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difficult scenario, advice greatly appreciated....

(11 Posts)
sunburntats Mon 10-Aug-09 19:46:13

dear pal & her hubby. He had txt affair.
She forgave him. txt affair is defo over.
He now says he does not love her any more.
they have decided to have a good try at making it all work out.
He is making no effort at all.
She is desperate, doing every thing she can to make him happy.

she wil eventuallly get fucked off with this, then she will get angry, then she will kick him out and start her life over.

she keeps txting me, asking what she should say and do.I dont know what to say or do...any advice from any one been throguht this?

ilikeshoes Mon 10-Aug-09 19:56:51

Hav'nt been through this, but do know that when you make all the effort and the partner makes none, they get complacent, she should perhaps act like she does'nt give a sh*t,and start going out without him. But really she would be better off just leaving him, she can do better, probably not what she wants to hear

mrsboogie Mon 10-Aug-09 20:11:19

If he says he doesn't love her any more it is a no brainer; she walks away. Why would she want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with her? what can ever change to make this situation ok again? nothing in her power.

In this case, where he has said he doesn't love her, I cannot see the harm in telling her that she should let go. She is only putting them both through more misery in hanging on. He will leave again.

Spero Mon 10-Aug-09 20:14:41

Hmmmm. He might change his mind later and regret it. or he might not.

The best advice I ever got was to make sure that I didn't leave anything unsaid or undone that I thought might be helpful. Then at least the future regrets would not be mine.

I think that was sound advice. If you married someone I think you have got to give it a genuine go for a finite period of time. But if, at the end of that time, nothing has changed I do think you have got to walk away.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 10-Aug-09 20:42:04

If he doesn;t love her any more, ask her why he hasn't left or at least started making plans to move out. Suggest to her that this could be because he wants his domestic comforts to continue (his dinner cooked, his pants washed) but doesn't want to have to pay her any attention or treat her with any respect, and will quite happily pursue or sleep with other people as he has told her he doesn't love her so she can't expect anything from him.

If he has actually moved out, then the only thing she can do is accept that the relationship is over. Because you can't have a relationship when you are the only one who wants it.

BennyAndJoon Mon 10-Aug-09 20:45:56

What Solid said

My other thought was that he is acting this way because he wants to end it but doesn't want to be the "guilty" party who ended the marriage. So instead he is waiting for her to do it - then he can claim that "she kicked me out"

May be way off the mark, but hey

Spero Mon 10-Aug-09 20:49:55

It does seem to be quite common that men say they don't love you anymore thus absolving themselves from any further responsibility if you decide to stay. I think that is cowardly and pathetic, but I've come across quite a few examples in real life.

Whatever she does, she shouldn't let it go on indefinitely.

choosyfloosy Mon 10-Aug-09 20:54:17

Love can regenerate in the most surprising ways through a long relationship. At least he is still around - it's the first step.

I think she should get rid of her mobile, to be honest, and preferably his too.

And then she should get on with her life - perhaps you can take her out for an evening or two, maybe comedy or an absorbing movie or anything where she doesn't mull over it all?

Overmydeadbody Mon 10-Aug-09 20:58:18

What solid said.

Why is she making all the effort for a man who doesn't even love her? I bet he'd make more effort if she kicked him out and got on with her life. Men prefer what they can't have.

It's him that should be making the effort, and if he can't be bothered to then your friend should cut herself free.

Spero Mon 10-Aug-09 21:04:22

They don't always prefer what they can't have. Sometimes they are quite keen for you to kick them out.

So she needs to be sure that she has done what she can and then she needs to kick him into touch. But she can't rely on him then begging to come back.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 10-Aug-09 22:14:24

At the risk of a slight hijack here: when you say a 'text affair' was this an affair with someone he knew or was it via a 'sex text' number? Because if it was the latter, then there is a very strong chance that the OW doesn't actually exist - the 'women' on sex text services that are advertised in mags and on websites are paid operators and texts recieved from 'Horny Housewife Helen' are being sent by about 20 different people at different times.
I think in the case of the OP's friend though this isn't all that relevant as if her H doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship with her any more then whether he is chasing a fantasy figure or a real person doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be with his DP any longer.
And my advice to the OP's friend remains the same: you can't make someone love you or stay with you, and it is very unhealthy and demoralising to try. It's better to start moving on with your own life, treat the XP with detached politeness, don't discuss anything except access to DC and financial arrangements and seek support and good times with other people who care about you.

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