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Searching for biological father.....

(16 Posts)
fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 15:40:22

Hi ladies

i am a regular poster but i have name changed as this is very personal. I am not even sure if this is the correct place to post.

First of all since i can remember the person who brought me up and who i called dad i never felt any bond with him whatsoever and i always suspected he was not my real father, i confronted my mum several times about this and questioned her and i always got told not to be so stupid etc etc. They ended up divorcing when i was 14 and i didnt really stay in contact with my dad as i never liked him however my brother did.

2 weeks before i turned 18 my mum sat me down and said she had something to tell me, low and behold my dad wasnt my real dad and she told me what my real dads name was. she said she had been scared of telling me the truth. I said i had no desire to try and find him at the time and she told me a very very brief history of what happened. They went to school together and she ended up getting pregnant and his parents wanted them to get married, neither of them felt ready so his parents told her to get rid. My grandparents were fully supportive of her keeping me and obviously she did. They were still in a relationship when i was born and i was told he was dissapointed i wasnt a boy. He used to come round and visit me sometimes but bought silly things for me like dog chocolates and stuff. Then my mum met a new guy who i had assumed was my dad for all these years and they moved away and that was the end of contact with my real dad. My mum has told me he was a waste of space and he has made no effort to contact me.

So now years on from finding out this information i am starting to dream of meeting my real dad and what he looks like etc. I have very little information and i feel i cannot broach the subject with any of my family and if i was to track him down it would have to be something done by me alone with the very little information i have.

I am fully aware that he may have a new family of his own now and they might now be fully aware of his past. the last thing i want to do is turn his life upside down by entering into it out of the blue all these years on.

I feel i just need to see him, what he looks like not even have a relationship with him.

what would you do? has anyone been in this situation? where would you start?

I know his parents live in a little village where my family live so i could not use them as a starting point as it would get straight back to my family.

I have his surname but i dont feel i can just call out of the blue all of these numbers and try and locate him.

Thanks for listening sorry if it has been confusing but im typing quite fast whilst my toddler is sleeping.

fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 15:42:20

sorry his family might NOT be fully aware of his past

MorrisZapp Mon 10-Aug-09 15:46:33

I've worked in this area and your instincts are right - he almost certainly has a family now who almost certainly don't know of your existence.

Sorry to say, he may also be dead, not a nice thought but bear it in mind so you don't get a horrible shock if he is.

If he is still alive he may welcome contact or he may be absolutely horrified, nobody can guess or say.

Is his name quite an unusual one or is it on a par with Peter Smith, Paul Jackson or similar?

MorrisZapp Mon 10-Aug-09 15:47:24

obv am not asking to you say his name, just how common it is

randomtask Mon 10-Aug-09 15:50:45

Could you search him on google or facebook?

It's a really difficult situation and it must feel impossible to know what's the best route of action to take. Maybe if you know some information about him (would one of your Mum's friends from 'home' know?) then you could decide what to do.

Sorry I've probably not been much use, if I think of anything else, I'll post again.

fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 15:51:03

His name is not common no, i have done a search and there are 2 listed with his initial.

the only steps i have taken is i have emailed 2 people on friends reunited who went to the same school and around the same age, hoping they are siblings?!

fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 16:06:58

random - i did a search on google and facebook and there is nothing.

i only have the address and phone number as i went on 192.com.

i wrote a letter years ago to him but just never built up the courage to post it.

fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 16:08:53

i thought about asking my partner to call the numbers as he went to the same school but years apart asking if he went to the school and if he remembers certain names and making up a fictional school reunion and once i know it was definately him and his contact details taking it from there.

but then i do not like the deception aspect of this.

Doha Mon 10-Aug-09 18:49:28

Why do you not want your family to know. I think your mum knows that you will try to find him one day. Can you not tell her you want to meet him.

Don't delay too long l did and my mother was dead but l got to know some of my 1/2 siblings.

I would start with the telephone number you have but only do this if you can face he fact that he might not have told his new family anything about your existance AND you can face the possibility that he may want nothing to do with you.

Have you tried genes reunited --l did

Good luck

fathersearch Mon 10-Aug-09 23:54:42

doha - i have mentioned to my family in the past about contacting him for a photo and out of curiosity and it has been shrugged off. my mum is concerned and says she would be very upset if i ever contacted him other opinions are he is a waste of space.

i do not want to upset my family by doing this, we also have a lot going on at the moment between the family so this would be the last thing from the past that needed dragging up.

i am aware he may not want to speak/see me. that is fine. i really would just like to see him and take it from there.

i want to do this with minimal destruction on both sides if possible. i will not compromise family relationships for me or for him.

Doha Tue 11-Aug-09 17:10:09

I can relate to your family not wanting to know--mine don't know and won't know as l know they would be upset.

For me the need to know was overwhelming--l had to see whhat she looked like and didn't really give much thought to her "other" family sad.

You have at least a starting point with an address and phone number. There is no harm in phoning to ask (or your DP)if you can't.
Just ask if he is "joe bloggs" who went to "such and such" school. Then just take it from there.
If neither of these names are the correct person then do a search with the information you have in the Registrars office for birth /marriage certificates--it can be done.

Alternativly hire a private detective if you can afford one.

Good luck with your search---hope you are successful

fathersearch Tue 11-Aug-09 20:18:12

thanks doha. i do feel completely torn but as you say the need to know kind of over rides everything.

I am a couple of weeks away from giving birth so think i shall wait until after the birth then make it my mission to track him down.

Thanks for all of your advice. smile

ActingNormal Tue 11-Aug-09 20:37:43

Hi Fathersearch

I felt similarly to you about finding my birthparents - that I just needed to see what they looked like at the very least. The curiosity is overwhelming and the need to get some idea of where you came from. I think if you don't do it you will always feel there is something unfinished that you still need to do.

Please try to prepare yourself for if it doesn't go the way you want it to though. Saying that probably won't make much difference as you can't help but have a mental image of what it will be like to have contact and I think that even if the outcome is not good it is still something you will feel a need to do. It's just that it is painful if you don't get along the way you had hoped. Maybe wait to do it until you feel you are in an 'easy' enough phase of your life to withstand some intense emotional stuff.

I would be terrified about phoning - sorry that's not very helpful - I found it easier to write letters and emails to start with. Maybe there is some way you could get his address? I would want to say something that if overheard/read and the people around him don't know about you, they won't guess what relationship you are to him. Could you say something like I'm trying to trace people I knew as a child for research purposes and I think you may be one of them. My name was x and I was born on y date and my mother's name is z?

Doha Tue 11-Aug-09 21:42:41

Congrats on the impending arrival fathersearch.
I dont think this is the best time to be trying to contact your dad. Hormones will be flying all over the place just now and in the first few months after delivery.

Get throught the next few months and enjoy your baby. To take this mission on you will have to be mentally prepared for any possible outcome and the possibility of rejection.

Just remember it is the present that really matters---you your DP and your impending DC, you cant change the past and finding/meeting your dad will only change your future if you want it to.

Will be thinking about you over the next few months. grin

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 12-Aug-09 00:38:09

The Salvation Army have a family member tracing service - it may be worth contacting them as they can act as intemediaries.

2rebecca Wed 12-Aug-09 11:07:27

I think your mum is being unreasonable in telling you your father is a waste of space. He was only 16 when she last saw him by the sounds of things. If he was such a waste of space why did she go out with him. His parents know of your existence and wanted your mum to marry their son so they weren't that unsupportive. I think your mum has behaved very badly in lying to you about who your father is and not trying to keep any sort of contact with your father when she met your stepdad who she then pretended was your father. I would ask for more details from her and not care if she gets upset. She deserves a bit of upset for all her lies.
Yes, your father may well have a wife and other children by now, but it's not as though he adopted you or was a sperm donor. He knows he had a child and will probably expect that he will hear from you one day.
I'd keep searching, but keep expectations of his response when you find him low to avoid disappointment. He may have thought of you alot over the years though.

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