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Advice for my struggling DS please?

(24 Posts)
chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 09:16:20

HI its me again with yet another problem!!

So where I am now - 21/2 weeks since H left and shacked up with OW. I am coping as well as I can and am quite relieved he's gone.

My DD(9) is coping quite well (she understands the situation and is used to him being away with work and 2 other seperations) with her its talk talk talk and I think she's going to be ok.

My DS (3) on the other hand is falling apart sad. 4-5 times a day he'll stop what he's doing and start crying asking for his dad. When H leaves after a visit or drops him off, DS crumples and begs him to come home, its like watching a heart break right in front of you - and its killing me.

When I ask him what I can do to help him/make him happy he just says "get my dad back". He tells me everyday that I'm not the best, his dad's the best and he only wants him. He's throwing huge shouting tantrums (not unlike the one DH was displaying in the run up to leaving btw)about anything and everything and has starting hitting.

I just dont know what to do. I could get his dad back if I sell my soul to the devil that is, but even though I love my DC more than life itself, I know this is the best for them in the long run and I never want H back. I feel guilty, confused and hurt.

All I do is wait for him to calm down, keep explaining as best I can ("daddy left because we argued too much"), keep cuddling him ect. H is being great about keeping alot of contact (seeing him e/o day and taking them out every sunday) but its not making much difference.

Can anybody suggest what else I can do???

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 10:18:07

not sure..
think your doing everything you can do by just being there when DS upsett. (bless him)
soo so hard, but it time as he gets older will see it's for the best, i know bit of away off.
does he talk with his sister much? maybe if he knows she feels sad about daddy too and that it's ok to feel like that might help!.

or maybe daddy could speak with him and reassure him how much he still loves him.

and he doesnt mean your not the best.
just doesnt know how to express himself...

lilacclaire Fri 07-Aug-09 10:24:06

Aw that is so bloody sad I can feel the pain from here.

Agree with lucy and his sister could help a lot here if thats an option, she could maybe explain it in a childs way that daddy still loves them and will still see them lots.

Have you told your H whats going on and he could maybe offer some more reassuarance.

Your doing everything you can, the little one probably feels very insecure just now and will take some time to adapt to the new situation, he will get there, just keep doing what your doing.

heavenstobetsy Fri 07-Aug-09 10:36:10

I think you are doing everything you can and whilst it is very difficult I think all you can do is give it time.

2.5 weeks isn't very long (although I am sure it seems an eternity to you) - if you and your ex just keep telling him how much you both love him and you ex keeps up the very regular contact I think things will improve once your DS realises daddy is still there, just in a different way.

When my brother's wife left him it was like this for a while but things did get better with time - a lot better! hang on in there

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 11:04:12

thank you all so much.

He seems to be taking alot of his anger out on DD tbh. I will try that strategy though - I agree it would be helpful.

H is doing everything he can - he has always been very affectionate and is saying all the right things but nothing he says makes a difference, I know it will take time I just wish I could fastforward to the magical time when it will be better.

This is one of the reaons we put off splitting for so long i think. I feel very selfish as I could put an end to this pain for DS, but I'd be hurting myself. I feel like I'm putting myself first and it goes against everything I beleive a mother should do. I know that may sound stupid, but I cant help it. I know it is for the best - it just doesnt feel that way yet....sad

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 11:10:56

not selfish at all!!
you'll be a better mummy all round if your a happy one> x

QOD Fri 07-Aug-09 11:17:50

I dont think you should say that you argued too much - you are taking blame on yourself there
Maybe more along the lines of
when you are a grown up sometimes, you stop loving another grown up - daddy still loves you and dd

COming from a broken home, i think the parent in the wrong SHOULD take some of the flippin blame! and you are kind of being blamed

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 11:44:44

thank you Lucy. I see what your saying QOD. H has taken the blame, but I dont want DC to know bad stuff about him. He IS to blame for most of it. I didn't know what do say about why, we have said we find it hard to live together but when talking to the kids H always says he does love me, so I dont want to confuse them....

I know it sounds like a crazy situation but this isn't about us not loving each other anymore. I thought it would be more helpful if DC know that - bad move??

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 11:54:40

but think there will always be some element of love between the parents so shouldnt say that you dont love eachother..

I think you were right in what you did say about the argueing. and that it is hard for you to live together.

and hard as it may be dont push blame (even if you do hate them) thats not fair as you are both mum & dad and loves you the same.
you would only end up pushing ds away.

he will come to learn on his own his parents characters and who done what.

So i really do think you are handling it the best way possible.. wink

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 12:25:15

Thank you. I would never push blame at all. I'm not the sort of mum or person to do that. What I ment was I know whos to blame but I dont want them to know that. I dont ever want them to find out the things he's done.

My dad said yesterday "I hope he knows how lucky he is" because I wont say a bad word about him. After all he's done - there are plenty of women out there that would slam him - I just love my kids too much to do that

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 12:38:37

i didnt mean that you would.
i was meaning to say that i dont think it is right too in general.
actually think your very strong woman to not take a pop at him (must not be easy)..

and just shows how much you love your kids x

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 13:21:20

Thank you. Also what do you think of this? H has said he would like to come put kids to bed a couple of times a week as before he left this was something he had started to do more often. My family think that it may be confusing especially for DS that his dad was there to put him to bed but not there in the morning. H has also offered to have them (here) some weekends, but again would that confuse them even more?

Its hard because as he is "staying" with OW, there is no way he can have them overnight and the thing they miss the most is their morning cuddles. Btw he has no money to rent his own place thus this is why OW was created!

I dont want to make this harder for DC but at the same time I dont want them to miss out on such precious moments if they can be arranged. Help!!

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 13:25:00

I think i agree with your family, could make him more upsett to find daddy not there in the morning..

Is H mum around,anyway he could spend the night at hers with kids?

beanieb Fri 07-Aug-09 13:27:30

Did his dad leave just because you argued too much or was it because he had another woman?

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 13:40:41

lucy - his mums place isn't big enough to have them all overnight...

Beanieb - its a bloody long story!!! He left because despite all his bests efforts to "change" in the last 5 months (he's emotional abusive, has anger issues and everything else you can think of) I still couldnt forgive the things that have gone on in the past and wasnt happy. He then decided to go back to his old ways(i cant really say what they are) and I asked him to make a choice - that life or the life with me - he chose his way. He met OW 2 days after he left and she happens to be a toal mug!!!

Complicated I know, but I really cant put down anymore and stay anon

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 13:48:17

(i cant really say what they are)
think i can guess and that dh had same problem before..

how do you feel about h? might be a wake up call for him..not having the cuddles with the kids in the morning & not putting them to bed at night.. i guess he will have to come over to your's if no where else.

is there somewhere you could stay and leave him & kids to it. so whilst not ideal doest give DS wrong impression of olds times as a family? .

OrangeFish Fri 07-Aug-09 13:55:17

I think DD is too young to be expected to explain things to a younger brother. SHe has her own battles and shouldn't be burdened with what is essentially the parents role.

I think it is a very tricky situation, may I suggest you ring a lovely place where they can give you some advice on how to deal with the situation? They are lovely and very experienced, and free. Their main aim is to help new separated families to settle and work well in their new situation. I found their advise unvaluable:

The Centre for Separated Families

OrangeFish Fri 07-Aug-09 13:56:23

And obviously I have crossposted big time I left this wondow open abut 10:10 blush

KIMItheThreadSlayer Fri 07-Aug-09 13:58:11

I know it is hard right now but your son will get over it.

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 14:21:53

Lucy - It was always the plan that I would go somewhere else - no way I could hang around here with him - far too confusing for DC.

How do I feel about him hmmmmm.....!!! I have loved him for 11 years, I have done everything in my power to be there for him & save this marriage EVERYTHING you could possibly think of. I wish he could be the man I married but I've had to accept that he just isn't anymore - I've let go of that ideal. I agree that this will be a wake up call, but even if he changed dramatically how could I ever forgive him basically replacing me with someone else out of conviniance?? All I've ever wanted is the picture perfect family and have been clinging on by my fingernails to get it. FINALLY I see I'm not going to get that with him - he's made mistakes he cant walk away from - ever. I'm only 28 and reading some of the posts on MN, I see that you can be happy after a bad marriage.

Thanks orangefish I will defo look into that and thanks Kim - I have to keep believing that.


lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 14:34:15

sorry i did'nt get that the ow and him where together.thought it was just somewhere to stay.

for what its worth sounds like your doing good job.. Be happy X

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 14:44:05

thank you - it is somewhere to stay, Its not serious he's just using her as he has nowhere else to go (yeah I know, nice man). I mean if I said to him today "come home and live your life exactly the way you want to and I wont get invloved" he'd be here in a shot - however I have a bit more respect for myself and my values. He's just turned into one of life's bastards - what can you do? Pick up the pieces, clear up the mess and get on with it - story of my life!!!!

Bloody men, its so easy for them angry

lucymum2four Fri 07-Aug-09 14:55:46

You know what, atleast next time you know what to look for..and when you find that man that treats you right.
well wont that be a kick in the teeth for H!!

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 20:24:29

Lol - your not wrong there!!! Thank you for all your kind words - cant beleive I've only just discovered this place - could have done me wonders many years ago! xx

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