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Is this it? Our relationship looks ok from the 'outside' but its empty. and so lonely...

(23 Posts)
stilltryingtosell Thu 06-Aug-09 11:25:21

Dont want to bore everyone with the whole history of my relationship but i just dont know where to turn!!

Have been with Dp for 4 years, have a son who is nearly three. He was a 'happy accident.'

Since DS was born we have only had sex on two occasions. both times it was awful, I really sensed dp was going through the motions. i know he would like me to be slimmer (I am 5 foot and ten stone- bigger than pre preg). Dp has issues about himself in this area which i wont go into but I feel more and more that I want to connect with someone in this way- it is more important to me that i knew before.

Every night we do our 'chores' dp is very particular about the house and spends a lot of time keeping things 'up together'. I am expected to do the same. I also work part time. he expects me to listen to his work troubles but it is ovious he isnt terribly interested in my work. After chores and dinner we usually just watch tv or read, but we dont do anything together.

I could go on and on but dont want to drone on. I just feel so empty, is the rest of my life going to be like this- i feel that we are living seperate lives just in the same house. He is not a bad person, difficult but not bad, and i am not perfect. Our life probably looks rosy from the outside but I know better.

Sorry for the extended moan, just had to vent today as last night was particularly soul destroying. if anyone has any thoughts I would be glad to hear them!

HolyGuacamole Thu 06-Aug-09 11:27:28

Have you talked to him about this and what does he say about it?

BonsoirAnna Thu 06-Aug-09 11:29:36

It sounds as neither of you are interested in the other, and that both of you need to start responding to one another's needs better as well as making a concerted effort to make yourselves interesting and appealing!

Go on a diet and make yourself more attractive - it will be better for you and for your DP!

beanieb Thu 06-Aug-09 11:31:46

really - a diet will make every thing ok!? At 5 ft 10 stone is perhaps slightly overweight but I wouldn't say it's anything to worry about!!!

Why not plan some things you can do out of the house? Maybe start planning things to do?

stilltryingtosell Thu 06-Aug-09 11:35:25

Bonsoir, I agree with the first part of your post but If I have to be a perfect size ten to have a sex life then there is no point anyway- and it wont make my Dp any more attractive either will it.

Overmydeadbody Thu 06-Aug-09 11:38:31

If you are not content by this relationship them it might be wise to think about where you would like to be in five year's time, or ten years'...

Would you be happy to still be in this relationship with it the way it is now down the line?

If not, then it might be time to end it. No point wasting your life with a man who you don't really have sex with and who you feel lonely with.

The weight is a seperate issue, I bet even if you lost it you would still feel lonely if you stayed with your DH.

Overmydeadbody Thu 06-Aug-09 11:40:34

But, if you both love each other then it is time to start making changes so you actually connect more, or at least make an effort to. Perhaps this relationship is salvagable if you both make more effort to connect.

I don't think just loosing weight is the answer, it might make him sleep with you more but that alone won't stop the loneliness.

BonsoirAnna Thu 06-Aug-09 11:44:15

I'm a great believer in physical attractiveness making for better relationships, on all kinds of levels! You feel more confident, so you feel more powerful, so you ask for more of what you want...

mrsboogie Thu 06-Aug-09 11:44:27

what was it you both that attracted you in the first place? has either of you changed besides physically?
did things change after the birth of your son?

kidcreoleandthecoconuts Thu 06-Aug-09 11:45:42

Do you love him/ in love with him? Do you think he loves you?
If you love him then you have to try and communicate and sort out the problems you have.
But if you have fallen out of love with each other then maybe it's time to think about your other options.
Bonsoiranna - sorry but what a ridiculous comment. The OP's weight is hardly the problem here. If acouple love each other a few pounds weight gain post children would make no difference to their relationship.

stilltryingtosell Thu 06-Aug-09 11:59:26

Thank you all for your comments.

At the moment I don't feel that I am 'in love' with him, and I doubt he feels that way about me, although he does say he loves me. I did love him in the beginning but a lot has happened over the last few years, he has made some decisions that I have not agreed with, and we have had an awful lot of stress with regards selling our house and various other things. Also he has been treated for depresson in the past and he says he thinks he is depressed again but is not keen to go to the Gp. To be honest i am feeling quite low as well and life just feels like an endless struggle!

Sometimes I fantasise about being single again, do other people do this? In reality I cannot face the thought of us splitting up, I don't think i have the strength at the moment and i cannot bear to think of my little boy being depreived of his Daddy.

angel1976 Thu 06-Aug-09 12:09:10

Can you afford to get a cleaner or a babysitter? What does your DS do in the day? Does he go to nursery?

I went through something very similar a few months ago with DH. He felt all we did was sit in the house at night (when DS was sleeping) and both on our computers or watching TV but he admitted it was also his fault as he didn't make the effort either and we argued about the housework constantly... So this is what I would suggest to you.

1. Hobby - Can you encourage your DH to take up a sport? And the same for you? My DH joined a Sunday league and now plays football every Sunday morning with my blessing. He loves it and when he is home in the afternoon, he loves spending time with DS and taking him out so I can have some time off occasionally. If weight is an issue, can you go running or arrange with a friend to go swimming together?

2. Cleaner - If you can afford it, get a cleaner. We got one that comes in every week and you have no idea the relief we both sighed as we no longer argue about who has to do the hoovering or bathrooms as it is all done now once a week, which is more than sufficient to keep up with things. I agonised about the money for ages but it is definitely the best money spent for both our sanity.

3. Plan nights out - I have a very good friend and we both have kids with no family nearby. I've known her for more than a year and would trust her with DS's life but we kinda babysat for each other on special occasions. We recently made a more 'formal' arrangement that we take turns to babysit for each other once a fortnight so that every 4 weeks, us and our respective DHs get a night out as a couple. It's worked brilliantly for us. On nights I babysit, DH has a really good friend over for dinner and hang out to do boys' things. On nights my friend babysit, we've gone out for dinner and to the movies etc. It's just so nice that we are doing something for ourselves for a change!

4. Plan something special for the family on weekends - Not every weekend but DH is now tasked with the effort of finding something special for us as a family to do every now and then. Otherwise, we all end up staying at home bored.

Since we started doing all of the above, our relationship has improved greatly! Don't feel like we are stuck in a rut anymore... And I believe the set bit will improve too. Good luck!


kidcreoleandthecoconuts Thu 06-Aug-09 12:22:35

If your DH is depressed then he needs to sort that out before you can sort out your relationship. Lack of sex drive is a big side effect of depression, this might be part of the reason for non existent sex life.
If he has a history of depression it's likely he'll need medication and/or therapy.
I know you said he doesn't want to see his GP but sometimes it's the only way to get better.
When I was depressed me and DP's relationship was sex, no communication, constant arguements or just not speaking for days. But I got better and our relationship is almost unrecognisable.

sandcastles Thu 06-Aug-09 12:36:29

Bonsoir, I am sorry but you are not making sense!

Both dh & I are very different - physically - to how we were when we married 15 yrs ago. I am bigger than I have ever been & he has put on weight too. In all other areas we are the same people, confident, outgoing etc.

We have never connected as well as we do now. We talk so much more, we are closer, we have sex more & it is getting better wink

I don't think a diet is the answer to the OPs problems & actually find it rude that you suggest it could be the answer!

OP, I would plan to do things out of the house together. Get a babysitter in every so often & do something that you both like. Dh & I have started going to the movies once a month (at least) and it is non negotiable. If it gets cancelled for some reason, we make sure we book the ILs for as soon as possible to make sure we don't get out of the habit.

In the house we are happy to sit in separate rooms of an evening, which is why we make time to be together.

We do make sure we go to bed together as much as possible, as that is where we do most of our talking.

But before all that, talk to him. Find out why he is being like he is. There is usually a reson.

Good luck!

skihorse Thu 06-Aug-09 12:41:48

OP, your weight does not dictate the happiness of your relationship and it's unfair for another poster to suggest that your life will turn around if you were "a size 10"! I also feel very sorry for anyone whose happiness revolves around their dress size. (fwiw, 10 stone at 5' hardly makes you wheelchair bound does it?)

You definitely need to reconnect with your husband and of course this starts with communication.

MiniMarmite Thu 06-Aug-09 12:50:08

I think angel is right.

Once you have kids it is very easy to sit --on mumsnet-- watching tv all evening and getting chores done without talking to one another. DH and I often do that because we're a bit too tired to have an interesting conversation and I don't always feel like I have anything interesting to say as I am at home all day with DS.

Having some interests separately and together may help to spark you back into life. I usually find that being active makes me feel more attractive, eat more healthily etc. Getting early nights rather than doing all the chores meticulously might help with the sex life too.

Maybe have a chat with him and agree to try some of these things. If things aren't better after a few months then maybe then it is time to have another think.

BonsoirAnna Thu 06-Aug-09 13:01:09

I said nothing about being a size 10, anywhere!

JustWannaSay Thu 06-Aug-09 13:16:53

Just in support of BonsoirAnna's point - I think the point is that if you feel insecure about yourself, it is difficult to feel confident in your relationships. So if your weight is making you insecure (and the fact that you outlined what your height and weight are and mentioned that your DP perhaps would like it to be less, suggests that you are at least a little insecure about it) then tackling this would be a positive step in the direction of your own emotional wellbeing that would have a positive impact on your relationship.

It's not about being a particular size or shape, just about being happy in your own skin, which is the first step in being happy within a relationship, I think. It is about self-esteem, self-respect, feeling confident and powerful in yourself.

Even if you don't actually lose any weight or change your size, some regular exercise would make you feel mentally a lot better about yourself and physically healthier with more energy, which automatically and without fail makes you feel better and more motivated to work on your relationship. If nothing else, it gets you out the house and gives you a goal, and something to talk about. Worth a go smile

ducati Thu 06-Aug-09 13:49:07

whatever you do, do something. i was in this situation a few years ago, did nothing despite knowing all was not well and ended up having an affair -- not a good idea. if your needs are not met at home you will find a way for them to be met elsewhere. water always finds its own level. the lack of sex thing can really creep up on you. if you don't feel desired by dh you will fall for first man who makes you feel lovely. take action....

superfrenchie1 Thu 06-Aug-09 14:01:46

ducati - what happened after you had the affair?

i am in a similar but worse situation to the OP. my partner won't admit he's depressed (but i think he probably is - he doesn't seem to have any joy in life and rarely laughs or jokes, and has been in the same low-grade job for 9 years) but he is also actively mean to me as well, i think he has control issues.

actually i was probably in your shoes a few years ago and didn't do anything about it and now i just feel so disconnected from him.

i am going to start saving up to leave him - i have given it much thought and am mentally prepared to be a single mum, now just need to sort the practical side. sorry to go on about me.

please do SOMETHING though whether it's work on your relationship, try Relate, etc. don't end up like me. good luck!

ducati Thu 06-Aug-09 14:23:10

total mess. affair began to run out of steam -- largely due to practical difficulties when you are both married. my other man was always pissed off that i maintained nothing wrong with my marriage. ha ha. how funny that seems now. denial is a powerful thing indeed. when affair began to end i suddenly realised how deeply miserable i was with dh. then dh had work-inspired breakdown (feel bad i was so preoccupied i didnt see signs) and marriage has now completely crumbled. i too am mentally preparing to leave, or rather for him to leave, when he is feeling a bit better. he happy to go, tho that complicated by the mental health stuff. that is why i warn our friend who started this thread -- don't assume your relationship is a solid edifice which can withstand all sorts. relationships are very fragile things that need constant attention. children and work make immediate demands, and we often think relationships can wait to be attended to later. they can't

superfrenchie1 Thu 06-Aug-09 14:36:40

yikes... poor you. hope it all works out for the best in the end.

ducati Thu 06-Aug-09 14:39:39

ta. let me know how its going with your plans to leave. know exactly what you mean about preparing mentally to be single mum. sorry to bore everyone else but i have learnt painful lesson about relationship neglect......

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