Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

1st love back again!

(15 Posts)
Sunshine78 Mon 10-Aug-09 13:19:01

I broke it off with my 1st and if I am honest true love 15 years ago. He could never decide if he wanted me or not, was a lazy lay about who would not commit and my parents hated him and where releived when it finished.

I went on to meet and marry a man who I love we have 2 dc (who I really do not want to hurt in any way) we have been married over 10 yrs and had no real problems and over come everything life throws at us.

1st love has got back in touch (I now live over 100 miles from him so have no met him) saying he has changed - got a job not afraid to commit etc and that he has always loved me and thinks dh is a very lucky man. He wants us to meet up (as friends)

Since all this I cant help thinking what it would be like to be with him again - have always loved him. for the followin greasons this would be bad:

1 distance between our homes
2 have a better standard of living with dh than would have with ex
3 dh family are very well off and due to my past health fear would loose my kids who are everything to me.
4 My parents would be on dh side and disown me.

Even with all the above I kepp imagining us meeting as friends and the inevitable happening (which is totally out of character for me)

want to see him again but can i trust myself and what would it acheive only to cloudy everything even more and cause a lot of heartache - I cant get him out of my mind - Try to tell myself I am seeing everything through rose tinted glasses and how can I love someone I've not had any contact with for well over 1o years - we have both changed so much would we actually love the new us.

Sorry so long but I need advice.

Thequeensfool Mon 10-Aug-09 13:38:47

Oh dear. Threads pretty much identical to your own appear on this board all the time.

It's the bloody curse of humdrum family life - wistfulness!

And when that old wound pops open again, it can be easy to lose a grip on reality.

My advice to you is to leave the past in the past. Heartache will ensue, I guarantee it.

I speak as someone who currently feels as if they are having their heart broken all over again - not pleasant.

Sunshine78 Mon 10-Aug-09 13:57:30

Ta queensfool - think it is the humdrum of life plus this year we have been under alot of stress of the credit crunch and various family members health and so the other side of the fence can appear greener but my head tells me it want be.

beanieb Mon 10-Aug-09 13:59:16

how did he contact you?

Sunshine78 Mon 10-Aug-09 14:29:59

Got my mobile no from a mutual friend (who is not very savy to these situations being delicate)

mummylin2495 Mon 10-Aug-09 14:36:20

dont agree to meet up with him.You are someone elses wife and a mum.The fantasy is not always the reality.

beanieb Mon 10-Aug-09 14:38:17

change your number, block his calls.

randomtask Mon 10-Aug-09 14:46:45

I've sometimes wondered what I'd do if my ex (who sounds just like yours except mine was such a commitment phobe that my parents never met him) got back in contact and then I remember the reason I married DH-I love him and all the things that my ex was rubbish at, DH is perfect at. So I almost married the opposite to him, the only things that are the same are the good things.

It's very much the grass is greener and I bet he hasn't changed at all. He's just got a bit more desperate and decided to make the effort at last, 15 years on.

Just think about why you dumped him and believe that if he was the right man, he'd have been the right man then. It sounds like you have a good (and supportive) relationship with DH and that's worth more than a reminiscent meet up. smile

Lolabelle Mon 10-Aug-09 14:58:35

Something similar happened to me really recently, got back in contact with my first love after 18 years and we spent housr emailing each other and i subsequently fell back in love with him instantly. After much heartache and me lying in bed all night dreaming of what it would be like to wake up with him every day as opposed to my Dh of 11 yrs we decided the level of pain involved (he had a partner too) would be too much to inflict on our partners and obviously children. We love our partners and have each weathered many a storm with them and the truth is we loved the pedestal version of our love. It was never allowed to get stale and boring as it was never given the wings to do so as we cut it short before it had the chance, i guess we had immortalised it and it wasn't as real as the relationship i am in now. I have no doubt if we had stayed together all this time we'd be in just as much of a rut as relationships tend to do that from time to time after time and its our job equally to realise that and try to mend any weak points together although i appreciate with children this is a little hard at times! I guess what I am saying is I still love and adore my first love and i have had to put him firmly back on that pedestal and i can't deny he often pops up in my dreams at night (i have no control over my subconscious!) but the reality of losing my dh whom i obviously love and not only breaking his heart but the hearts of my amazing children who adore their daddy isn't worth itching any scratch however big it is. I suppose if i fell out of love with my dh and was really unhappy before i met my ex again then maybe but the truth is that i do love him and its just a little dull and comfortable. Still get pangs of pain over having to lose my ex all over again but nopt as much pain as i would from the alternative. Glad we stopped before people got hurt and i hope you do too as your dh could find out and you could lose him anyway. Good luck x

Sunshine78 Mon 10-Aug-09 18:51:29

lola - I have read your post in tears you sound that you were as split as I feel. My first thought is like yours I dont want to hurt my dc. Also as you say I am puttinh that love on a pedestol and as you point out that love never had to deal with day to day life (we never lived together)

Just got to push him out of my mind and get on with life.

thesouthsbelle Mon 10-Aug-09 18:58:07

I never lost touch with my 1st love, he is and always has been the one I loved. recently i've moved back to the town we're from and we met up for coffee etc, things felt so right, however after a few days I realised, he's not able to give me what I need, i'm in love with the idea of him being my first love not him per se,

you stand to loose a lot, just think the grass isn't greener.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 10-Aug-09 20:50:45

Look, you split up with him because he was a lazy, selfish tosser, and by the sound of it he still is. 'I've changed and would love to meet as friends' almost certainly means 'I have lost my hair and my looks, my most recent partner has binned me because I am crap in bed and won't lift a finger round the house, i am living in a crap bedsit but I fancy a shag and some ego-stroking, maybe Sunshine78 still has a soft spot for me, it's worth a try.'

mummylin2495 Tue 11-Aug-09 13:30:43

i agree with sgb

Lolabelle Tue 11-Aug-09 19:44:36

Sunshine it will be painful but i never lived with my first love either and all the humdrum things that i have with my dh never happened with us. I tried thinking of him farting or stinking the bathroom out or being moody for no reason and i wondered how long it would be until i started missing my dh and it sort of worked. A few wines and i still get the pang of pain deep inside or if i'm listening to teh radio and certain songs come on but I do think you are doing the right thing staying away. If your relationship wit hyour partner ever ends and hes still single and around then i reckon that is definitely worth a shot but otherwise probably not, good luck honey x

screamingabdab Tue 11-Aug-09 19:51:42

What SolidGoldBrass said

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now