hello you guys, ive been reading through some threads and feel that ive maybe found the best topic to get some advice on how to deal with my emotions, long long story short, my mum is a messed up troubled woman who i feel guilty in saying has programmed me with a way of thinking that is negative, agumentative and generally very paraniod and negative, i never really noticed that id been involved in emotional abuse until i had my first dd (now 4) i just accepted my life before and got on with things,it was my reality after all, i had my gran to fall on as my dad and sister had their own trouble with her and took her side for a quiet life, memories of being kicked out when 12 or 13 for not tidying my room, hving to sleep in a car because she warned my poor bullyed gran into not letting me stay with her, being ignored over christmas as punishment etc etc, once i got to the age to move out i did and never told her anything that went on in my life as that way she had no real ammunition to punish me with, she would use anything to break you down so she could control you, i didnt have my daughter till i was a bit older so you could imagine the culture shock and i was really vunerable, and really craved a proper mum and daughter relationship with her, que controlling nasty mother bullying, near the end of my pregnancy she emotionally bullied me to the point of i thought i was gonna have a meltdown, and still i chased the fantasy of the perfect family with my new child having a grandmother, (she has two other GC whom she spoils rotten and controls, both them and my sis and BIL) she had a fight with me over the phone when i was in labour telling me what a lousy daughter id been etc, when my daughter was born after a very traumatic 50 hour labour with failed forceps and vontouse delivery i ended up with a c section and understandably felt very tired, my dd had a really sore head and mw adv no holding from visitors for a week or so, this was of course a problem for my mum and she caused such an atmosphere in the hospital that my dh decided to stand up to her, que one full year of being ignored annd of her alienating every member of my family sis bil neices father aunt etc, from me until i begged her forgiveness, i crumbled and did let her in with all her promises, this lasted 3 months as dh wont take her nastyness and bullying anymore, since then my mum and dad has done exactly the same thing 3 times and this time i feel much stronger about never letting them all back in my life, im 8.5 months pregnant with my second child and realise that its not my fault its just the luck of the family your born into, but recently my mil (who is quite similar) started bullying my dd and ive decided to just keep my daughter away, my dh agrees, right now im struggling with the anger i feel toward them all, their all getting on with their lives in what seem like relative happiness and im sitting here with the backlash of years of emotional abuse trying my best to stop the cycle going onto another generation, i worry that my fretting and stress has in some way damaged my unborn child and any overheard dramas that may have been heard by my dd, god i know ive went on a bit in all your eyes but this is just a tiny percentage of the whole picture, i do try and most days/weeks go by and im truly so happy and positive and then i either get let down by a friend or hear how the "family have all been to turkey for a holiday" and im rock bottom again, being cranky taking my feelings out on my dh etc etc, ive done counceling and worked out why all these things happen but it hasnt changed my mind set on how i deal with it all i just want to let go and say F* them all and get on with being happy. sorry for going on but id be truly grateful for anyones time and effort in giving me some insight in how to deal with it, maybe someone has experienced the feelings of abandonment and have now came out the other side,
kind regards and thanks for putting up with me.
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just have to get off my chest (again) still need to deal with my anger
13 replies
paranoidmom · 10/08/2009 12:41
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