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MIL doesn't want me to tell dh when she is ill

(12 Posts)
moffat Thu 06-Aug-09 20:46:13

I am a firm believer that families should not hide things from each other. MIL sometimes feels unwell - dizzy spells, possible labyrithitis - and she always tells me not to tell dh as he will worry and complain that she is doing too much. He is not an anxious type and is much more laid-back and sensible than me in many ways.

She does do too much for BIL, SIL and their dcs but that is her choice. I feel that it is is wrong of her to ask me to keep things from dh and I have told her this but obviously I do comply with her wishes.

I just wanted to know what other people thought about this. MIL and dh have a very good relationship and he does a lot for her.

Littlefish Thu 06-Aug-09 20:47:57

If she doesn't want dh to know, then she shouldn't tell you either.

Littlefish Thu 06-Aug-09 20:49:08

Sorry - pressed enter too soon!

Meant to say that I know my dh would be upset if I didn't tell him about his mother, under the circumstances you've outlined. I don't think it's fair of her to ask you to keep secrets from your dh.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 06-Aug-09 20:50:52

I would say to her she can't be expected to keep things from your own husband and he would be annoyed with you if he knew you had.

moffat Thu 06-Aug-09 22:11:05

Thanks Littlefish and FabBakerGirlisBack for your posts. Dh won't be annoyed with me as he knows what she is like but I just find the whole thing really wrong and I wish I didn't have to deal with it.

2rebecca Thu 06-Aug-09 22:33:51

I would tell her not to mention her state of health to you if she doesn't want her son to know as you don't lie to your husband. I'd probably avoid having conversations with an inlaw like that and leave my husband to talk to them. If it's more feeling unwell than actually being unwell is just just doing a "poor me" thing that some women do if they are overly illness focussed.

moffat Thu 06-Aug-09 22:39:34

thanks 2rebecca, I help out a lot when she is unwell so if she didn't tell me she would be really stuck and I would feel bad. She is quite "hardy" in that even when ill she gets on with things so not a "poor me" situation.

I think if she is unwell then one of us at least needs to know, I just don't accept this idea of not telling your own children. I think that whatever issues there are - her doing too much for BIL and SIL, which is stressing her out - need to be discussed by her and dh.

2rebecca Fri 07-Aug-09 07:49:16

If my husband was helping out my mum because she was too unwell to do stuff for herself I would expect him to tell me. I would just tell her you don't lie to your husband and think he should know if she's ill enough to need help. Do you just not tell him you're visiting? He must wonder why you've gone round without him if she's claiming to be well.

TwoHot Fri 07-Aug-09 08:46:51

Next time remind her that what she tells you she also tells DH. Be very firm. Its OK to tell your husband, dont feel guilty!

moffat Fri 07-Aug-09 08:50:17

I am SAHM and with the dcs on holiday it does not seem weird if I go round there in the day. I agree it is not right and I did have words with her about it yesterday and said I don't believe in keeping things like this from people but she is adamant.

MIL and I speak every day and are quite close and dh gets a lot of information about her from me but I have decided now not to speak about her to him at all. He happened to call her yesterday when she had just had a dizzy spell and she did not tell him. I know that parents sometimes don't want to worry their children but I think that grown-up children should be able to handle this kind of thing.

TwoHot Fri 07-Aug-09 15:54:08

I think that keeping things from your husband is not a good idea.

2rebecca Sat 08-Aug-09 23:28:16

Would you be happy if your husband colluded with your mum or dad in this way though? I'd feel quite betrayed by both my parent and spouse if this happened to me. She does seem to be confiding in you rather than her son, I can't see how that's good for your husband or your marriage. I'd really hate this cloak and dagger stuff. I would be adamant that I wouldn't keep anything from my husband and if my MIL wants her medical stuff kept confidential then she should just talk to her doctor. Surely your relationship with your husband is more important than that with your MIL although you do both sound overly dependant on each other and as though you are excluding your husband from the "inner circle" and almost replacing him as favoured child.

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