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how do you know when a marriage has run its course?

(13 Posts)
cheesesarnie Sun 09-Aug-09 16:02:01

how do you know when thats it.nothing left?

baskingseals Sun 09-Aug-09 22:53:30

Do you feel you can be yourself with him?
Do you respect him?
Do you make each other laugh?
Do you enjoy spending time with each other?
Do you like the way he is with the children?

Maybe ask yourself a few questions like this. BUT, I would say that if you feel like nothing's left, then perhapes you need to have a serious talk (gulp). Really do feel for you, nothing lonelier than being in a tricky relationship, but while life is short, it's also long enough for most of us to get there in the end. Remember that it IS truly okay to want what you want, your needs and feelings are ALLOWED, if you dismiss them you are dismissing yourself - not good.
God, don't feel I've been v useful - hope you manage to find an answer.

K999 Sun 09-Aug-09 22:55:42

You just know. Thats how I felt anyway. But tbh I had felt that way for a long time....it was just having the guts to admit it to myself and make the decision to leave...that was the really hard bit. smile

Niftyblue Sun 09-Aug-09 23:00:32

When you know you have tried everything you can think of to try and fix it and there is nothing left you can do

when you prefer to alone with the dcs or you feel a heavy load come down on your shoulders when he walks in the door

BedofRosesItAintII Sun 09-Aug-09 23:36:50

Wow, Baskingseals I love what you said here, especially "your needs and feelings are ALLOWED, if you dismiss them you are dismissing yourself"

picmaestress Sun 09-Aug-09 23:37:35

Sounds obvious, but have a really good think about how it would feel to be on your own.
When the prospect of being on your own seems like a better option, despite the stress and turmoil of sorting it out, that's when.
But no-one's going to tell you when it's over, you have to rummage around in your head and your heart and really think about whether you love them any more.
When I left, I was so exhausted by the constant fear, suspense, misery and confusion that I couldn't think straight. But the first thing I felt when I walked out of that door was relief. Fear and pain, yes, but overwhelming relief. If you think that's how you'd feel, I guess you know.
Good luck

aseriouslyblondemoment Mon 10-Aug-09 00:08:13

agree with k999
and it took me ages,wish i'd managed to divorce him before
but it's a huge decision and only you can make it
it's not always greener on the other side either but in my case is better than the life i had
htw

cheesesarnie Tue 11-Aug-09 16:55:41

Do you feel you can be yourself with him?
Do you respect him?
Do you make each other laugh?
Do you enjoy spending time with each other?
Do you like the way he is with the children?

no to all of the above sad

i wouldnt cope on my own.i couldnt stay in the house(rented but im a sahm),couldnt afford bills,couldnt cope with telling dc that mummys made a decision that will send there adored dad off.sad

OrmIrian Tue 11-Aug-09 16:59:02

I like that list seals. But might I just add the proviso of 'some of the time'. No-one is perfect all the time. I know that I couldn't tick all of those boxes all the time - but I can more often than not. It's when none of the above are ever true that you know there is truly nothing left.

baskingseals Wed 12-Aug-09 21:21:34

Yes you're right Ormirion - I really understand that no-one is perfect, and what that actually means.

Cheesesarnie, sometimes the thought of doing something is much much worse than actually doing it. Change even if positive is always frightening. Fear of fear is horrible, better to feel the fear and do it anyway (is that a crappy ad?). I've been a single mum and a married one, good and bad with both - like Ormirion says nothing is perfect. It's your life, to repeat myself it's okay to want what you want, it really is. There's loads more I want to say but can't seem to get the words out. Hope you're feeling okay.

cheesesarnie Sat 15-Aug-09 15:15:35

baskingsealssmile thankyou

OrmIrian the answer is still mostly no.

picmaestress Sat 15-Aug-09 15:43:24

Hi Cheesesarnie, don't know if this will help, but I think you've got a couple of options...

The first is the one my sister advocates, which is when you don't know what to do, do nothing and wait. Something will happen out of your control that will force you to make a decision.

The second is to force some changes now because you're so miserable and unhappy that you can't go on.
If you're not that unhappy yet that the alternative doesn't seem possible or attractive, then I don't see you have any choice but to wait?

It's like jumping off a cliff because whatever is behind you is so awful that the alternative/the unknown has GOT to be better...
It's not selfish, your kids deserve a happy mum. You have to have hope, it's the most important emotion in all of this.

You can be frightened and brave at the same time. If I and countless other women can do it, you can.
xx

cheesesarnie Sun 16-Aug-09 15:07:55

thankyou-thats lovely advice.

you said if you and countless others can do it so can i.the thing is i think you must be bloody amazing!dh isnt much help around the house and i pay most of the bills except the rent but no matter i still dont know how id cope.

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