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Really need some advice - what do you think? (sorry may be long)

(14 Posts)
chickybabe Wed 05-Aug-09 22:35:49

Hi, have posted before but wanted to start a new thread as I really need some advice on a different thing.

H left just over 2 weeks ago - we were "fine" as in an incident that occured 5 months ago prompted him to "change" completly and he's been treating me like a queen but I have rejected it as I felt what he did 5 mnths ago was unforgivable....i'm rambling...

Basically he left and then told me 3 days later this was defo it, as he had met someone else. Cut a long story short - he is "staying" with this woman - hasn't taken his stuff there yet as I took it all to my SIL's house, dumped it in the garage and I know for a fact its all still there.

He insists he did meet her AFTER we split, but what woman (who is by the way 10 yrs older than me!) would allow a relative stranger into her home (alone sometimes) if she didnt know him before???!!!

I have an app with a lawyer in 3 weeks time...advice I need really is - do I get her details and divorce him on grounds of adultery and name her ( as the sane part of me cant believe they have only know each other for such a short time - but I cant see how they could have been together for longer as he was always here beforehand)or do I just do it on grounds of unreasonable behaviour as you can pretty much take your pick on that score....

Would love some advice and welcome any questions!!!

womenfirst Wed 05-Aug-09 22:51:57

I think you need to be honest and go with what you know for sure. You don't want to accuse him of something you don't know is true- it may come back and bite you- if you lie about this and it is proven he is telling the truth then he could use this to make out that you are lying about other things etc. Sounds like you have more than enough to go on, good luck x

CarGirl Wed 05-Aug-09 22:59:36

"adultery" is adultery whether it happens before or after you split up?

It's easier to do it on adultery tbh though you don't have to name her.

chickybabe Wed 05-Aug-09 23:17:05

thank you 4 your replies. He has cheated before though they were in odd circumstanes... I've been reading through so many of these posts - and I just dont want to waste anymore time in this relationship. As much as it kills me to see my dc hurting, i know i have done everything (too much) to keep their dad here and i cant do it anymore.

But he is so cocky, so self assured that he can do or get anything he wants. I want to name her in the divorce because she has no fucking clue what is going on and I want to hurt SOMEONE even close to how I am hurting....does anyone understand - i feel like i'm going mad

womenfirst Wed 05-Aug-09 23:26:39

Of course you're hurting. You're not going mad.
But you need to be dignified and be the bigger person, and behave in a way that makes you proud of yourself. Perhaps it would help to talk to a councellor or similar about your hurt feelings? Hurting someone else might make you feel better for a little while, it might not. But taking out the way you are feeling on someone else is not fair, it sounds like you might have had some experience of that from the other side.

mrsboogie Wed 05-Aug-09 23:29:28

Even if he got with her after he left it is still adultery. I think you can list all of his unreasonable behaviour and include "relationship with another" so long as the claim is made within 6 months of the adultery taking place.

Why not list it all out for all the world to see? I would.

chickybabe Thu 06-Aug-09 08:06:29

thanks. Womenfirst, I see your point and I certainly do have experiance from the other side - its not actually that I want to hurt this woman (for he will surely do enough of that to her) - I just dont see why I shouldn't be honest in my divorce petition. I have been dignifed - I have not tried to contact her, I have not phoned him when I know he's with her. Nothing. As I've posted before I'm glad he's there as it means he's not bugging me. and its had the added bonus of shocking the hell out of him wink Am seeing GP day after lawyer to arrange councelling.

Mrsboogie, thanks for telling me that I didn't know it was still adultery even though he left first - I guess now it doesn't matter if I ever know whether they were together before - apart from my natural curiosity (!) Listing everything he's done is something I specifically dont want to do. At the end of the day my dc come first and I want them to have a great reltionship with their dad. I never want them to find out the things he's done to me.

So I will go down the adultery route I think - and i do want to name her - why the hell not. However I dont even know her surname and everytime I ask H for her address for the Divorce papers he tells me to send it to his mums???? Maybe he thinks I'll cause trouble....does he not realise I'm a 28yo adult who has better things to do like oh i dont know - get his children through this mess?? more likley he doesnt want her finding out the truth. Any ideas how I go about finding this info??

mumblechum Thu 06-Aug-09 08:18:56

Why on earth aren't you seeing a lawyer for 3 weeks??

The danger of divorcing him on adultery is that he denies it, and you've wasted time and money. Your lawyer should get a confession statement out of him first before issuing the petition.

If he won't confess, divorce him on unreasonable behaviour. You can cite the "inappropriate relationship" if you want to. His lawyers will have the opportunity to argue about the details of the petition before it goes to court. This saves time and money. He doesn't need to actually confess to unreasonable behaviour, but he does for adultery.

mumblechum Thu 06-Aug-09 08:21:39

BTW it's considered good practice not to name the co respondent so your solicitor will probably try to talk you out of it. Apart from anything else, she may not confess and then you've wasted the petition fee of £300 and probably spend another few hundred quid amending the petition.

Remember none of this stuff is public knowledge anyway.

chickybabe Thu 06-Aug-09 09:02:05

thanks for the advice mumblechum. Its a minefield!! I am in financial difficulty at the moment and had to wait a while to get an app with someone who provided legal aid.

I didnt realise he would have to confess - i dont understand - if its still adultery even though he left first and he is living with her openly - why would you need a confession??

Guess this app will be an eye opener....

mumblechum Thu 06-Aug-09 10:43:41

Basically you need to know before you issue the petition whether he'll agree to go along with the adultery thing. You may know he's living with her but the court doesn't so needs evidence.

I always check first whether the respondent will admit to adultery. If you don't have somehting in writing, either a letter from his solicitors or a signed confession statement prepared by your solicitor (just a one-liner), then you run the risk of him not admitting it on the acknowledgement of service form which he receives with the petition. If he doesn't admit it then short of wasting vast amounts of money having him followed then you have to withdraw that petition and issue one based on unreasonable behaviour.

Your solicitor will guide you through all this and will try to get his agreement to admit to adultery before paying out court fees & preparing the petition.

chickybabe Thu 06-Aug-09 11:33:51

Many thanks. I've just spoken to him to ask if he's sorted out a solicitor and he still hasn't, says he will do it on Monday when he sees his solicitor for another matter.

I again have asked for OW's address, and he says he doesnt want any links to it, so just do it c/o his mums. I dont see why I should do that - one reason being he only really sees her on a Sunday, and I am aware he only has 8 days to respond to the petition.

I have a few more weeks so I guess I should just wait till then. Now its got this far, I just want it over and done with.

He has said he'll agree with any grounds - so I presume he would sign a confession, however as he hasn't sought legal advice yet - that may change. May I ask mumblechum - as you seem to know what your talking about! - do the grounds have any affect with the proceedings of a divorce? Say like in America adultery can make a court lean in favour to the "victim".

I should point out we have no real assets, we rent our home - we only have the family car really and the contents of the house both of which he has no interest in?

It may help if I know if the grounds of Adultery will make any difference so I can explain it to him before I see solicitor and find out if he will confess? Thanks

mumblechum Thu 06-Aug-09 12:31:34

Hi, the grounds make no difference whatsoever to the financial settlement except in cases where, eg, an unreasonable behaviour petition alleges that one party has embezzled vast amounts of money from joint assets and hidden them away for their own benefit.

As you don't have any significant assets, it won't make a blind bit of difference in your case.

chickybabe Thu 06-Aug-09 13:01:14

Ok thank you, I will speak to him again about it

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