, we can easily afford another dc, I have found such purpose and fulfilment from being a mother, it's what I do well, there is nothing else I would rather be doing.

I am starting to resent my husband for denying me this. I don't see a way out - there is no compromise. DH is a very level-headed person who doesn't make decisions lightly so I don't hold out much hope for changing his mind, but I feel so angry with him that I have moved house several times and coped on my own a lot when he was away working to support his career, but he won't recognise my need for my "career".

He says I should be grateful for what we have and that we're getting older and there are too many risks. I'm 35 and he's 36. I replied that this issue isn't going to go away, but we'll be even older later.

I would love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation. Thanks.

cazboldy Tue 11-Aug-09 23:45:11

I will watch with interest.

I have 5 dc

I am only 27

I do not want another dc right now, but am in he mindset of never say never - dh is adamant that dd2 is our last.

We haven't loads of room, and would need to change cars so practically it would be a bit difficult

it just seems so final.............

BroodyLady Tue 11-Aug-09 23:52:42

I know what you mean about final. It's such a personal thing, cazboldy, I would love 5 dcs personally, I always wanted lots.

cazboldy Wed 12-Aug-09 00:09:42

I know I am very lucky.......really, don't want to be greedy, but still......

friends say to me that the minute you have enough children you know it... you are content, and you know you don't want any more. i want to feel that way, but I don't!

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 00:13:06

Lots of my friends say that too! Mostly after dc2. They feel so sure they are "finished". I knew DH wanted 3 dcs so I hoped desperately I would feel finished after that, but I didn't, I knew I wouldn't deep down....

cazboldy Wed 12-Aug-09 00:16:08

Do you really feel 1 more would make you feel any different though?

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 00:26:42

I don't know if I would feel finished, but I am certain I want another dc.

I have told DH that if he agrees I will be sterilised after dc4. Pill doesn't agree with me, he hates condoms, and at the moment we are using what can only be described as "Catholic methods!" However, he is paranoid I will get pregnant which affects "relations".

FaceFook Wed 12-Aug-09 00:27:19

broody sad

i know how you feel and therefore have 6

this may or may not help ...but dh has said 'enough' a couple of times over the years and then changed his mind

like you - mothering is 'what i do' my career - my life!

Angifi Wed 12-Aug-09 00:27:53

I really sympathise with you, I have been through this too.My dh and I had 4 children, and I thought it was enough, though never had that "I'm finished now" feeling.Anyway when dc4 was a baby,it was really hard,I had a terribly stressful pregnancy as she wasn't planned and we were in the middle of building a house and I was working fulltime.She was a very discontented baby and when she was one I happily sent my dh off for a vasectomy.
Fast forward 3 years, my period is late, I take a test and it is negative.I was bereft...I realised I really wanted another baby.I was 38,running out of time, but certain I wanted another.My Dh was adamant that he'd had enough.
For two years I became more and more miserable about it.At one point I wanted to leave him because I just couldn't shake the desire and he just couldn't understand. I don't know why or how, but he eventually came to me and suggested he would have a vasectomy reversal so we could try for another baby.I couldn't believe it.He said it was because he could see I wasn't going to "get over it" and he loved me and would make the sacrifice for me. I think it is amazing that he did it for me.
I am happy to say this story does have a happy ending because at 41 I had my little boy. It has been a really wonderful thing for the whole family.He has brought so much joy. Of course the baby bug hasn't been cured in me.Despite my age (42) I would happily have another, however I don't think I can expect my dh to agree this time!
I hope you can work this out.I know how painful it is to be out of step with your partner and how it is impossible to shake the desire for a baby.It is hard.

hambler Wed 12-Aug-09 00:30:04

Stop fretting.
If you are using catholic methods you will soon be pregnant smile

FaceFook Wed 12-Aug-09 00:32:56

wow what an amazing story Angifi!

Are you me....?

I too have a son of 17 ( next week) and a difficult baby ( number 6 though!) who has just turned 1

I am 41 and still fertile i hope!

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 00:37:08

Thanks everyone,

Angifi what a lovely story. Your DH is a star - see, mine doesn't need anything reversed (yet) but he still won't go for the idea.

FaceFook I would be amazed if my DH changed his mind. He is very sure of his opinions (one of the things about him that I love and which also drives me crazy). I am holding out for him changing his mind just for me though.

Hambler, hope so, although I could imagine DH having a hard time accepting an "accident". But like I said, he's terrified to go anywhere near me. He's not keen on a vasectomy though, and I'm not sure why exactly (apart from fear!).

hambler Wed 12-Aug-09 00:48:14

broodylady, he would blooming well have to accept an accident if he is not keen on a vasectomy!

I am always of the opinion that it needs to be the decision of both parents to have another child but it sounds like you do all the kiddy stuff by yourself brilliantly and willingly(I am in awe of you for this!) and it would not really affect him.

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 14:31:20

Hambler I have tried that argument with him many times. Basically he works very hard and I do everything else. Because of his career we have moved around a lot and ruined my chances of going back to the job I did before, but that's fine with me as I have another career now. I don't want the same as before at all.

He is great with ths dcs when he has some time, really enjoys them etc. But the day to day slog is definitely all mine, apart from the financial side. He says it definitely WOULD affect him to have another dc.

His main arguments are:

1) There are too many risks at our age.
2) He wanted to have kids young (which we did) as he wants to still be young when they leave home.
3) He feels pressure to provide financially.
4) 4dcs is harder from a practical point of view - cars, holidays etc.
5) He just doesn't want another one and wants to concentrate on the 3 we have.

Please can anyone give me suggestions for how to talk to him about this? Thanks so much. I don't want to come across whiney and nagging but I need him to know how passionately I feel about this and that we are going to have problems if we don't sort it out somehow.

JigglyPiggy Wed 12-Aug-09 14:41:16

Hi broody

there was a similar thread yesterday that i posted on.

me and DH are currently talking through whether or not to go from 2 to three so a bit different to your situation.

I always wanted 3, don't ask me why thats just how i feel. DH is happy with 2. While pg we discussed this and both agreed not to do anything rash. To be honest we are still discussing it.

DH has been to GP and enquired about a vasectomy but nothing is booked. He is well aware that i will not be having any hormonal contraceptive methods as i feel it messes with my body far too much!

We are therefore in a kind of limbo but the discussions are'nt heated or dominated by one trying to badger the other.

Is it worth looking into you both discussing this with a third party involved? I only ask as sometimes its difficult to make any progress when you have been discussing something so important to both of you for any length of time and this maybe adding to the frustration

rek21 Wed 12-Aug-09 15:18:31

Broody, I know just how you feel. DH and I have been strongly advised not to have any more children (we have 2 DDs) due to a high risk of recurrence of the complications I had in my pregnancy with DD2, which were terrifying, traumatic and life threatening for both me and DD.

Despite being terrified of a repeat of the experience with DD2 I really would love to have another. DH always said he only wanted 2 and would be utterly horrified if I suggested another. He said before DD2 was born that he feels that 2 is the right number for us to concentrate all our resources on, emotional as much as financial. Also my mum has already told me that she has had nightmares about the thought of me getting pregnant again (not that she's part of the decision, but it shows how crazy I would have to be to go there again). sad DH has suggested a vasectomy but I won't agree to it yet.

I suppose I will just have to get used to the fact that our family is complete. On good days I can see that this is actually really liberating and gives us the freedom to move to the next phase of our lives, as the children grow. I will have the chance to start a new career (my old one was not much to write home about!) and we don't have to return to the chaos of newborns. Am I convincing anyone? smile

I'm sure your DH's practical arguments (cars etc) won't cut the mustard with you (they wouldn't with me anyhow!) but maybe he has a point about the risks and the chance to still be young when your DC's are grown. My parents are young and I can see that the time since my brother and I left home has been a great time for them. Can you see it from his point of view at all? At least it might help your discussions if you can acknowledge where he's coming from a bit. I hope you do resolve the issue happily.

hambler Wed 12-Aug-09 15:32:47

Broody, I suppose the bottom line is you can't really force someone to have another child when they have expressly said they don't want one.

of course the other side to this is he is depriving you of a 4th child - he is effectively forcing you not to have another.

One of you has to back down and you can't force another child on him when he REALLY does not want one, and you have 3 healthy children already.

It does not sound from what you say that he will change his mind. I think you have to abide by his express desire not to have any more

expatinscotland Wed 12-Aug-09 15:41:24

'he hates condoms, and at the moment we are using what can only be described as "Catholic methods!" However, he is paranoid I will get pregnant which affects "relations". '

And he's not 'keen' on vasectomy? WTF. So let me guess what he wants, for you to sort out the contraception. Or then, if you get pregnant again, you'll be one of these people posting yet another thread on here about a 'D'H who wants his spouse to have an abortion.

Sounds to me like if he hates condoms and won't get a vasectomy, then he may say he doesn't want another, but he sure isn't acting like it!

Imposing celibacy on your spouse because you can't take responsibility for contraction is a whole different thread, though!

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 15:44:59

Thanks again everyone.

I can see logically where my DH is coming from, but emotionally I can't just switch off my feelings. I can tell he feels pressured and wishes I would just let it drop, but it's not as simple as that. My youngest is 3 now and I do have moments when I think "This is soooo much easier now!", but it's like I'm trying to convince myself for the sake of keeping the peace with DH.

JigglyPiggy we are exactly like you, in limbo. He knows I'm not taking the pill, he mutters occasionally about a vasectomy but hasn't done anything about it and tbh I don't want him to as that would take away any chance of having another dc. I would be really upset if he just decided to do it.

rek21, that's hard for you. I can totally see why you wouldn't have another as the risk seems too big, but the feelings don't just go away.

Well, you know what I did? DH is away working again I said that when he comes home we have to have a serious dicussion about this. I feel like we have been talking on and off about this for months (years?) and whenever I don't talk about it for a while he thinks I've "got over it" but that's not the case.

No reply yet though.

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 15:52:41

Expat, part of me hopes I will get pregnant by accident, however I think DH would be resentful of the pregnancy he does not want. I hope he would accept it and by the time the child was born would be ready to love and accept him/her as I would. I know he would not ever ask me to have an abortion though - he is 100% against it. He is worried about a child being born with a disability as we are older and just because you "play the lottery" every time anyway. I am prepared to take the risk, although I realise that would be more stressful than I could ever imagine if a child did have problems.

WhatFreshHellIsThis Wed 12-Aug-09 15:53:45

BroodyLady can I ask you a question? And please don't take this the wrong way...but you've talked about bringing up children as being your 'career' and how you do the bulk of the work etc.....

do you have any plans for what you might do when your children grow up? do you have a career you'd like to return to, or other plans?

We have two DCs and I would love a third one (DP isn't sure), but this is also tempered with the knowledge that my career is currently stalled while I look after my children. However, once they are a little older I will be going back to getting my career moving, and that definitely helps me to feel better about moving on from the baby stage, iyswim.

Do you think one more will make you happy, or do you think when they start to grow up you will find yourself wanting another, and another, and another? Might finding something you want to do for yourself once your children are a bit older help you look forward to that time coming?

Just some thoughts, as this is something that is on my mind too at the moment. Hope your DH and you have a good chat about it smile

Not trying to

WhatFreshHellIsThis Wed 12-Aug-09 15:55:39

Not sure where that last line came from!

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 16:04:11

I don't have firm plans for my career, no. I recognise that I will need to "move on" as they get older and find something for myself. I went through quite a low time when dc3 was about a year old, trying to accept that she was my last one. I don't expect it to be easy to move on when the time comes, but I have said I will be sterilised if I have another, and I will be. I'm sure I'll still get broody, but I will have to deal with it - one more is all I can hope for considering DH feels 3 is enough.

Maria2007 Wed 12-Aug-09 16:21:29

Hi Broodylady,

Well, this is a difficult, emotional issue. The reason it's so difficult is that both you & your DH have strong feelings about this. So I think the main thing is for both of you to really listen & acknowledge each other's feelings, without judgment. That's easier said than done, actually. When feelings on such sensitive matters are so opposite to each other, it's very hard to listen what the other says. I don't think it's a matter of logical arguments, rather, it's about feelings, which is what makes it so hard.

However- and I'll try to say this as carefully as I can- I think there might be an issue that you may like to think about. You say 'it's what I do / there is nothing else I would rather be doing'. You also say somewhere that your husband is 'denying' you something. The problem though is that children- however many you have- do grow up. And eventually, at some point, you'll have to recognize (as you yourself say) that your life will move on & that they will move on too. And that is how it should be. And then your DH & you will be together, without children in the house. What I'm trying to say is- in my opinion your relationship to your DH is equally- if not more- important to your relationship to your DCs. He is not denying you anything, he is expressing his feelings & desires about his life, perfectly normal thing to do. I can understand you have found so much fulfillment out of being a mother, that's a fantastic thing. However, I have a sense through what you write that perhaps you want time to stop & things not to move on (or not yet). Thinking about what you'd like to do in the present or in the future apart from your children is, I think, a valuable thing. Not necessarily a career, but something that is only yours & which you love. I always believed that it's a bit of a heavy burden for children when they're the centre of their mother's lives- particularly as they grow up.

...Or I may be completely wrong with all this... but just wanted to express my thoughts in case any of this helps!

BroodyLady Wed 12-Aug-09 16:32:06

Maria I think you must be very perceptive to have got all of that from my posts! Most of it (but not all) is really quite accurate.

I readily acknowledge that I will have to move on. And you are right I don't want to, yet. I think this is partly just how I feel, but also a lot to do with our "set up" as a family. We have moved around various countries due to DH's work, making it more difficult for me to really find something to focus on, apart from the dcs. We have a vague plan to settle somewhere around the time they have to go to secondary school but until then we plan to keep moving. So for the time being this is the way it is. But I actually see that as another "argument" (not sure what they count for though!) for me to be able to fulfil my desires and ambitions to have a large family.

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