Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I am so confused about cheating hubby have no idea how to handle it

(26 Posts)
mummyemily Sun 09-Aug-09 08:15:39

not sure if this is ok to post this but i am at my wits end i have no ideas what to do for the best,
In brief my hubby told me he didnt want to be with me anymore jan 2008 things started to go wrong after 1st son was born, in January he told me is was having a relationship with BF, and he told me he wanted her, he wouldnt move out of the family home and i wasnt in the finanical situation to move and i still loved him although really angry and hurt over the next year we made attempts at putting it right but it always feel apart within a week because he lied and continued to see or speak to her.
I have lost my friends through his lies the best was I invited BF to sleep with us thats how they got together!
In January I asked him to move out before I had a break down, he did move in with her put 3 months later moved himself back in, he continued his relationship with her as always right under my nose, I said in June that enough was enough (certainly not in love with him now)and that i wanted to sell the house so i could start again and move closer to my parents so i could get a life
(he has never bathed, put to bed babysat our son I have not been out of the house on my own at all in 21months) The house in on the market, he has announced this week that he wants to sell the house and for us to try again, same area same people. He now says he can drop his partner and wants to be a family again, i am soo tired of all of this and dont have much fight left in me, do you think or have you been in a simualar situation is it possible that he can change or is it that reality has hit home as he is going to loose me and our son, he has told me to think about it but has made it clear that he will not give her up untill i give him a answer so i am trying to sort things out in my head and one minute he is saying he loves me and wants to make a go then goes off to see her!
any advise please!!

Overmydeadbody Sun 09-Aug-09 08:24:00

Leave him.

Seriously. What is the point?

He sounds like he just wants an easy life. He wants a wife at home and a mistress to shag.

Hassled Sun 09-Aug-09 08:30:47

You don't treat someone you love the way he's treated you. Move on, as quickly as you can. He wants to have his cake and eat it - just get the hell out of there. You can do a lot better.

ridingjoker Sun 09-Aug-09 08:36:00

leave him

"has made it clear that he will not give her up untill i give him a answer "

shitty arsehole.

he should have stopped shagging her in order to prove he's serious about making a go of it, not as afterthought of you getting back together

this guy just wants his cake an eat it.

why do you even want to try again with this man

who has lied and lied and lied.

he wants to be a family? yet he hasn't lifted a finger for your dd in her 21 months.

his problem is he has realised if you split up he will have to look after dd during access.

so he wants to keep you sweet and back onside and in house to look after dd while he still gets to see her.

bet you.... if you do get back together and he does manage to keep away from mistress.... once dd is older he will leave you or take another mistress.

thesouthsbelle Sun 09-Aug-09 08:36:32

agreed, this isn't a man, isn't a father, he caused you to have a break down, he's destroyed you in more ways than one. Leave him.

move out, get what you're entitled to and move back with your family - do they know what is going on with all of this?

lilacclaire Sun 09-Aug-09 08:39:52

Run as fast as you can before you have absolutely no self worth left at all.

Get the support of your family and friends, do they know what is going on? If not tell them today.

He has treated you disgustingly, please do not even consider staying with this c* of a human being.

twoclimbingboys Sun 09-Aug-09 08:40:59

Move out, I think you will be much happier in the long run.

His behaviour is unbelievable. The worst thing about it for me is that he has done none of the childcare. He doesn't sound like he would be a loss at all.

MrsTittleMouse Sun 09-Aug-09 08:46:18

If he really wanted to make a go of it he should be grovelling at your feet and making sure that he could never even bump into your exBF accidentally ever again.

I think that the best thing for you to do is to get a very good divorce lawyer ASAP, make sure that he can't do a runner with your shared cash and work out a new life for you and your DS.

Dior Sun 09-Aug-09 08:48:54

Yes, he should be begging you to take him back, not waiting to get rid of her when you say yes. What an arse. Has he any good points?

AbricotsSecs Sun 09-Aug-09 08:52:05

Message withdrawn

monkeypinkmonkey Sun 09-Aug-09 08:54:28

Leave. Do you really need to wait for house to sell before you go? Could you spend time with parents? Rent? How disrepectful he is being to you.

mummyemily Sun 09-Aug-09 12:53:45

thank you all so much for your replies, thing is i think i know what i have to do its just i have had no one to agree with me if this makes sense? he is being so nice to me today it is making my skin crawl knowing that he spent yesterday and most of last night with her he is alover me like a rash today, i know i must just go but thank you for your replies

mummyemily Sun 09-Aug-09 13:22:30

me again, i emailed him a number of questions and he claims he never loved her, that he can cut all contact with her just like that, that the only reason he is still seeing her is because he is an idiot, and that he wants me!
angry you know what thank you for posting i am going to tell him where to go!

alexpolismum Sun 09-Aug-09 13:26:34

He claims he never loved her?

Well, it seems to me that he doesn't love you either, or he wouldn't be treating you like that. You will be well rid of him.

Good luck in your new life of freedom - your son does not need that kind of role model in front of him and you will be much happier without all of this.

RedDeadFail Sun 09-Aug-09 13:30:14

Keep reminding yourself that you have one life. This is it. You can spend it trapped by lies and inequality and significant unhappiness. Or you can take control, set a good example for your child, show him how strong his mummy is, hold your head up high and go and find a life you deserve.

catsmother Sun 09-Aug-09 14:06:14

He is hedging his bets well and truly here. He won't give up his mistress until you agree to try again - what the f* !!! I bet you, if you were to agree to that, he'd make some sort of pathetic effort for a week or two and then he'd be straight back in her bed, and you'd be right back at the start of this viscious circle.

I suspect that as a few months have passed since you put the house on the market, he's finally realising that you're serious about leaving him and he's suddenly panicking about the idea of having to fend for himself - wash his own grundies, that sort of thing. I also wouldn't be at all surprised if his mistress is also getting fed up with his cruel comings and goings, and it's entirely possible she may also have given him some sort of ultimatum about making his mind up - maybe she's told him that when the house is sold, he's not moving back with her this time - who knows ? Hence he's running about like a dog chasing his tail trying to get you back on side, covering his back so he's not metaphorically (or literally) cast out into the gutter ..... but I bet that if I'm right about the OW also getting sick of him, he's doing his damnest to talk her round as we speak ..... like I said before, hedging his bets whatever happens.

The truth of it is that he has neither love nor respect for either of you and you deserve far better. He has repeatedly proven his word means nothing so why should it be any different now ? Keeping hold of his bit on the side proves that apart from anything ..... it totally negates any pleas of wanting you and shows him up as the totally pathetic self centred selfish twat he really is.

For goodness sake, don't be persuaded by his ridiculous rubbish. I hope you are strong enough to tell him where to go - and stick to that - no matter how much he turns on the tears or invents a victim personna for himself when you reject him (as men like this often do). Good luck with your new life !

HappyWoman Sun 09-Aug-09 17:22:39

oh please leave him - you will be ok in time and anything will be better than this.

Tell him you are not interested anymore and he obvoiusly isnt as he is still being so dis-repectful to you.

He will not like it and will want to still be in control of you both but please be strong and do what you know is right.

You can then get a new life for yourself and start to go out again.

I am sure it will be hard but it will be better than waiting for him to choose.

Roomz4Rascalz Sun 09-Aug-09 22:23:12

Didn't understand the bit about you inviting her to sleep with you!!! Whats all that about?hmm

HolyGuacamole Sun 09-Aug-09 22:32:00

Get rid. He is a waste of space. By taking him back all the time, all you are doing is ruining your own self esteem and wasting time. You only have one life, don't waste it on this tosser.

And by the way, don't be a pushover to his one liners - it's all bullshit, you are worth more than this. The quicker you walk, the quicker you can get on with your life. There is so much more out there, you just need to get a taste of it.

MrsTittleMouse Sun 09-Aug-09 22:36:35

Roomz4 - the OP's DH has spread a rumour around that she wanted a threesome with her DH and the other woman. As a bullshit way of making everyone think that it was her fault in some way.

mummyemily sorry to be all practical and boring and repeat myself, but if it was me I would make sure that I have a good solicitor and quickly. Men who have done half of what your DH has done are total arses, and total arses don't play nice in divorce proceedings.

Heated Sun 09-Aug-09 22:37:06

Get divorced, forward his emails to your ex-bf and move on.

NotPlayingAnyMore Sun 09-Aug-09 22:52:55

Move out if you have to. Either way, divorce him. You deserve better.

mummyemily Tue 11-Aug-09 10:14:02

Roomz4Rascalz sorry didnt explain the 3some very well so here goes!
was speaking to one of the few people that still speak to me about what is happening and she told me in not so many workd that i had invited this to happen thats what happens when i invite another women into our bed! i was stunned and asked her what she meant and she looked at me and said well the three of you have been at it for months! he has told i dont know how many people that we were all sharing a bed boefore he "left me" so i think everyone things that i got my just deserves!hmm

jeminthepantry Tue 11-Aug-09 10:17:43

He is slowly killing you- please get out- it isn't a relationship- it is eroding your self-esteem, confidence...everything. He is taking the piss and I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are letting him, although I understand why.

Dump him pet, he sounds a complete twat.

Good luck

jeminthepantry Tue 11-Aug-09 10:18:54

And DEFINATELY get legal advice.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now