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How much work should I be putting in to our relationship?

(2 Posts)
laumiere Fri 07-Aug-09 11:02:18

Back story: I'm 29, my OH is 36 and was married before. We've been together about 4.5 years, and have 2 boys, 3.5 and 5mo. When DS1 was diagnosed as disabled, OH looked after him weekdays and worked weekends in security. I worked weekdays in a very challenging job and cared for DS1 on weekends. Since I went on mat leave in Jan with DS2, OH had worked full time night shifts to pay for the family. He works 7 nights in a row, has 3 or 4 days off then works another 7 nights.

This is great for the kids as he wakes at 3pm, plays with them while I cook, then helps with baths before going to work. Unfortunately it's killing me by inches, as we rarely get any time together, our sex life is non-existent and I feel that we're drifting apart. OH loves his job (basically he can surf the net and mess about on Facebook for 12 hours a night) and doesn't want to move jobs, so dismisses my concerns with either 1) we knew it was going to be hard until I went back to work in Jan, so (in his words) suck it up, or 2) on the rare occasions we do spend time together it's fun, so clearly no problem.

I get annoyed because of the (for example) 3 days he has off, he'll get up on 3pm the first day then go out with his friends, come home late and stay up til the early hours drinking so he's useless the next day til about midday (by which time both kids are tired). We'll watch TV in the evening then I have to all the extra housework him being home creates and I'll go to bed at 11 to be up with the kids. The third day he'll stay up late to get back in the night routine, drink more and watch TV loudly til the early hours while I try to sleep upstairs. I should point out he can be thoughtful and sweet too, but I'm feeling increasingly fed up that I seem to have to provide all of the momentum for change.

So my problem is: most couples I know are not in this situation, so I honestly don't know if I'm whinging for no reason, or if I should be concerned about our relationship. I don't feel I can ask OH to leave a job he likes just because I'm miserable, but I seem to fight with him all the time over this, and sometimes wonder if we're meant to be together if we keeo having fights.

HecatesTwopenceworth Fri 07-Aug-09 22:23:58

Have you talked to him? You need a long and honest conversation about how you're feeling.

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