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Im struggling.....

(19 Posts)
sneekpeeks Thu 06-Aug-09 22:06:57

...I left my husband around 6 weeks ago. Me and Ds (2 yrs) went and stayed at my Mums for the first week whilst ExH found somewhere else. This decision of mind came out the blue for my ExH....surprisingly for myself as well. Its not until now that I realise just how unhappy I had been and actually I had detached myself emotionally from my DH, a very long time ago. My ExH isnt a bad person, Me and DS never wanted for anything, so I really do not understand why I wasnt happy.

Im struggling now (and rambling, sorry !), I have lost alot of my friends, enivitable, I spose, I do have a lovely few around me, and my Mum and Dad and there partners and DS is improved in his behaviour loads since all this has come about.

My problem......have I done the right thing...?? Ok, I wasnt happy, but should I have split up the family and caused all this heartache to so seems to have suddenly hit me and I feel so alone and so unsure about the future. DS is so clued up for his age and comes out with things that shock and scare me. He sees ExH loads, but does seem alittle freaked out when he knows hes going to see Daddy...hes fine when he goes off with him and when he comes back though.

I know Im not the only one that is going through this..

Dont really know what Im expecting from posting this, but I think I just needed a vent and if anybody is still awake after reading this, I thank you xxx

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 22:35:21

Why did you leave dh? Did it take you some time to decide this? It can't have been easy for you, you have to trust your instincts i think.

sneekpeeks Thu 06-Aug-09 22:39:28

When I first left, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted.....says it all I think

I havent really been happy for awhile, things kept sort of getting in the way, DH was ill and had to have an op, then his parents were moving OZ, think I got to a point where I couldnt keep making excuses..

LittleMissMummy Thu 06-Aug-09 22:40:43

sneekpeeks - cant really give a lot of advice on this. What were your reasons for leaving? Are you maybe just a bit scared/worried about being a single mother or do you truly belive you have made a mistake.

Sorry to hear you are going through this

ideasplz Thu 06-Aug-09 22:43:38

maybe you just needed a bit of break?

sneekpeeks Thu 06-Aug-09 22:43:50

Im unsure, I think thats the problem....
I dont think Im scared of being a single mum, even though I said I felt alone....
Think probably just feel guilty for DS sake and hoping that Im not screwing him by doing all this...

sneekpeeks Thu 06-Aug-09 22:44:59

Maybe I do need a break, but when I think about getting back with DH, it really doesnt appeal !!

Maninadirndl Thu 06-Aug-09 22:46:21

Go back to him.

Isnt thst what marriage is al about

LittleMissMummy Thu 06-Aug-09 22:49:35

It's only been 6 weeks - perhaps you just need some more time? I've never been in your situation so wouldn't really know how long it would take until you no longer feel alone or worried about the decision. But I think the fact that when you think about getting back with your DH you say it doesn't really appeal to you, it sounds like you have made the right choice. Have you spoke to anybody in RL about it, family or friends?

ideasplz Thu 06-Aug-09 22:50:31

maybe you need some more time off.

ideasplz Thu 06-Aug-09 22:51:26

have you thought of speaking to a relate?

Gloria42 Thu 06-Aug-09 22:52:07

Sneekpeeks, a lot of your story rings true from my own situation 6 years ago. I made the break from my exH and it came as a surprise to most people, including him. I had been very good at hiding how unhappy I was.
At the time, I felt that because I didn't want him, he deserved "custody" of our friends. We had been at school together so most of our friends were in common. Looking back now I see it was me who created the distance, not my friends.
I hope things work out for you

sneekpeeks Fri 07-Aug-09 12:27:14

Many thanks for all you comments.
Gloria42, I was very good at hiding how unhappy I was too, still am really.

I agree you have to work at a marriage and I havent just stepped out of it cos I cant be bthered, I genuinely feel alot better since I made the decision to end it.
I couldnt carry on feeling so unhappy and then getting several years down the line (with more DCs maybe) and realising I had been kidding myself and all around, it wouldnt be fair on anybody.

Lemonylemon Fri 07-Aug-09 13:01:14

Sneekpeeks - it has ONLY been 6 weeks. It's still very early and it will take a lot longer for you to settle down etc. Don't beat yourself up. If you feel it would help, get some counselling. You do sound weary, though....

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 13:32:23

I'm guessing that there is more to this then your letting on. I know how that feels and your entitled to keep it to yourself, but its quite hard to advise as you dont seem to know why you left in the first place (or dont want to say).

All I can say is be true to your heart. Maybe you've just fallen out of love with your H? Could it be possible your depressed and maybe looking at him as the problem - the thing you need to change?

I'm in a situation where my H left without really thinking it through and is now regreting it - but as he's taken up with someone else (and for many other reasons) I can never take him back.

Does your H want you back? You should only consider going back if you know the real reasons why you left and you can be sure you wont feel this way again as it will affect DS alot xx

sneekpeeks Fri 07-Aug-09 14:06:22

Yeah, I know councelling is an option and one I am going to look in too.

I dont think I am depressed, altho my ExH thinks this is all PND, its not !!

The sad thing is, my ExH has not once, since I left, asked me to reconsider or come back....think he probably felt things werent right deep down, but it took one of us to take action......

There really is nothing else behind all of this, just the fact that I felt I couldnt be with him anymore cos he was making me miserable and I was then making DS miserable.

Thanks again for the advice x

chickybabe Fri 07-Aug-09 14:28:29

Did you maybe leave to get a reaction in a way?

It seems it could be as simple as you've both fallen out of love with each other. Dont force yourself to consider going back because you feel like you should do, sometimes things are this clean cut. If you feel better since you left and your H isn't even asking you back, perhaps you should just move on and be happy.


Tillyscoutsmum Fri 07-Aug-09 15:06:51

Sneek - don't let other people's reactions sway your decision.

I found when I left my ex h (sounds similar - he was a decent man in lots of ways but I just wasn't happy) a lot of our mutual friends and even my own family make me feel very uncomfortable. They took his "side" and were convinced I was making a mistake.

Ultimately, they weren't the ones in my marriage - I was. Just because I put a show on of being happy, doesn't mean that I was. Just because he was a "nice" man and we had this supposedly "perfect" life, didn't mean I didn't dread going home to him at night because we had absolutely nothing in common and nothing to talk about.

I left 5 years ago and am now happily re-married and pg with our second dc.

You owe it to yourself and your ds to make sure you are making the right decision but if you know you can not be happy with your ex h, then splitting up can only be the best thing for everyone in the long run imho

sneekpeeks Fri 07-Aug-09 20:04:11

Tillyscoutsmum.....thank you, thank you !! You have put it all so perfectly.

I think the fact that I would dread him coming home from work, proves alot.
Everyone, friends and family, were so shocked as they thought we had the perfect life and nobody expected me to do this.

I know I will be happy again, and yes I know its only 6 weeks and its going to take alot longer to get settled, but sometimes I just have these wobbles where I just panic for DSs sake.

You have really helped me realise that Im not the only one to just fall out of love with my seemingly perfect H, and what I have done really is for the best. Everyone thinks you should buckle down and get on with life, but I cant do that.

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