Please help - not long married and its a disaster - or am i over-reacting?

[bubbles8987]

hi ladies, im having an awful time at the mo. Got very stressed during week as hubbie is working a lot with new job and i feel like i have to do everything. Anyway, GP signed me off for a few wks. Last nite hubbie was going out for few drinks with his pals. The last time he went out was December, (jus after i miscarried) he got so so drunk, left the pub hours before his mates and disappeared. He rang me at 3am to say he was in a really dodgy part of town. Obv i panicked and jumped in car and flew to collect him only to find that he wasnt there at all. I drove the streets for about an hr looking for him - couldnt find him and drove home to find him lying drunk on the footpath outside our door. He apologised the next day etc and to be honest he hasnt really been out since.
So last nite when he was going out I was obviously concerned about a repeat performance and kept on saying that he needed to act responsibility with bubs on the way. He swore to me he would. So...he left the house at 10pm, rang me at 11.30 to say where he was and then nothing. At 2am i tried his mobile but he had no signal, I rang from 2 to 3,40 without hearing a thing. Then he answered at 3,45 and mumbled that he was in the local village. I drove there and found him half unconscious on the pavement. I was so humiliated. Managed to get him in car and home.
BUT this morning when he woke up, I said to him that i thought it was ridicoulous to drink himself into that sort of state etc. He told me i needed to F* UP, all he did was get drunk with his mates. In my opinion thats not getting drunk thats taking it a step too far. I was so mad. I left the house about 3pm today without saying much more to him and just got home to an empty house. I rang his mobile 3 times and he isnt answering. i text him saying 'you need to ring, where are you' and he wrote back 'watching football, whats wrong'.

Surely its totally out of order for him to behave this way. Is it appropriate for him to get so so drunk and then tell me its harmless. I mean he cant even manage a simple nite out anymore, i cant rely on him to get himself home. I'm driving the streets in the early hrs of the morning looking for him! Im nearly 6 months pregnant!!! And then for him to behave this way today. Im so so angry but if i tell him im cross he says im out of order. Am I???? Please help, we have only been married a year and im starting to worry Ive made a huge mistake. I dont know where else to go for advice.

[Lizzylou]

OK, him getting so drunk that he can't get home is wrong. And he shouldn't swear at you then disappear for the afternoon.

You can still get drunk when you're a parent though, as long as your children are well look after, so life doesn't stop.

You need to sit down and talk about this like adults, not like he is your child. Perhaps if you trusted him a bit more he may act more responsibly?

[bubbles8987]

I know what you are saying. Believe me, i dont want his life to stop. In fact, i would be so happy to think that he could go out for the night with his mates, get drunk (but maybe remain conscious, and not have vomit down his clothes) and then come home. But if i cant rely on him to bring himself home safely, how can I trust him? Surely he needs to prove to me that he can be trusted and the last two times he has went out ive ended up roaming the streets looking for him.
I wont be able to do that come Nov when the baby arrives.

[Lizzylou]

Is he massively stressed at work at the moment?
Has he always been like this when he goes out?
Wait until he comes home and talk to him, tell him that soon you'll have a baby to look after and so will he and he can't act like that anymore.
FWIW when the baby does come he'll be so tired it won't seem very appealing to go off out and get into a state

Why are you stressed and signed off work? Is everything else OK with your relationship? Look after yourself and your baby and try to keep as calm as possible.

Best of luck

[ilovemydogandmrobama]

He is acting like a teenager. Sure, it's fun to get drunk when you're 18 and calling your mom to come and get you, but really out of order when you have a pregnant wife.

If he can't get himself home, then that's a huge issue, and personally would start asking him really difficult questions including what does having a family mean to you? How responsible are you being?

It's one thing having a few drinks at home during an evening and quite another being incapacitated.

[bubbles8987]

Thanks ladies,
LizzyLou - im signed off work as i am suffering from stress, i have quite a difficult job and having just moved house, im feeling the pressure big time. I feel like my hubbie is no help to me around the house, he doesnt contribute to the housework though to be honest, he has been very busy with his own work and gets home quite late in the evenings. But i feel like he takes no time for me. Im always bottom of his list of priorities.

Ilovemydog - yes, he is acting like a teenager, i told him that this morning. He says i talk to him like a parent, he needs to stop acting like a bloody child. He is putting his life at risk and i dont think its appropriate.

My worry is that i will talk to him and he will either tell me im overreacting and to leave him alone as he only goes out once or twice a year or else he will promise me the world and then next time he goes out it will be a repeat performance. Then il be caught in a vicious circle.

[Lizzylou]

You need to speak to him, especially if you are already stressed out.
Really, it's not on to be adding to your worries and be acting so irresponsibly.

[skidoodle]

Getting so drunk that you are incapacitated to the point of lying in the street covered in vomit is not carrying on with life as normal and going out for a few drinks even though you are a parent, it's carrying on life as normal as an alcoholic.

The fact that he doesn't appear to be able to moderate his drinking once he points to a problem with alcohol that can't be explained away by pointing to the long gap between episodes.

This is not how teenagers behave, it's how old soaks behave. Please get some expert advice about how to approach this with him.

[Devendra]

He has been out only twice in a year,, give the guy a break.. stop ringing him on his nights out and just go to bed, let him find his own way home.

[Sibble]

I have to agree with Devendra, unless he is drinking himself into oblivion at home twice in a year is not the end of the world. His life will change when the baby comes, maybe he's aware of that, last time was after your miscarriage, everybody deals with everything differently and if a night out with the boys is the way he does it, well twice in a year is not bad going. I'm of course not advocating drinking yourself stupid so you don't know where you are etc....and I would be worried about him too but IMO the more you call, text, nag and chase him the more he's likely to push back. My dh was the same except he went out alot more. 14 years later he's a fantastic dad, rarely goes out (well compared to before and still alot more than me), drinks less than me.

Pregnancy, hormones, our own panic about impending baby, work issues etc all make us think differently to normal. Sit down like adults, nut it out but be prepared to listen to him. He doesn't sound that bad to me unless as I say he's doing alot more than your original post says.

[mrsboogie]

I agree with skidoodle it's not the going out, it's not the getting drunk, it's the getting so hammered that you don't know where you are or how to get home. That is not the actions of a father-to-be; it is dangerous and puts him at risk of all sorts including totally losing his judgment. If he is that incapable of control there is a problem.

You should have taken a video camera with you to let him see what state he was in.
Imagine he does this after the baby is born? who will go and fetch him then? I had a relationship with someone who did this - he never stopped, just got worse as time went on. He turned into an alcoholic and lost everything.

Your DH needs a short sharp shock. Either he learns to moderate himself on nights out or you consider your future together.

[ruddynorah]

but he didn't ring for you to fetch him did he? you just decided to go and find him.

i'm with devendra.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

me too! He's a grown man, If he wants to drink himself stupid - let him face all the consequences of that! Including waking up in the gutter covered in piss and vomit! Let him do the morning walk home like that. I guarantee that will have more of an effect on him than waking up in his own bed with you having a go at him!! Can you imagine how that would be? Waking up, facing what you've done there in the street, people looking at you? Humiliating and just what he needs to face.

Go to bed. Leave him to it. And when he comes home - have no sympathy!

[LaDiDaDi]

I wouldn't have gone to find him this time and I certainly wouldn't again.

This is his behaviour and ime it won't change until it causes a problem for him whereas at the moment it's just causing stress for you which he doesn't seem to understand. Now in an ideal world having a partner saying to you "Your behaviour is causing me stress, please stop" should at least make someone consider their actions it clearly isn't working like that for your dh and it probably won't.

[Narketta]

My DH used to do this loads when we first got together to the point that I almost ended the relationship, I nagged him so much that I got sick of the sound of my own voice.
I eventually gave in and let him get on with it because I really just couldn't be bothered with it anymore and guess what!! As soon as I gave in and stopped nagging he stopped going out drinking,
So maybe back off a bit and bite your tongue when he pisses you off and he may surprise you and grow up.

[thesouthsbelle]

me to - infact I remember telling my XH when I was 6 months pg I wasn't about to drive 20 mins up to camp to get him so he'd better stop up there the night.

He did.

I wouldn't have dreamed of ringing him on a night out, might have done if I was around the due date and wanted him relativity sober incase but otherwise wouldn't have,

[shootfromthehip]

Make a rule that if he goes out for the night then he stays with friends- we had to do this as my silly DH turns into a teenage boy with a drink in him. We all need to blow off steam and go out so that shouldn't stop IMO, but he does need to stop it interferring with your life. You need to be sleeping and not chasing about like a looney in the mmiddle of the night.

However, the way he is speaking to you is shit. And he is obviously embarrassed and on the defensive but that doesn't excuse him being a twit. You will obviously need to try and get things sorted out before this LO arrives and I think you need to be clear about what stress is from the other areas in your life and what he is causing. He needs to help you cope with the stressors you can't fix and not cause you any more stress than you already have.

My advise regarding this situation is to leave it. It's done. When he wants to go out again then talk about it then.

Sorry you are having a hard time and good luck the new arrival.

[skidoodle]

He couldn't ring to be picked up because he was passed out in the street!

If that is on the continuum of "blowing off a little steam" then we really do have major issues with alcoholism in the uk.

If this happens to you once in your life you are ashamed and tske a good look at your boozing. Twice in one year means you have a problem with stopping drinking once you start. That can be a very serious problem in itself, it doesn't have to be every day.

I've never heard of just stopping the nagging curing a drink problem, but indulging men in crap behaviour is a bit if a cure-all on mumsnet.

I think, op, that you need to consider what you will do to protect yourself and your child if this behaviour escalates.

[Devendra]

Protect herself from what exactly skidoodle?

[Morloth]

DH gives me a rough idea when he will be home and calls me to let me know if he will be much later than that.

Your DH is an adult stop rescuing him from the consequences of his behaviour.

[bubbles8987]

Just wanted to clarify some things. I rang him once, at 2.30 to see if he needed a lift as we live in a very isolated area and taxis are not easy to come by. As the phone was out of signal I got worried and rang every 20 mins or so to try and get thru. Eventually he did answer and he told me to come and get him. At that time of the night he would never have got a taxi home.
I completely understand and respect all your opinions however I am not the sort of person who could fall asleep not knowing if my husband was dead/alive/in a ditch etc. I need to know he is safe. But yes, this may be to my own detriment.
I do not object to him going out with his mates, I have no problem with him getting drunk, its drinking himself into unconsciousness and vomiting on himself that i object to.
But thank you all for your advice, i hope to discuss everything with him tomorrow and hopefully we can come to an amicable arrangement.

[sunshiney]

I couldn't agree more with those who say don't ring him on nights out, and don't go and bring him home. Let him face the consequences all on his own, it's the only way.
The next day be sadly disappointed but not lecturing, and no sympathy for the hangover!

[ruddynorah]

gosh. just leave him to it. do you panic every time he drives in a car that he'll die or hurt himself in a crash? or any of the other things that people do that put them 'at risk'?

i would be utterly mortified if dh came out looking for me when i was out. thankfully he doesn't as he has to stay in with dd

[Heated]

I doubt very much we'd be saying the same if it was Bubbles getting so shitfaced she ended up in the gutter unconscious - can't imagine her dh being too impressed either - why should it be any different just because he's a man? He leaves himself open to being attacked or robbed. In the OP's place I would be seriously hacked off too.

[sunshiney]

The wording of your post is telling. You rang him repeatedly to then get 'told' to fetch him.

Do you want him to phone you and ask you nicely if you would come and get him? Then him unable to get home any other way is a great incentive.

People (including husbands) treat you the way you allow them to.

[mrsruffallo]

I'm in the leave him to it camp
Tell him that you are turning off your phone as you need a good sleep and he'll have to make his own way home-he did last time despite you looking for him.
You are mothering him