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Another sex thread... struggle to orgasm? how do you over'come'?!

(26 Posts)
FilmNoir Wed 05-Aug-09 19:58:26

have a wonderful dh
can orgasm easily on my own, but have a mental block when it comes to orgasming in front of him, cannot relax.. or let it all go.

I enjoy sex, get turned on etc, but panic when he tries to get me to come as I think I will let him down by not coming...

tips and hints please!

-- just doing this is a bit step for me.

Thankyou x

OnlyWantsOne Wed 05-Aug-09 20:00:00

**sits back and watches - whilst eating poptarts**

stitchtime Wed 05-Aug-09 20:06:47

okie, assuming you are not a troll... just relax. once youve done that. it all flows naturally. and, its perfectly possible tohave satisfying sex, without orgasm.

FilmNoir Wed 05-Aug-09 20:07:04

so poptarts are the key eh! grin

FilmNoir Wed 05-Aug-09 20:08:16

yes, sex is satisfying...as satisfying as it can be without the O?

Im not a troll sad

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 05-Aug-09 20:22:38

Have you tried DIYing with him there? No pressure, just do what you normally do and don't have him involved, just present. Once you've done it once in front of him it might get easier. Do you talk to him about your anxiety?

haventsleptforayear Wed 05-Aug-09 20:25:36

[watching too] (not in a pervy voyeuristic way!)

Have bought a few books on this with extensive self-help programmes - but er... I haven't got the time to do the "exercises".

Can give you names if you want?

haventsleptforayear Wed 05-Aug-09 20:26:05

grin at just relax - oh hadn't thought of that !

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Wed 05-Aug-09 20:34:44

Is the problem that you don't want to come in front of him, or that you get stressed when he tries to 'make' you come?
If it's the matter, just do it yourself - the end result's the same!

twoclimbingboys Wed 05-Aug-09 21:51:44

in the dark and get drunk (but not vomity)!

haventsleptforayear Thu 06-Aug-09 20:23:21

Is this just a post and run? hmm

clairebearx Sat 08-Aug-09 03:44:07

Are you worried about 'losing control' for a specific reason?

Is he 'hitting the right buttons' so to speak?

It does seem a complex psychological issue as much as a physical one..i sometimes feel that i'm taking too long..and that DP is getting bored and anxious- which to be fair he probably is (it does take a while without the aid of buzzy toys for me lol)

If i start to play with myself, he tends to take over pretty quickly..infuriating...better communication and deeper understanding of our own thought processes (maybes a diary) might help you and i both....sigh ramble over

DeathbyDora Sat 08-Aug-09 06:23:36

My DH actually suggested introducing some "buzzy toys" shock and once I got over my embarrassment it was a revelation. And there was I thinking he was all straight-laced and a bit prudish....

Now, if I could just get him to piss off and make me a nice cup of tea while I have some fun with them that would be great...grin

nickelbabe Sat 08-Aug-09 12:14:01

FilmNoir.
i have the exact same problem.
was hoping it was just my previous man, but it's crept over into this one.

except i did explain to him that it might happen and he's very lovely about it.
i'm waiting for a solution.
and trying not to get worried about it.

(kat2907 that has got to be the worst suggestion ever! can't let go when he's doing it to you, so do it yourself while he's watching?? (sorry, i know you were trying to help, but the thought of it makes me freeze!)) blush

BitOfFun Sat 08-Aug-09 12:38:12

I think sex therapists/advice columnists advise the masturbation thing when somebody's partner is having trouble navigating IYSWIM, but this sounds different to me...more like a crippling self-consciousness which would not be helped by the pressure of putting on a mini-sex show, I agree, nickelbabe.

I think you have to look a little deeper for psychological explanations, OP, like what attitudes to sex were communicated to you while growing up etc. Were you brought up to see it as shameful or embarrassing?

I would recommend reading some feminist books on the importance of sexual fantasy, like Nancy Friday's ones. When you get used to allowing fantasy into your imagination you can lose yourself a bit more easily in an imagined scenario, and this can be enough to take you out of your self-consciousness so you can orgasm.

Also, increase the intimacy and closeness with your partner so you can feel more relaxed in front of them. I would recommend a boardgame like Monogamy, which has lots of fun chatty topics in and gets you talking and sharing. It gets progressively ruder, but the game doesn't suffer if you just skip the more outladish stuff if you are cringing! (tip: add wine for maximum results).

Hopefully these tips will help, they have made a difference to me over the issue smile

clairebearx Sat 08-Aug-09 16:34:51

I like the idea of the boardgame-monogamy..and as for using sex toys in the bedroom, i guess opinions are bound to be varied and depend on individual experiences and thoughts on sex. I personally can't climax easily through even masturbating, which is why i feel the necessity to 'get over'any embarrassment i have with 'putting on a mini sex show' for my partner..

I just feel that any amount of relaxation isn't going to help alone.

BitOfFun Sat 08-Aug-09 17:43:45

I will return to this after wine I think wink

ellagrace Sat 08-Aug-09 21:36:15

hmm ok - doesn't have to be a sex show or any 'watching' going on. for example if you (how specific are we meant to get here?) if for example your partner and you were having sex spooning with him behind you, you could then help yourself along without it being at all 'sex-show'-ish. it could just be a way of getting past some psychological hurdle and having come once it might feel easier after that. once it's become an obstacle of i'm never going to be able to, i can't, it's really hard, anything that helps to start breaking that down is worth a go. another thing is laying side by side and kissing and cuddling and he is stimulating himself and you yourself to whatever point you feel comfortable. i think assuming she meant sit on a chair and put on a show might have missing what she meant.

ellagrace Sun 09-Aug-09 08:09:52

guess it was a post and run - that or i killed the thread by being explicit

Celery Sun 09-Aug-09 08:37:05

Maybe she was put off by being accused of being a troll. I think she was asking a perfectly legitimate question, why would anyone think she was a troll?

OurLadyOfPerpetualSupper Sun 09-Aug-09 08:40:16

Where was the T word mentioned?

FilmNoir Tue 11-Aug-09 14:23:42

yes Im not a troll!

intersting advice here already.

we do talk about it,he is supportive but its like there is a block in my head -struggling to even put it into words really!

it is thought provoking to think what my parents were like-re sex, they were pretty prudish, but thats just their generation, I think?

Im relieved not to be the only one IYSWIM!

FilmNoir Tue 11-Aug-09 14:27:38

nickelbabe

| hear ya. smile

FilmNoir Tue 11-Aug-09 14:30:55

a board game, hmm? will research!

FlightHattendant Tue 11-Aug-09 14:50:53

I was like this and almost in despair of ever enjoying it in that way - not that I really minded, and actually now that I can, I don't care - but I wanted to be able to, just to get past the mental block iyswim.

I'm not sure exactly what happened that changed it, but once it happens once, it kind of sticks!

I couldn't at all with the bloke I really loved, but a subsequent boyfriend with whom there was a proper commitment (ie he wasn't fooling me around) made it easier for some reason. Maybe I felt more empowered, more free to give that part of me over to someone, when I didn't really care what they thought of me? I didn't feel nearly as strongly about him as I did about the other one, and suddenly it just happened.

Now I don't think it would stop happening, if I met someone I really loved and wanted to think well of me. But it took that bit of confidence, that bit of 'Oh well who cares if he thinks I look stupid, I don't like him that much anyway' I suppose - though I'd not have realised this at the time. It goes very deep doesn't it - maybe something stopping you that you're not even aware of.

Also going on top worked for me. It gets your muscles in the right position.

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