relationship meltdown. objective opinions gratefully received.

[ithinkitsover]

I've been together for 9 years with dp and lately the thought of another 9 years of this bores me to tears.

I can't get my head round that this is going to be the rest of my life.

We hardly have sex, about once every 1-2 months, always initiated by me and when I try to discuss wanting more he makes me feel like crap by telling me sex isn't everything.

I wouldn't even mind the lack of sex if we had intimacy and cuddles but we don't. I used to try all the time but I've sort of given up now.

He smokes a lot of weed and it makes him very lazy and not the greatest company in the world when all he wants to do every night is zone out infront of the telly. And then there's the money spent on it rather than putting food on the table.

The sheer frustration of it all has been descending into arguments and long silences.

Then theres the differences of opinion on the biggies. I want more kids (we have 1), he doesn't. I want to get married, he doesn't.

Can you pull a relationship back from this state?

We aren't communicating, I know that, but there is no way he would see relate or anything.

We have both admitted recently we aren't very happy together anymore. He used to be one of my closest friends but now I feel so damn lonely in this relationship. I've even been doing the research on how to leave him as I don't know how much more of this I can take.

One part of me wants to fight for it, another part has all but given up yet I feel sick at the thought of breaking up our family. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[BonsoirAnna]

Why on earth do you want to save this relationship? Move on!

[ithinkitsover]

Really Bonsoir??? I wasn't expected that at all.

I suppose for the sake of ds (yes - I know, I know) and for the good times we have had.

[ilovetochat]

i would tell him how seriously you are thinking of leaving and ask him if he wants to make it work.

[BonsoirAnna]

Saving a relationship "for the good times we have had" ie the past is never a good reason.

Your DS won't necessarily be less happy if you and your DP split - if you are much happier and have renewed energy because you split from your DP, you will have more time for your DS.

And if you split, you have every chance of finding a new partner and having more children (and siblings for your DS)!

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

I second ilovetochat. It might be the boot up the bum he needs, and at least you'll know you tried.

[ithinkitsover]

I have mentioned leaving before. He told me he doesn't want me or ds to leave but nothing changes.

He feels 'trapped', yet doesn't want us to go.

I honestly don't know where to start as I've begun to emotionally separate myself the longer this has gone on.

I know it's not really a good reason bonsoir but I saw my mum and dad get through a particularly messy part of their relationship to have really good times together later on in life. I suppose this has coloured my view.

[BonsoirAnna]

Sure, but you don't get through the bad times by remembering good times past: you might get through the bad times by thinking up a strategy for a better life together, and actually executing that strategy!

[pasturesnew]

I would also tell him you are seriously thinking of leaving and MAKE him come to Relate or similar. It's not a big ask, is it!

[beanieb]

I've been in this position. I recon only at the point that you leave will he start making promises to change and to give you everythig you want. Ultimatums don't work unless you can follow them through.

When I left that's when I got all the promises of a better life together, by then it was too late and anyway I didn't bellieve him.

[ithinkitsover]

Sorry but the idea of making him going to a counsellor makes me laugh. He thinks even psych doctors are a load of mumbo gumbo.

Thanks beanieb. That's given me food for thought as we did break up for a while about 5 years ago because of the kids/marriage thing. He promised me he had changed his mind to get me back, now seems to have conveniently forgotten that conversation.

I don't even think we would have had ds if we hadn't of been plastered on my birthday.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Start making preparations to leave - have a look and see what property is available/affordable, check your legal position with CAB/a lawyer and so on - and let him see that you're making preparations. If he realises that this time you mean it, he might make the effort. Because it really is down to him in the end.

[ithinkitsover]

Unfotunately house is his and I'm SAHM so I would have to get a lot of support. Have recently started applying to get back into full-time work in case the proverbial hits the fan.

[MorrisZapp]

Why do you want to marry a man who smokes weed all the time, zones out etc, wastes money, and doesn't seem to want to sleep with you?

Surely you can do better for yourself than this.

He won't change unless you actually do leave him and of course by then things might be different and you wouldn't want him back anyway.

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Until he actually says action with regards to you moving out with DS, I don't think anything will change.

Men take notice of action much more than words.

[HolyGuacamole]

Yep, agree with everyone. If there are no consequences to his actions (or rather, lack of actions) then there is no reason for him to change.

You must put yourself first and if he wants to follow, then it will be up to you to decide.

Smoking loads of dope is a big part of the problem because as you know, it encourages laziness and sucks away any get up and go that he might have had before, as well as having a detrimental effect on your relationship.

I think you need to make your own plans and see what he does. If you leave him, it will be his own stupid fault.

[ithinkitsover]

Very true fab

Yes, you're right morris. I can do better. I want to do things with my life and am trying to change career through studying atm.

HG dope is a huge problem. That's what I hate about it. It really makes you lazy and apathetic.

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit more spurred into action and I'm going to try and sort something out tonight, whether it be stay or go things can't keep going the way they are. Have to go as I can hear ds up from his nap.

[jujumaman]

At least try some counselling. If he won't come, it's definitely time go butyou can look back and know you tried - and say so when he and others complain.
Good luck