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He finally confessed to an affair - how do i forgive him?

(158 Posts)
megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:12:13

Some of you may have seen my previous posts including 'how do i know if he is lying?' Well my DH has finally confessed to having a full blown affair with a work colleague, admitting that he loved/loves her. He has said he can't lie anymore, so he called her last night to end it before confessiong to me, hoping that i will forgive him and move on. He says his love for her will fade.

His reason for this is 'feeling trapped' by marriage and fatherhood, although he is a devoted dad, he loves our dd to bits. I didn't pressure him to marry me, he proposed off his own back, picked the ring, complete suprise. We were engaged for nearly 3 years, so no rush there either. Now he can see his errors, wants us to grow old together. He admits to chasing her, that he was the instigator, but i guess she knew what she was getting herself into.

Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen. Even this morning she called him as he was dropping dd off at nursery and begged him not to finish with her. He told her it's over, and i believe that, as he would not have bothered telling me what he has done if he wanted to continue shagging her.

I've asked him to leave and said i have access to his phone bill so if i find out he has been contacting her then there is no hope. They work together, both police officers.

I want to call her but he says that she may try to get him into trouble for harassment, and we can't afford for him to lose his job.

I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms.

I don't know anyone who has gone through this before, so i really need some impartial advice / shared experiences of how couples can move on from affairs and blatant deceit.

Thanks :-)

cheesesarnie Tue 11-Aug-09 15:14:27

do you want to stay with him?

so sad for you.i couldnt forgive that tbh.

K999 Tue 11-Aug-09 15:16:57

His reason.."feeling trapped" - that old chestnut. He has lied and cheated. I know its hard but I could never stay with someone who had treated me this way. smile

buttercreamfrosting Tue 11-Aug-09 15:17:11

He's told you what he wants to happen now, but what do you want?

megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:17:37

Initially i thought yes. Then i thought 'can i spend the next 40/50 years with a man who has blatantly lied?' and now i honestly don't know.

My family and friends live miles away, i moved here to be with my dh after out little girl was born.

megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:18:28

I don't know what i want. He has moved out to give me some space. I am just relieved that it is out in the open, as i have suspected it for soo long.

Tamarto Tue 11-Aug-09 15:18:53

I'm so sorry, i hoped for your sake he wasn't.

he was feeling trapped = no excuse to have an affair.

What do you want to say to her?

He chased her by his own admitance, do you believe he has always told her he would never leave you?

Do you believe he is being totally honest with you now?

Don't be pressured into making this work because he has been 'honest' Do what you want councilling for you both would be a start.

mrsboogie Tue 11-Aug-09 15:19:36

if he is at risk from allegations of harassment then so is she. get him to email her and tell her he wants no further contact. Then he has a reord of what he sys and what her reply is.

Do you want to forgive him? what if he does it again?

OnlyWantsOne Tue 11-Aug-09 15:19:41

shitty situation he has put you in, but lots of respect and admiration for you - if you both seriously want to make it work then you will find a way.

Good Luck to you both x

Tamarto Tue 11-Aug-09 15:20:13

'I am going to the sexual health clinic to be tested as he admitted he didn't use condoms'

This is awful, he showed no regard for your health.

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 11-Aug-09 15:20:46

So he has an affair and he decides it's over and he will stay with you - don't you get a say in that?

He's going to stay with you. Oh how very good of him hmm. What if that's not what you want? Has he even asked what you want? Or are you supposed to just forgive, forget and play happy families?

do you really think you can do that?

And he'll still be working with this woman?

Dear god.

You need to think what you want, not just fall into line with what he's decided. If you decide you want to make a go of it, he should know that's your choice, not simply you obeying him!

expatinscotland Tue 11-Aug-09 15:20:59

'Apparently she hates me - as he is with me, and not her, and she has asked him to leave me, which he says he has always told will never happen.'

How sad that she thinks the best she can do is lying, cheating loser.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide, but I'd have to divorce my husband if he did this. I couldn't live with him anymore.

JigglyPiggy Tue 11-Aug-09 15:22:34

oh megmums I saw your previous thread but did'nt post.

I think the worse part here is the additional torture he has put you through with the lies and deceit.

Maybe this is the time to start afresh and say he has two choices stay with his bit on the side or show some commitment and move to the end of the earth to be with his family?

If i recall correctly you wanted to move back to be with family? If it was me i personally would go so i had the additional support.

megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:23:10

Thanks.

I honestly don't know what i want. I haven't slept all night, doctor has signed me off work so i can take some time out.

I asked him to call her in front of me, but it was the middle of the night and he wouldn't.

He knows that 'feeling trapped' is no excuse, he knows that is ALL his fault. He just wants me to forgive him and move on, no matter what that takes.

My dh never talks about his feelings and even her suggested marriage counselling.

I feel soo angry with her too, that she could ask him to leave his wife and little girl to be with her.

COW.

megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:26:45

I told him to go and live with her if that is what he wants. He says he doesn't want to be with her.

I have not grovelled to him to stay with me. I have more self respect than that. I have cried and got angry but have not begged him to stay.

He can't stop working with her in the short term, althought she is waiting for a new post to come up.

JigglyPiggy Tue 11-Aug-09 15:27:18

the trouble is you will never know what he's said / promised to her. she is irrelevant. It is him that you need to focus the anger on and its ok to feel anger / relief etc as even though you had suspected for some time this is still going to be a big shock for you

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 11-Aug-09 15:28:01

Forgive him and move on - yes, and don't talk about it, don't bring it up in the future, pretend nothing happened...

I wish you luck with whatever you decide and hope it works out for you.

cocolepew Tue 11-Aug-09 15:28:56

Only you can make the decision whether to stay or not.

Personally I'd never be able to forgive, or trust, my Dh ever again.

megmums Tue 11-Aug-09 15:30:23

"Forgive him and move on - yes, and don't talk about it, don't bring it up in the future, pretend nothing happened... "

I can never pretend this didn't happen.

How do people forgive their lying cheating husbands?

SummerC Tue 11-Aug-09 15:33:23

Oh megmums I am so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have any experience of this myself, but my gut instinct is that couples can not move on from something like this. You have been deceived and lied to and whats more, he has put your health at risk by refusing to use condoms with this other woman. On top of that he has told you that he loves her!! For me, that would be the final nail in the coffin. I think I could forgive the lying and the cheating, but the fact that he actually fell in love with someone else would be more than I could bear.

Ultimately, you have to decide whether you love and trust him enough to try to work through it. If you can truly forgive and forget and not use it as weapon against him years from now, then give it another try. If however, you do not think you can do this or you doubt whether you could trust him again - then maybe it is time to go your separate way.

I won't tell you what to do as that is your decision to make (and I do mean yours - he has very little choice in the matter imho). Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Big hugs for you!! (((((((((()))))))))))

JigglyPiggy Tue 11-Aug-09 15:37:37

that is a really difficult question.

personally i could'nt and would'nt forgive due to the fact that despite numerous opportunities to come clean he has'nt. instead he has made you feel terrible for even suggesting he could do such a thing. He clearly has had no consideration for you whatsoever and now because it suits him he wants forgiveness

For me it would be this level of lying that would be the killer.

myredcardigan Tue 11-Aug-09 15:37:53

Are you absolutely sure he is telling the truth? Are you sure it is not her who has ended it or that he has ended it because he's lost interest? Do you just have his word for it that she hates you?

I would want to talk to her. Not in a nasty way, because really, he is the one in the wrong, but to get her side. Perhaps she doesn't hate you and he has told her you hate her to try and discourage contact. Perhaps she could shed some light on a few things for you.

GOOD LUCK

clumsymum Tue 11-Aug-09 15:38:07

I'm afraid I can't see that I could ever get past this, if DH did it to me.

It is, I think the ultimate betrayal. I would never be able to trust again, and would see no point in staying together. I would be too hurt, too shocked, and probably resentful for a very long time.

Personally, I would try to be very calm, preserve a civilized relationship with H for the sake of the chidren, but basically start divorce proceedings.

I'm so sorry you are going thru this.

Tamarto Tue 11-Aug-09 15:38:48

The thing here is he didn't just lie, he made out like you were paranoid, blatently put your health at risk and now thinks if he takes the blame you can all move on and everything is rosey.

There needs to be respect from both people to make a relationship work, i'm failing to see any from him.

dittany Tue 11-Aug-09 15:43:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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