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just have to get off my chest (again) still need to deal with my anger

(14 Posts)
paranoidmom Mon 10-Aug-09 12:41:31

hello you guys, ive been reading through some threads and feel that ive maybe found the best topic to get some advice on how to deal with my emotions, long long story short, my mum is a messed up troubled woman who i feel guilty in saying has programmed me with a way of thinking that is negative, agumentative and generally very paraniod and negative, i never really noticed that id been involved in emotional abuse until i had my first dd (now 4) i just accepted my life before and got on with things,it was my reality after all, i had my gran to fall on as my dad and sister had their own trouble with her and took her side for a quiet life, memories of being kicked out when 12 or 13 for not tidying my room, hving to sleep in a car because she warned my poor bullyed gran into not letting me stay with her, being ignored over christmas as punishment etc etc, once i got to the age to move out i did and never told her anything that went on in my life as that way she had no real ammunition to punish me with, she would use anything to break you down so she could control you, i didnt have my daughter till i was a bit older so you could imagine the culture shock and i was really vunerable, and really craved a proper mum and daughter relationship with her, que controlling nasty mother bullying, near the end of my pregnancy she emotionally bullied me to the point of i thought i was gonna have a meltdown, and still i chased the fantasy of the perfect family with my new child having a grandmother, (she has two other GC whom she spoils rotten and controls, both them and my sis and BIL) she had a fight with me over the phone when i was in labour telling me what a lousy daughter id been etc, when my daughter was born after a very traumatic 50 hour labour with failed forceps and vontouse delivery i ended up with a c section and understandably felt very tired, my dd had a really sore head and mw adv no holding from visitors for a week or so, this was of course a problem for my mum and she caused such an atmosphere in the hospital that my dh decided to stand up to her, que one full year of being ignored annd of her alienating every member of my family sis bil neices father aunt etc, from me until i begged her forgiveness, i crumbled and did let her in with all her promises, this lasted 3 months as dh wont take her nastyness and bullying anymore, since then my mum and dad has done exactly the same thing 3 times and this time i feel much stronger about never letting them all back in my life, im 8.5 months pregnant with my second child and realise that its not my fault its just the luck of the family your born into, but recently my mil (who is quite similar) started bullying my dd and ive decided to just keep my daughter away, my dh agrees, right now im struggling with the anger i feel toward them all, their all getting on with their lives in what seem like relative happiness and im sitting here with the backlash of years of emotional abuse trying my best to stop the cycle going onto another generation, i worry that my fretting and stress has in some way damaged my unborn child and any overheard dramas that may have been heard by my dd, god i know ive went on a bit in all your eyes but this is just a tiny percentage of the whole picture, i do try and most days/weeks go by and im truly so happy and positive and then i either get let down by a friend or hear how the "family have all been to turkey for a holiday" and im rock bottom again, being cranky taking my feelings out on my dh etc etc, ive done counceling and worked out why all these things happen but it hasnt changed my mind set on how i deal with it all i just want to let go and say F* them all and get on with being happy. sorry for going on but id be truly grateful for anyones time and effort in giving me some insight in how to deal with it, maybe someone has experienced the feelings of abandonment and have now came out the other side,
kind regards and thanks for putting up with me.

tiredoftherain Mon 10-Aug-09 12:59:53

Oh, what a time you've had. sad for you. I haven't experienced this myself, but my Grandma behaved very similarly towards my mum, and ultimately Mum had to distance herself from her for her own sanity. Grandma died last year and the overwhelming emotion was relief. We worked out that Grandma had some kind of narcissistic or paranoid personality disorder that meant she couldn't and wouldn't change.
Your feelings are totally normal and understandable, and now you've broken the cycle, your children will be fine. It might be worth carrying on with the counselling for a while until you feel a bit stronger. Good luck with your pregnancy, you sound to be a great mother.

prettyfly1 Mon 10-Aug-09 13:00:22

Hi Hon

This is a little bit difficult to read. Would you mind terribly reposting but breaking it up a bit. Sounds like your having a dreadful time.

Lemonylemon Mon 10-Aug-09 13:02:49

Can you repost with paragraphs please? I'm finding it a bit difficult to read through your post..... thanks!

paranoidmom Tue 11-Aug-09 15:14:32

yes will do just blurted it all out,sorry, im a newbie to this site so dont know how to insert things, think ill just repost, thanks for the replys.

lizziemun Wed 12-Aug-09 08:40:37

Ok reposted with paragraph's for you.

hello you guys.

I've been reading through some threads and feel that i've maybe found the best topic to get some advice on how to deal with my emotions.

Long long story short, my mum is a messed up troubled woman who i feel guilty in saying has programmed me with a way of thinking that is negative, agumentative and generally very paraniod and negative.

I never really noticed that i'd been involved in emotional abuse until i had my first dd (now 4). I just accepted my life before and got on with things,it was my reality after all.

I had my gran to fall back on as my dad and sister had their own trouble with her and took her side for a quiet life.

Memories of being kicked out when 12 or 13 for not tidying my room. Having to sleep in a car because she warned my poor bully'd gran into not letting me stay with her.

Being ignored over christmas as punishment etc etc, once i got to the age to move out i did and never told her anything that went on in my life as that way she had no real ammunition to punish me with.

She would use anything to break you down so she could control you, i didnt have my daughter till i was a bit older so you could imagine the culture shock and i was really vunerable, and really craved a proper mum and daughter relationship with her.

Que controlling nasty mother bullying, near the end of my pregnancy she emotionally bullied me to the point of i thought i was gonna have a meltdown, and still i chased the fantasy of the perfect family with my new child having a grandmother, (she has two other GC whom she spoils rotten and controls, both them and my sis and BIL).

She had a fight with me over the phone when i was in labour telling me what a lousy daughter id been etc. When my daughter was born after a very traumatic 50 hour labour with failed forceps and vontouse delivery i ended up with a c section and understandably felt very tired.

My dd had a really sore head and mw adv no holding from visitors for a week or so, this was of course a problem for my mum and she caused such an atmosphere in the hospital that my dh decided to stand up to her.

Que one full year of being ignored and of her alienating every member of my family sis & bil, neices, father & aunt etc, from me until i begged her forgiveness.

I crumbled and did let her in with all her promises, this lasted 3 months as dh wont take her nastyness and bullying anymore.

Since then my mum and dad has done exactly the same thing 3 times and this time i feel much stronger about never letting them all back in my life.

I'm 8.5 months pregnant with my second child and realise that its not my fault its just the luck of the family your born into. But recently my mil (who is quite similar) started bullying my dd and ive decided to just keep my daughter away, my dh agrees.

Right now im struggling with the anger i feel toward them all. Their all getting on with their lives in what seem like relative happiness and im sitting here with the backlash of years of emotional abuse trying my best to stop the cycle going onto another generation.

I worry that my fretting and stress has in some way damaged my unborn child and any overheard dramas that may have been heard by my dd.

God i know i've went on a bit in all your eyes but this is just a tiny percentage of the whole picture.

I do try and most days/weeks go by and i'm truly so happy and positive and then i either get let down by a friend or hear how the "family have all been to turkey for a holiday" and im rock bottom again.

Being cranky taking my feelings out on my dh etc etc, i've done counceling and worked out why all these things happen but it hasnt changed my mind set on how i deal with it.

All i just want to do is let go and say F* them all and get on with being happy.

Sorry for going on but id be truly grateful for anyones time and effort in giving me some insight in how to deal with it, maybe someone has experienced the feelings of abandonment and have now came out the other side,

kind regards and thanks for putting up with me.

If you click on this statley home link Then you will see that there are lots of other people with similar problems with their parents and they will be able to give you lots of advice on how to overcome your anger.

Lemonylemon Wed 12-Aug-09 10:09:12

lizzimum - thanks for that.
paranoid mum - I second the suggestion of clicking on the stately home thread. There's lot of stuff going on there and people in very similar situations.

There are also a couple of books which I recommend you read - "Healing the Child Within" by Charles Whitfield and also "You can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. Louise Hay is typically American in her terminology, but it's a good book all the same.

HTH. You can get through this and come out the other side.....

BintOfBohemia Wed 12-Aug-09 10:31:15

Hello,

Am in a really similar situation, since having children have started coming to terms with the emotional abuse I was (and still am) subjected to by my family. As you say, one of the hardest things to deal with is the fact that they are all getting on with their lives seemingly unscathed whilst I'm struggling, on ADs and having to have counselling to try to make sense of it. I also feel a lot of anger about this. I just hope karma bites them on the arse but it's not much comfort, is it?

Well done to you for recognising it and trying to end the cycle here. That's the most important thing you can do I think. Will watch with interest, and thanks to Lemony for those recommendations, am going to hunt them out myself.

paranoidmom Wed 12-Aug-09 10:34:17

lizziemum.... thankyou so much for doing that for me, im quite taken aback by everyones kindness and replys, i will read through the statley home thread tonight.

lemonymum......thankyou for your book recommendations, this is my mission for the day.

tiredoftherain, thankyou for you kind words of encouragement.

thankyou all.

lizziemun Wed 12-Aug-09 12:03:18

Paranoidmom

That's ok. DS (4mths) decided that 5am was time to get this morning.

Lemonylemon Wed 12-Aug-09 12:17:06

Paranoidmum - one thing I would advise you to do - and that's to be kind to yourself xx

paranoidmom Thu 13-Aug-09 17:55:57

thanks again ladies, i will be, ive been touched by how kind perfect strangers have been and in a way its been far easier to speak to you guys, as i imagine that my friends would run for the hills if i offloaded all this on to them.

There has been such a significant change in my mindset to learn that there are very good human beings out there, and only today decided to pass on that karma to someone else in need of a lift.

bitofbohemien.... goodluck with your journey too, let me know how you go.

kind regards
xx

paranoidmom Thu 13-Aug-09 17:57:49

p.s lizzimom... ouch 5am is a sore one!!!

DutchGirly Thu 13-Aug-09 18:31:41

I can really recommend the book Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life

You sound like a lovely person but you need to break the cycle. You cannot change the parent, however much you try.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself and surround yourself with good friends.

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