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breaking the cycle of being drawn to "bad uns"

(57 Posts)
ridingjoker Fri 07-Aug-09 19:06:07

i'm trying to break the pattern of being drawn to assholes. my usual type is the arrogant confident, vain very attractive, arseholes men.

have been on several dates and keep making ridiculous excuses

too skinny
too quiet
dont like the way they walk
dont like the way they chew

yet i will have found myself considering completely unsuitable men and overlooking serious faults such as commitment phobias, ones with ex's who still live with them... and ones who dont give 2 flying ducks about anyone but themselves.

so... anyone who's managed to successfully change their ways on this?

was it easy? did you just know... or did you initially find yourself making random excuses as to why the --non-bastard-- nice guy was no good..... only to be shaken by good friends and told to get a grip and realise he was a good guy.

Janos Fri 07-Aug-09 19:27:03

No good advice but I shall be watching this thread with interest (and maybe some tips).

maggievirgo Fri 07-Aug-09 19:37:43

well, i'm kind of laughing at the idea of me offering anybody advice, because I've been single for over two years and my last relationship was with a controlling abusive man and I escaped literally, rather than breaking it off iykwim.

But..... I feel my focus is on myself now, investing in myself and in my future. And for the first time it's not words, I really mean it. A man would just pull me in another direction and I would feel it as an inconvenience...

I think I feel quite independent and content now though. Some people consider it self-indulgent, but there is nothing the doctor would order more after the end of a bad relationship than a little bit of navel-gazing. So you're on the right track to avoiding bad 'uns I think!

My x wsa a bad 'un, and NO mistake. But after I had left and got back on an even keel again, gained back a little emotional strength and sorted out practical issues, I was able to ask myself some uncomfortable questions, eg, why I was attracted to him, why did I stay with him even after I noticed controlling traits... Why did I not leave sooner? Was my self-esteem low? (I was outwardly sociable and confident).

I realised that I was more concerned with appearing happy to the outside world than actually BEING happy. That personally is WHY I ended up in a totally shit relationship. But obviously it would be different for everybody.

hope that helps a little...?

GL figuring it out.

aRLcat Fri 07-Aug-09 19:37:52

grin I married a 'good' bloke (good relatively speaking) absolutely determined to avoid bad boys... for the following 6 years he bored the will to live out of me!

I eventually struggled through the sheer apathy that engulfed my every waking moment and found the energy to leave, just.

Never again!

There's always a risk with naughtier types but it's one I'm more than happy to take, in the knowledge that I'll probably never find 'forever' but I'll always have fun smile

ridingjoker Fri 07-Aug-09 19:44:21

aaaahhh.... so us types who are attracted to arseholes are doomed

either we will be bored to tears.

or treated like shit.

oh bugger.

is it any wonder i'm choosing being single over either of the options atm.

might just stay single (have a little fun in the middle)

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Fri 07-Aug-09 21:09:24

Not really got any experience of this but I did notice you said the men you turned down were all on "dates"... I can't help thinking dates are a bit of an artificial/forced set-up as then you are kind of forcing yourself to make a judgement on people you really haven't known long yet, and have only seen in that one situation. So you perhaps haven't had a chance to see their good points yet.

Maybe one option would be to stop "dating" and just concentrate on enjoying yourself and making some more (male and female) friends? A "friend" almost by definition is someone who is good to you and treats you well (i.e. not a bastard!); and also, we don't expect our friends to be perfect and aren't so fussy about their looks or the odd bad habit. And then maybe sometime, one day (if you can stay relaxed and not try to force it!), one of the friends might grow into something more?

skihorse Fri 07-Aug-09 21:32:58

Yes, I "cured" myself of this - by means of therapy and tackling my low self-esteem/childhood issues.

Try reading the "Women who love too much" stuff - it's basically saying that we chase the bad boys as a way of trying to fix the wrongs which were committed against us in our childhoods - probably by our father. E.g., daddy always home late, we find a man who doesn't give himself to us. Better the devil you know et al.

I don't think the "oh but nice men are boring" giggling a very helpful strategy at all. You can choose to date arseholes who will ultimately hurt you or you can grow up and get a grip.

aRLcat Fri 07-Aug-09 22:26:13

Skihorse, I don't find it rational to apply your reactions to your childhood traumas to any other person in any other given situation. You make clear that this is where your response and vitriol is based.

I could quite easily form a relationship with someone who is, for example, many, many years my junior, therefore tipping the weight of seniority and cocooning myself in the inherent perception of domination, control and authority.

I have briefly considered striking up relationships with men many years my junior, when the opportunities have arisen but it would not sit with me very well to do so, despite the undeniable draw of the relative safety of such due to the natural inbalance in my favour ~ which is exactly why it would feel wrong. To me.

Yet I wouldn't accuse anyone who did strike up a relationship with someone, many, many years their junior of doing so with the same intent, nor would I suggest that they 'grow up', 'get a grip' or that they need 'curing'.

Each to their own smile

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 08:05:14

mynameis - i'm not one for having male friends. nothing against it. just prefer my friends to be female.

it's not just on "dates", if i find myself in any situation where a "nice" guy has shown interest i will send him packing instantly in the past. yet find myself enjoying the "challenge" of getting the attention of the arsehole who is within a 5 mins radius.shock

skihorse - i dont have issues with my father. had positive male influence growing up. yes, perhaps some people are drawn to the wrong type of man because of their childhood. but not everone

"grow up, get a grip, and curing"...hmm

i have started this thread to find out if anyone actually managed to turn around their habit of bad guys and stick with a good guy.

i'm not some eternally lonely and desperate person. infact.... i really enjoy being single with just me and dc.

but.. its also nice to enjoy some male company and feel a woman and not just "mum"...... so please..... no more insistance i just stay single . bla bla. i will continue dating, its fun, i like meeting new people, hearing their stories, going to new restaurants and theatre with someone different for a different point of view.

i wont be rushing into another wrong relationship is my point. i will no longer be making excuses for crappy behaviour.

i will continue to be single and concentrate on my children when they are with me.... but if i were to meet someone nice... who wasn't boring......just wondered if it worked out for anyone.... or there is more cases simply like arlcat of getting bored several year down the line?

thesouthsbelle Sat 08-Aug-09 08:09:03

i'll be watching as well as I seem to always go for abusive, controlling and manipulative men.

Have an apt for CBT with the dr thou on the 20th, only way forward I can see really.

Unlikelyamazonian Sat 08-Aug-09 09:48:48

Women's Aid run a wonderful course called Pattern Changing which helps deal with this. Sadly it is not available everywhere. It should be. Look up your local WA and ask if they know the nearest course? It is essentially about building self-esteem and recognising that you are worth more than the arseholes you attract/go for. Sounds simple but there's a lot more to it than that.

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 09:59:31

UA - i'll look into that.

so.... take it no one has ever gone from bad uns to good uns successfully?

Unlikelyamazonian Sat 08-Aug-09 10:33:01

I have been in a serious of bad uns and since doing Pattern Changing am trying to readjust my thinking to break the cycle so that the next one (if there is one) is a good man. I know the warning signs now but I must see them properly and listen to my instincts! Happy single with ds for now...relieved not to have a bad un in my life. smile I am sure the pattern can be broken - you are half way there really as you are aware that you are following the same pattern. Do look up the course. You have to have been in an abusive relationship but can self-refer yourself onto it. Abuse can be anything from physical, emotional, financial, verbal dont have to have been hit with a frying pan! I was emotionally and mentally abused, financially too in the end. GL

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 10:50:28

gambling addiction. all except serious physical abuse. think i'd qualify wink

i know the signs... just seem to choose to ignore them previouslyhmm, not anymore i think.

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 10:58:30

ua - dont seem to be able to find that course on in scotland

StirlingTheTired Sat 08-Aug-09 14:58:21

When younger, I always went for bad ones. There is an excitement in the danger. Their confidence is so attractive.

But do you know, I married a quiet, nice guy, who I did love completely. I now know he has had a 2 yr affair with a woman in another country, and even moved her into his company flat.

I think it is the luck of the draw - Anyone can let you down - it isn't always the same type.

You may find a confident, attractive guy who will look after you - you never know smile

lou33 Sat 08-Aug-09 15:22:56

i'm just booking my spot on the thread

i am right off dating atm, it feels like a pointless waste of time and effort

ikwym rj

but lol @ grow up and get a grip

they should be so lucky

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 17:18:24

interesting stirling - actually confidence is a big thing for me... but looks are not so much. as long as a fella is confident in his own skin i find that very attractive.

a fella could be drop dead gorgeous... but if he's lacking confidence i just dont feel any attraction at all.

lou - yeah... i feel after you keep finding yourself drawn to the wasters men... that you end up put off it completely.

i also find myself giving decent blokes a really rough ride. my way or high way.. and paint an image i'm a bit of a bitch.... yet for the arseholes i seem happy to let them walk all over me and treat me appalingly.

until now grin

have realised the error in my ways.

shall be nice to the decent ones.
horrible to the arseholes.

see where that gets me.

probably still single.

but hopefully some sex in the experiment wont go amis grin blush

lou33 Sat 08-Aug-09 19:08:18

i have never been deliberately horrible to anyone , so being nice doesnt work either

ninah Sat 08-Aug-09 19:10:48

rj grin
also booking slot in the hope someone comes along with an answer
I suppose it depends what you want. Sometimes I think I want a nice chap who'll stick around but I do experience that reality as quite dull after a while. I am prone to being ruthless in those circs too.
I do know a woman who did change, however. She was lone p after she left her messed up ex. She went on an assertiveness course. She grew up and got a grip. In short, she cured herself. She is now married to a solicitor who plays golf. Inspired? grin nor me

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 19:28:53

well.... here's the thing.

i'm dont see myself as boring.

yet i dont cheat,lie,swindle,abuse or act violently towards a partner.

surely there are men who hold true these values who lead interesting and varied lives that aren't boring.

yet.... aparently no one on MN has found one of these fellas after realising they have a habit of being drawn to "bad uns"

lou33 Sat 08-Aug-09 19:37:01

same as me rj, maybe men are attracted to the bad girls too?

thesouthsbelle Sat 08-Aug-09 20:38:10

rj, your latest post could have been written by me! so how do we get over this then girls?

ridingjoker Sat 08-Aug-09 20:41:07

as UA suggested... if there's one of those courses in your area it cant be doing any harm to go along

shoptilidrop Sat 08-Aug-09 20:48:10

another one here, that would like to break the cycle... or then again, maybe i dont.
Its terrible, i just cant help myself. and like most of you its the confidence, the attitude. I dont go on looks, or how he is, but the attitude has me magnetically drawn to them and i just cant help myself.

Ive been asked out by several nice men, perfectly nice, caring, funny men. AND ive turned them down as i just dont fancy them at all, and could never see myself fancying them.
But i met this guy, and we had a fantastic weekend, and then he was gone, and i know its my fault. I just dont see how i can change what i like. Ive always liked bad boys

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