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I have a date tonight and feel sick about going

(12 Posts)
2Shy2Date Mon 10-Aug-09 16:07:46

I have been single for nearly a year and in that time I have been on 4 dates with 3 different men.

I have a friend who has been consistant in telling me that he wants to date me, I hgave always been put off because he is two years younger than me and I don't like the idea of dating a younger man/lad.

But I agreed to go out with him tonight for his 21st birthday and tbhy I don't really want to, he is a lovely guy, he really is, but I am just not attracted to him, he was in my little sisters year at school.

I have been invited out on dates in the men time and have turned them down or chickened out at last minute.

So I guess there are two seperate issues here, the one about getting too anxious about going out on dates, and the one with this lad, I feel like I can't back out now because it is his 21st birthday and he has chosen to spend it with me, I feel like I would ruin it if I backed out now (with less than 4 hours notice)

Aaaargh, what do I do?

StayFrosty Mon 10-Aug-09 16:25:07

2 years younger is nothing. But it sounds like there are other things stopping you from seeing him as date material. I think the fact that he has asked you out on an occasion like his 21st is making you feel pressure. You refer to him as your 'friend' so presumably you have other stuff in common and see each toher socially? He has chosen to spend this time with you, presumably he knows you and likes your company, so I would give yourself a break, treat it as a drink and a laugh with a mate, and try and leave the other stuff to one side and enjoy the evening for what it is.

tammybear Mon 10-Aug-09 16:25:27

You shouldn't cancel on him. Especially as it's his birthday. Will it just be the two of you?

I think you should go, and see how you feel. Perhaps just think of it as you two are just friends hanging out. If after you still don't feel much other than a friend for him, you can explain that to him. Least you've given him a chance and see what happens.

Also, can think of a reason as to why you get too nervous to go on dates that ends up in cancelling them last minute? It's always natural to be nervous before one, but there may be something that's underneath it as to why you cancel.

2Shy2Date Mon 10-Aug-09 16:47:41

If I am honest, it is really shallow why I don't like him, he has curly ginger hair and is balding on top, it really puts me off. I usually have nothing against red heads, in fact I find them quite fanciable alot of the time.

He does have a lot of good points, like he is ambitious, hard working, is kind, he even owns his own boat.

But he still lives with his mum and his spelling is awful, something else that really puts me off.

I was in a violent relationship before becoming single and I am so afraid of falling into the smae trap again, so much so, it would seem I would prefer to dellberately stay single...

It is just going to be the two of us, but I am thinking about just having him at mine for a drink where my sister and her fiance will be.. that way at least we won't be alone

StayFrosty Mon 10-Aug-09 16:56:01

You can't talk yourself into fancying someone if that 'thing' isn't there. You're doing absolutely the right thing not rushing into a relationship just for the sake of being half of a couple. tbh I would find it off putting to be pressured into the first date being a big Occasion.

I think you're right to try and make it as relaxed and informal as possible and involve mutual friends, have a nice time as friends (you deserve some fun) and just be gentle but firm about not wanting to take it any further romantically - at least you've given it a go.

boudoiricca Mon 10-Aug-09 16:58:58

I really think you should see him tonight. Really. Partly because you need to get into the momentum of going out and seeing people. The more often you do it the easier it'll be next time. The more often you put it off the harder it'll become to make yourself go in future. You can also see this nice sociable evening as a practise run for a date with someone you might meet later you who really like - it'll help conquer future nerves.

Also, think how terrible this poor guy will feel if you stand him up on his 21st Birthday! I bet he's feeling every bit as nervous as you (if not more so) and if you stand him up at this short notice it's surely something that will play on his mind forever. You can't ruin his 21st! I know I would make myself go because I couldn't make someone else feel that miserable.

Physical attraction is important, but sometimes people can grow on you as you get to know them. And even if he doesn't a good male friend is always a bonus.

I think it would be nice to go out somewhere - maybe your sister and her fiance would come and join you for a drink too? They could always leave you in peace later. Or he could meet you for a drink at their place first and then the two of you could go on for a drink somewhere afterwards if that is less stressful?

2Shy2Date Mon 10-Aug-09 18:55:57

OK, I am going, I don't think I ever would have not gone really, I just feel really anxious about it.

My sister and fiance are babysitting for me, so if they were to have a drink with us it would be at mine.

Aaargh, well, I should go get ready :S

SolidGoldBrass Mon 10-Aug-09 20:47:06

If you like him as a friend, then enjoy his company but do not say or do anything that suggests you are treating this as a 'date' and if he refers to it as such, say with a big smile that you don't think of him romantically and change the subject.
But do you like his company? Is he your friend? Or is he a man who has decided that you are a single woman, therefore you are sexually available to him and he will get to have sex with you sooner or later because, after all, you are single and must be desperate, and all your objections are just because you are a silly woman who doesn't realise that you need to belong to a man.

Basically friends, and nice men, do not pressure people to date them having been turned down, so I am always a bit hmm about these allegedly 'nice' men who smilingly and persistently refuse to acknowledge a woman's refusal to want sex wiht them...

Daisypops Mon 10-Aug-09 21:20:44

Aww good luck shy2date. I feel physically sick when i have dates so I know how you feel. LMAO re his bad spelling. I was put off a bloke once for wearing flip flops on the first date!

tammybear Tue 11-Aug-09 17:52:47

Lol Daisypops.

So how did it go 2shy?

2Shy2Date Tue 11-Aug-09 22:18:08

Urm, he drank too much, fell asleep, threw up all over my sons toys, refused to wake up and leave and was a bit of an arse when we put ice lollies down his top to wake him upso he could go.

It was a shame because before he did that i was actually thinking I quite liked him, i hadn't seen him in a while and he wasn't as half as geeky as i remembered him.

Cleaning up his sick has kind or turned my stomach though

I do feel as though i have a bit of a fond spot for him though...

SolidGoldBrass Wed 12-Aug-09 00:29:24

OK he is only (just) 21 so not the worst sort of thing in the world but, you know, don't expend too much effort trying to make yourself want to be his girlfriend. It is perfectly all right to be single. And do you fancy him enough to be happy about a lifetime of wiping up his spew, if he did turn out to be perpetually unable to handle his drink?

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