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Paranoid!

(23 Posts)
2muchflab Thu 06-Aug-09 14:49:43

I have just found out a friend of mine has been cheating and for some reason it is making me look at my own marriage and wondering if my husband could be cheating on me. I don't think he is in reality, but he has been flirting with a woman at work. I read some gmail chat between them when I was looking for an email I sent from his account, silly stuff really he said she smelt earlier and jokey stuff, I thimk maybe it is appropriate for a proffesional relationship. He has just had a week off work and we did some DIY etc and we had some family days out. When he went back to work she sent a message asking how his holiday was and he replied "Rubbish" which really hurt my feelings.
He doesn't know I have seen this message. Thing is he told me when a colleague was dating her that he was a lucky bastard because she looked like a supermodel. At the weekend when he had a few glasses of wine I asked if he fancied her and he said she was very attractive, I said what would you do if she came onto you and he said nothing she is just a work colleague, (he would say that though) He then said I was being silly and he has no desire to have an affair. I hate that I have felt like snooping, he has a password lock on his blackberry phone which he said is a security thing with work, but the other day he went out and left it at home I tried to phone him and it rang in the cupboard and was not locked, I didn't snoop but since then it has been locked so wonder if he is hiding anything. I did see an email ages ago where she was asking him to do something work related and he replied "you know that I would do anything for you" at the time I just thought he was being flirty and I still think really he probably still is just being flirty but I don't like it and it makes me feel insecure.
I don't think she would really be intersted in him and I did say when I asked if he fancied that she probably wouldn't be interested, think that hurt his ego abit. Although what I meant was why would she be interested in a married man with four kids.
I know I have rambled on. Thank you if you managed to read to the end!

2muchflab Thu 06-Aug-09 15:09:26

What I meant to say was I think it is inappropriate to flirt with colleagues. Unless ofcourse you are single.

mrsboogie Thu 06-Aug-09 15:48:59

to be honest this sounds like a scenario that is played out in every office in the land every day. Sounds like he fancies her, yes, but he probably fancies lots of women - like all men do. If she is a gorgeous as he makes out all the men in the office probably fancy her. Just like if there was an office hunk and all the women fancied him.

Doesn't mean anything is going to to happen and the banter between them sounds fairly innocent, to be fair. Sounds like he has a bit of a crush and believes (possibly rightly) that he wouldn't have a chance with her. Doesn't mean he is going to do anything about it.

Doesn't hurt to keep an eye on things though.

MorrisZapp Thu 06-Aug-09 15:57:01

Doesn't sound to me like he's cheating or planning to cheat.

It's not nice hearing your DP saying that somebody else is gorgeous but realistically we all say this all the time don't we - lots of people are gorgeous!

If that is hurtful to you then you could gently tell ask that he saves his compliments for you and calls other people gorgeous on his own time.

lilacclaire Thu 06-Aug-09 16:08:10

I'd be really hurt that he said the holiday was rubbish as well.

I would ask him about that tbh.

2muchflab Thu 06-Aug-09 16:20:03

Thank you for your replies. I hate having this horrible paranoid feeling and wish it would go away. I don't want him to think I don't trust him so am not sure about mentioning the gmails i've seen although they were seen in innocence and not through snooping. Also what if you do snoop and find something you don't want to, I just don't know what I would do. Wish he still fancied me though. I still make an effort although have struggled with the weight a bit after having fourth child but not obese.

mrsboogie Thu 06-Aug-09 16:21:48

yeah I forgot to say that the holiday thing would be annoying and upsetting but it could have been a silly throw away comment. The other day a colleague asked me what excitment I had planned for the night ahead and I said that the most exciting aspect of my evening was likely to be wondering what time the baby would go to bed. When I relayed it to my DP as part of another conversation later he said that it sounded like I meant my life (and therefore he) is very boring. I didn't mean that at all - I was just being flippant but you can see how it may have sounded out of context.

2muchflab Mon 10-Aug-09 21:31:48

Thanks everyone,
I did mention the comment about holiday being rubbish and he hit the roof and stormed out the house. Anyway when he came back he was calmer and I thought fair enough maybe I am being a silly cow and everything was fine, good even, untill today.....when I was on the computer and "in recent items" it had password docs listed under hubbys name I typed in our normal password that we use and I found as you would expect details for our joint account and utilitys and then some initials that made no sence and a different password etc, to cut a long story short I figured it was another account that I had no knowledge of and typed the info into the website of where I figured (from intials) the account is and felt sick when my fears were realised. My husband has a secret bank account with not a small amount of money in. I am so angry. When he came home from work I said I needed to get some fresh air as being at home with all the kids plus their freinds I needed some time out. I don't want him to know I know. I am so gutted and anoyed.
What should I do?

tiredoftherain Mon 10-Aug-09 21:47:18

Oh blimey.. shock

Could there be some innocent explanation? Is he saving to take you on a surprise holiday, to buy something special? Could he be in some kind of debt or financial trouble this has been earmarked for? How was your marriage generally pre this suspicion? Could he be planning to leave and keep a secret stash?

I really don't know if it's better to confront this straight away and say you know, or to save the details for now and gather more evidence. I'd definitely print off a statement page in case the money suddenly disappears.

Sorry for you, what a shock.

twoclimbingboys Mon 10-Aug-09 21:53:15

sorry - that all sounds the upsetting.

Has he been spending out of this secret account? If so, what on?

fc for you that there is an innocent explanation. I would print off a statement page as tired has suggested.

2muchflab Mon 10-Aug-09 21:55:17

Well, it is our 10nth wedding anniversary early next year and I suggested a holiday. He said he would be getting a bonus for 2.5k and I should find somewhere we can all go but it can not cost more then the 2.5k (which is less then half what he has in secret account) so I doubt he opened it for a surprise. His sister used to talk about her rainy day account that her then hubby didn't know about so this is my obvious conclusion.
I don't want him to know. I am not normally a snoopy person but just had this felling for a while now, he opened the account in november last year. God I hope there is an innocent explanation, I guess I will keep my eye on it.

2muchflab Mon 10-Aug-09 22:15:41

(angry) I don't know, some money has gone out 1.5k but I don't know what on. Thing is we took out a loan to upgrade the cars, I am a sahm have been childminding but I am going back to college in september so really srtuggle at the moment and he is such a tightass that he moans about paying for anything. He said we need to pay half each of the loan which is a struggle for me but I agreed as I needed a reliable car, thing is that loan that I am struggling with, he has nearly that amount in his secret account!!

twoclimbingboys Mon 10-Aug-09 23:11:02

That sounds really mean of him. I bet you have been fighting urges to transfer it out and ram it up his behind - I would anyway.

2muchflab Mon 10-Aug-09 23:42:02

My head is spinning, when I came home from my walk he went to bed feeling unwell, funny enough I didn't feel very sympathetic towards him.
Is it ever okay to have a secret bank account?
I try my hardest to be a good wife and mother.
We don't lack intimacy in the bedroom blush
I just don't understand. Is it because I am no longer a size 12 after four kids I am now a 16 but am trying to do something about it, can someone be that shallow.

I just tried to unlock his phone with the password he told me but it doesn't work and he will now know I tried because on his bloody phone when I tried again it said 2of10, which I guess means attempts. Bloody hell, what a nightmare.

purpleduck Mon 10-Aug-09 23:53:39

You are a SAHM, and he is making you pay half of a loan? With what money?

I would keep an eye on that money.

abedelia Tue 11-Aug-09 12:38:10

This is all extremely dodgy - sounds like he has developed an unhealthy level of crush on her and if she so much as says the word because she is feeling a bit bored, he will be right there for her.

Believe me, it doesn't take much - and anyway, how would he feel if you said / sent things like that to another bloke? I think it is time you sat him down and had a chat about how uncomfortable this is making you.

You can set it out as a joke, but you do need to make clear that if you found put he was having an affair then he would lose his family and be out on his ear or similar (and do remind him that confiding in someone else and talking to them about important stuff more than he would talk to you is an emotional affair, likewise having communication that he would be uncomfortable about you seeing - men often seem to think that until they have actually inserted their penis in someone else it is not a 'real' affair so they have done nothing wrong...).

skidoodle Tue 11-Aug-09 21:10:38

He's stealing money from you. Deal with that.

tiredoftherain Tue 11-Aug-09 21:17:28

My friend has a rainy day account in her new relationship after a very messy divorce from her first H. I understand her having it, as she was left with nothing first time round, but in a 10 year marriage there shouldn't be the need for this at all, and it's not something I'd ever considered until things started to go a bit awry for H and me.

It does all sound a bit odd added together. I worked in an office where flirty emails were rife, and those who wanted to act on them did, the rest of us rolled our eyes and got on with the job. There were shenanigans aplenty though, and many men seemed to be able to separate their work romances from the reality of home life hmm.

I'm sure all of this has nothing at all to do with your weight or size. If it's having a knock on effect of harming your self confidence, that might be more of an issue if that makes sense.

abedelia Tue 11-Aug-09 23:40:12

Yes - to add to tired's post, it has nothing to do with you, but what he is saying is definitely undermining your self confidence and this needs to stop.

2muchflab Wed 12-Aug-09 16:57:26

I asked him if he had any regrets about us, and he said "ofcourse not don't be silly never for a second have I regretted us" I then mentioned about his sister's secret bank account that she had before she divorced and I wondered if her ex husband ever found out about it. I said I thought it was terrible to keep something like that from your other half and asked what he thought about it. He said it depends what the money is for, If it was a redundancy account incase you suddenly lost your job, then that would be ok or for any other emergency, I said why would that person not be able to tell their other half and he aswered that it would probably be frittered away.
When he opened the account is about the time that a lot of people at his company were made redundant, so I guess it kind of makes sence. But still do not agree with it being secret and I would never take money out of a savings account anyway. This secret account is linked to his work email adress which may explain his need to be secretive about it, also it is around this time that he suddenly needed a lock on his phone.
I guess I am hurt because if he can hide that from me then what else can he hide.
Apart from that things are actually okay between us, he has got a week off next week . I wonder if he feels any guilt after I spoke about his sisters bank account.

HappyWoman Wed 12-Aug-09 17:35:06

oh dear - the account sounds very suspicious, and making you pay your way for a loan????? wtf.

Legally i think all money is jointly yours - i cant think of a reason why anyone who is in a healthy relaionship would have 'secret' money.

I once knew a man who left his wife after getting the biggest bonus ever and she didnt get any of it - he was so mean he didnt want her to get any of it.

Keep an eye on the money but i dont know how you can keep it to yourself - i am hopeless at that and would have blurted it out as soon as i found out.

Him getting angry too is a bad sign imo.

Trust your instincts you are feeling paranoid for a reason remember.

HappyWoman Wed 12-Aug-09 17:36:25

I too would be hurt by the hiding it. Like you say he can hide that what else can he hide. It shows a lack of respect if he is letting you believe you are being open and honest with each other.

NanaNina Thu 13-Aug-09 01:44:34

Dear 2muchflab - sorry but I think you need to stop trying to rationalise things about this secret account and the stuff with the OW at his office.

I know it isn't nice to admit to snooping but I don't believe there is a women in the world who is not capable of behaving in this way. Also it is very addicitive and once you start you can't stop. You are of course driven by your suspicions.

I think it's time to come clean with your H (rather than go round the hosues about his sister's account). If he's got any sense he must be wondering if you have found out anyway. You need to confront him about the OW (which is probably harmless flirting) but he needs to know it is hurting you AND about the secret account.

find a time when the children aren't about and try to keep calm and ask for explanantions. You have a right for this. His anger at your finding out that he said his hliday was rubbish probably means he feels guilty at being found out. People very often cover their real feelings e.g. guilt, shame, fear, hurt etc with anger. Incidentally he must know you have been reading stuff on his mobile?

Also I suspect your self esteem is a bit low as you mention stuff about your size and you call yourself 2muchflab for god's sake! This is nothing to do with anything - you have to believe in yourself. You have a right to make your concerns/worries known to your H - your feelings are just as valid as his.

In the meantime please try to take care of yourself.

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