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Problems with ex not sure if i'm wrong need some perspective please.

(14 Posts)
IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 14:50:52

This could get long so apologies in advance.

Me and dc's dad seperated ages ago. I have married someone else and he lives with a new partner.
He moved in with this woman a month after they met, a fortnight after they met me and the dc's both met her and her dd. She seems nice enough but I have got some feelings about things as time has gone on.

Now since Ex moved in with her around May time, he hasn't seen his own dc's. He says he cannot afford it as he isn't working at the moment. Now before he moved in with her he lived twice the distance away (I moved to another town) but still managed to come and see them. He does phone them every evening though and thinks that is his job done. Not working he isn't paying anything towards the children I am for the time being a SAHM and my dh supports us all. It is tight but I have my reasons for needing to be at home for the next few months at least and he is happy with this alhtough it does get frustrating at times.

So the story goes he hasn't seen them for 3 months but is making an appearance with his partner and her dd next weekend and staying overnight in our town in a hotel/appartment place and keeping the dc's overnight. Fine by me they will love it.
My problem is that he wants to take them for a week away in our October hols (get 2 weeks in scotland then) now they are only 5 and 3 and a week is a long time I have taken them away for that time and they start asking to go home after a few days so it is not about not wanting him to take them away.

I had initially agreed to him taking them away but had not commited to a week. He had been going to take them somewhere that would be easy to get to for me if need be. THe reason for this being that he has taken dc's to his new house the once and dd (5) was really upset and didn't like it. She was upset being with strangers in a strange place and it was just a bit much for her. He hasn't seen her since then and she says she doesn't want to go back. So conversation today and him and his dp have decided to go a bit further afield and go to a place in Yorkshire for that holiday. About twice the length of time to get there with 3 dc's and a dd who has not seen his partner and her dd (who is now calling ex dad also)in 6 weeks time.

I have said no not yet. I have said lets see how it goes next weekend and then if he can/will commit to a fortnight later to come and collect the dc's and take them to his new house again and see how it goes before he books a holiday a good 6 hours drive from home in less time than it has been since he last seen them.

From my perspective it would make my life a whole lot easier if dd would happily go with her dad, I would get a bit of a break every few weeks and everyone would be happy. He was never a hands on dad when we were together and has admitted himself he cannot cope totally alone with the dc's for any length of time and has never ever done so. DD is happy to see his partner and dd but right now on her terms where she is familiar, I know that cannot go on forever and he expects me to fix it for him but to me he should have thought of the effect on his children before he moved in a month after he met someone.

So am I losing perspective? I'm sure he thinks by saying no I am just trying to cause problems but I'm not saying a definitive no i'm just saying walk before you can run please and stay a bit closer to home to ease dd in. The place he had first been planning was very close to his father and the dc's would have seen him and I know dd would have got comfort in that someone else familiar somewhere unfamiliar.

What should I do?

Doha Sun 09-Aug-09 15:20:31

He has to take them somewhere you can reach easily if needed. Yorkshire is too far at this stage.

If he had had frequent face to face contact with his DC's and they were quite comfortable with his new family this would be totally different.

Even the fact of the OW's daughter calling him dad may be very confusing and upsetting.

Leave off agreeing to anything just now until next weekend has passed and then you will all see wheither this week long holiday is a good idea or not.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 16:05:18

Thank you you have basically said what I have been thinking but when you're in the situation you sometimes lose perspective and wonder if you are being a total cow.

When the holiday was first discussed he was at the time seeing them and I had stupidly assumed he would be continuing to do so which is why I agreed but the sitaution has changed hugely since then but I think he is just seeing me as being difficult.

Devendra Sun 09-Aug-09 19:34:52

You are being completely reasonable in my opinion.. 3 months is a very long time for children of that age.. he needs to increase the contact before taking them away..

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 21:17:32

He says he is going to increase before the holiday to every fortnight but that would still mean only 3 visits before then and even then still not having taken her out of town overnight even to his new house to see how dd is with that. I just don't think he should be booking this holiday before things are settled he should be doing it after things are settled rather than booking and hoping it works out.

The first and only time he took her I'll never say she didn't have a good time she did but I did get a good half dozen calls from her because she was upset and missing me.
Now in dd speak that usually means i'm not coping with this not sure why but if and when you figure it out it's usually fixable. But not having been there I have no idea what it was that was setting her off.

I've decided though that even if things go well this weekend she is still not really away from home she is staying in her home town and actually in apartments she has stayed in a lot with me while we were house hunting down here, that Yorkshire is a definite no. Too far away just now he can (if things go ok) take her to the original destination.

Doha Sun 09-Aug-09 21:36:35

How far away is the original destination anad would Ex be prepared to drive her home to you if she was totally miserable?

I may be talking completly out of turn and forgive me if l am but how can they go on holiday and claim not to be able to give you any money for your DC's.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 22:06:17

The other destination is still over a hundred miles away but far easier reached and can be there in less than half the time it would take for either of us to get to or from Yorkshire.
Yes he would take dd home if she was utterly miserable he is a bit of a prat which is one of the reasons he would. It would be far easier than dealing with her properly hmm he does love the dc's he is just a man known for getting his priorities totally wrong this being a huge catalyst to the split in the end.

No not talking out of turn I should have said totally my fault.
He has just sold the house we used to live in (was his before we met) and will have the cash this week so this will be pissed up against the wall funding the holiday and his weekend visit this coming weekend. It won't last long money never does with him.
He is giving me some cash out if it not a huge amount in comparison but i've accepted the offer he has made and odly enough he is giving me extra on top of that to buy a new camera because ds broke mine.

This is his way you see, thinks money and material possesions make up for him not being here. When he was working and we were together I was very well off and twice as miserable and he just cannot see how I am happier now but scrimping by with dh.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 22:09:42

Just working out how long it takes me to drive to original destination it would be a 2 and half hour drive compared to the 6-7 odd hours to Yorkshire.

Doha Sun 09-Aug-09 22:16:04

Know both your home city and West Yorkshire quite well and it is a bugger of a jourmey especially trying to keep young kids occupied.

Glad about the money hope you are getting your fair share and perhaps now something on a regular basis hmm

You are so right money is not everything.....

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Sun 09-Aug-09 22:26:59

hmm indeed, we will seeplenty of him until the cash runs out at least.
Which will be very quickly if I know him.

One of the things that worries me most about the journey is that he doesn't drive ( me and his currect p do though) so amusing 3 children of 3,5 and 6 will be his job and he cannot manage it in a house full of toys with a huge garden for a couple of hours without everything falling apart.

Another thing is though he has always worked away so the children are used to not seeing him for weeks at a time just never months and that is ok right now as even dd is still a bit young to understand fully the passage of time but what happens when she does understand? Even at my angriest with him (and since we split he has done some horrible things and even been left with a criminal record because of one of them)I have done everything to make sure that nobody can turn around and say nope you aint seeing them but he never bloody does anyway.

I feel so sad for them I know it's just him and strangely enough I know it is no reflection on his love for them he is just a selfish thoughtless pig.

Lemonylemon Mon 10-Aug-09 11:16:48

Sticking my neck out here and will probably get flamed for it, but here goes....

I would stick to your guns and say no to the holiday. Your ex needs to establish frequent sustained contact with your DCs so that they both feel comfortable being with him and his new P and DD.

If you're really worried about this, I'd get some legal advice - then he can't accuse you of being a stubborn mare.

Your last sentence is a bit of a contradiction - if he's a selfish thoughtless pig - he can't really love his DCs because in my opinion, he'd be making huge amounts of effort to see them regularly.

At the end of the day, it's about your DCs well-being - not about what your ex thinks.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Mon 10-Aug-09 11:48:43

Thank you for that it's nice to know i'm not being a stubborn mare.

Funnily enough when I read your post I was on the phone to him. I have put my foot down over the holiday, I have told him I am not saying no to taking them somewhere full stop but it must be close enough to home for him to be able to keep the promise to dd that he can take her home if she is really upset.

I have said that we can re-look at the situation again maybe for easter if, as you said, he establishes frequent sustained contact between now and then.

He said he was disappointed but did understand my reasoning behind it. It just really annoys me that it is me who ends up being the seemingly bad bitch saying no but really if he had half a brain he would have given this some sensible thought and not made the suggestion in the first place.

He does love them he just doesn't have any idea how to face up to his responsibilities like a grown up really.

One silly example is when the money comes in he was asking what to buy the children one thing for outside bikes or such. DS is waiting for an op and doesn't have the strength to pedal so I said get him a cosy coupe type car he loves them. I expressly said don't do your usual and go off on one and get something else that is what to get, that night he called saying what about a battery operated Audi TT or BMW at several hundred pounds hmm told him if he had that much money to burn take the kids shopping for much needed clothes and shoes.

There just seems to be something new every week with him that I end up looking like a total cow over because I am the only one taking the children into account. He just seems to always get his priorities entirely wrong. One instance was when he seemed under the impression that HIS dc's accepted that he was now with this woman and her dd NOT that THEY had to accept he came with children as his priority. In all honesty I don't think this woman want the siruption of having to make the effort to see them either or else he at the very least would have been her at some point since May.

MummyDragon Mon 10-Aug-09 12:34:21

Just wanted to stick my two penn'orth in and agree with everyone that you are obviously putting your children's wellbeing first, and you are not being a stubborn mare.

You are not a total cow either!

He needs to get to know his children better, in an environment near your home so you can go and pick them up if they get upset, before he takes them away for even a couple of days. Stick to your guns. Keep on offering him opportunities to see them near your home, or in his.

You are doing the right thing.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern Mon 10-Aug-09 14:22:43

Thank you having some support means a lot smile
He needs to get to know them full stop not just better. He always wokred away so always had a ready excuse for not having a clue and not looking after them alone.

His new house is about an hour away from ours so I have said that this weekend as they are styaing in our town he is having them overnight as agreed and have suggested if that goes well then the next time (alledgedly a fortnight later) he can possibly take them to his to see how it goes so he will do it for one night to try.

The reason I lose perspective I think is because he was quite mentally controlling when we were together never nasty but managed to chip away at me so part of me still ends up doubting myself when him and I disagree over something.

Thank you for your answers it has helped a lot and gave me a lot of cinfidence to say a firm no.

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