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should I get DH to arrange visits and contact with in laws?

(3 Posts)
nicetomeetyou Wed 05-Aug-09 12:48:08

we live on the continent and have done for the last year or so and with my husbands work this is likely to continue. my relationship with PIL's is not so good now - has been better in the past but for a number of reasons it is not very good now. this is not helped by having to stay in one another's houses for the week or so when they come here or we go to them. i telephoned MIL last night and we got round to talking about a few things (bank accounts and stuff i need to do if we come back to the UK at Xmas) and she said "so you're coming here then" now DH and i have talked about us going back at Xmas as we had last xmas here with DD and it was a bit lonely on our own. i thought DH had talked to PIL's about us going back but obviously had not. i have no family so the only place we do go back to is PIL's house and i felt quite unwelcome when she said that - but her manner if often like that.

my general question is - should i get involved in ensuring DC's see their grandparents and DH's family or should i just leave it to him. it is left to me to organise things such as travel and stuff but should i just stop getting involved and leave them all to it. i want the children to see them frequently and PIL's very much enjoy seeing the children but i feel like i am seen as organising/intefering and i just don't feel welcome - but should i put those feelings aside or should i leave huband to arrange our visits and time with his parents and family?

I was asked by MIL via my husband to send photos and cards to them and one of MIL's friends which I did. I also sent cards and photos of children to DH's sister and I got no email, tel call or even message through his mother to thank me. None of this will get done if left to husband so even though I feel they don't show any thanks should I continue to do for my children's sake an put my own feelings to one side?

allaboutme Wed 05-Aug-09 12:58:14

think of it the other way though - if your MIL phoned you and casually mentioned something 'when we are over there in December' ... wouldnt you say 'oh, so you are coming over then?' if it was the first you'd heard of it and you knew that they'd expect you to put them up?
It def seems a bit rude to expect to stay there but not actually tell them you are coming or properly ask if thats convenient etc to stay with them. I'm sure she didnt mean to make you feel unwelcome, she was most likely just a bit taken a back.
I know its an oversight as you thought your husband had already asked. But if you want things to run more smoothly and you want a good relationship with your IL's (and it sounds like you do from what you say and the fact that you called to chat to MIL) then it might be a good idea to take on the task of keeping them up to date with your plans and the arrangements to see them.

nicetomeetyou Wed 05-Aug-09 13:26:32

I only said IF we come over -and had assumed - wrongly that husband had talked to them.
I get the feeling that they want him to do more of the organising etc but he can't be bothered and hence things get left to me and I get the feeling that it is not welcome.

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