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Help me gain some perspective

(34 Posts)
normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 22:23:50

I need some help and can't see the wood for the trees at the moment.

My husband and I have been going through a tough patch. I am quite depressed at the moment, very teary and I don't know why, lack of motivation, explosive temper, very controlling about my environment etc. During these down times I have thoughts where I think I'd be better off not being here, and an urge to cut myself. These bad days are interspersed about equally with good days where I am okay, and manage to stay on top of how I feel. During the bad days I sometimes say really horrible things, like I don't want to be married, and want to live alone etc. On the good days when I am rational, I stress to my husband that I really, really don't mean those things and I love him and my family very much and would be devestated to lose them and never actually want to be on my own. I ask him to please not take any notice of me. To be fair to him he is so supportive and tries to do anything he can to help.

This year has been quite tough for us for reasons that wouldn't allow me to remain anonymous if I said them here.

Today was a bad day. I have been very down, and teary. My husband went out this afternoon and I went on his computer and discovered that he had set up a secret email address and subscribed to three seperate, expensive, adult dating sites. He has been honest on his profiles and said he is a 47 year old man with children, married, and looking for discreet fun.

I confronted him and basically he has said he was lonely, and bored and just did it for a bit of excitement. He said I have changed (I admit I have) and that he was an idiot but he is very sorry, he never met anyone IRL, and had no intentions of doing so.

I have made him leave. I always told him that if our marriage didn't have trust, we have nothing. I know I will never forgive him. He doesn't think he has done anything too bad, but to me it's as bad as having an affair. He says it's nothing more than harmless flirting and that it just became a bit of an obsession and he regrets it and loves me.

What do I do? I never, ever thought he would do something like this. Am I blowing it all out of proportion? I feel like it is my fault to be honest. I have been neglecting him, and have been mean at times, and not as affectinate as he would like.

normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 22:29:55

Sorry I know it's not important to everyone else.

But would you stay with him, knowing you could never forgive him, accepting it has been a tough year and try to move on, or would you seperate, trust has been broken etc?

ninah Tue 04-Aug-09 22:32:14

I would talk it over with him some more. It does sound as if things have been difficult for both of you, and at least he has been honest and is sorry. You are quite right to be upset, and you are not blowing it out of proportion but it sounds as if you have basically a strong relationship that is capable of being revived.

stings Tue 04-Aug-09 22:34:28

It has been a tough year for both of you. Not excusing your husband's behaviour but are you receiving some help for your state of mind - ads, counselling?

To me it sounds like you need to concentrate on yourself first. From someone who has suffered from depression and s/h, I know my dp found me very hard to live with and it made our relationship very rocky to say the least.

dizzydixies Tue 04-Aug-09 22:34:39

I think you need to get yourself better first before you can make any decisions about your marriage - it sounds like you are suffering terribly from depression - are you getting support/treatment/help with all the reasons that have made your year tough?

he has broken your trust which is bad enough but only you can decide if he was just trying to get some attention or would have taken if further and what it means to you

SixtyFootDoll Tue 04-Aug-09 22:35:27

Are you getting some help?
Sounds like you are depressed/ stressd?

It sounds like you have been pushing your OH away.
You really need to talk some more

dizzydixies Tue 04-Aug-09 22:36:08

and I agree completely with stings, it was only when I saw what my depression was doing to DH that I sought help and dealt with it

I am NOT saying that this is in anyway your fault but I'm worried you're not placing enough importance on your own health/well being

Spero Tue 04-Aug-09 22:36:39

You were asking him to forgive you for what you have said. Even if you don't mean it, that must have been very hard to hear.

so doesn't it cut both ways? Sounds as if you've got to at least give it a go to sort it out. If he is telling the truth, I don't think that is as bad as actually having sex with a real person. You could look at it that he was just seeking a refuge when things were getting bad with you.

Go to counselling. if after six months or whatever time you think is sensible, you don't feel you can move on from this or rebuild trust then you probably should separate as neither of you can continue to live in atmostphere of susipicion and resentment.

normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 22:42:37

Thank you everyone. I'm not getting any help for how I feel. I don't think I'd feel any worse if he had actually been having sex with someone.

He does deserve a second chance, I just feel like such a twat because I would have placed my life on him never doing anything like this. I am always saying how great he is, and praising him, and everyone we know thinks he is one in a million. It's huniliating knowing he has such little respect for my feelings.

Spero Tue 04-Aug-09 22:45:36

I don't want to sound harsh, but how much respect did he think YOU had for his feelings when you were telling him you wanted to live alone?

Whether you were in control of what you were saying or not, it would be a very upsetting thing to hear, i would have thought.

i think you've got to cut him some slack in the circs.

normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 22:51:46

Thanks Spero. I think I deserve harsh. He does deserve so much better than me. He is so lovely and perfect until I found out about this. I think what makes it worse is the timing of it all. I had a baby six weeks ago, and it's all happened since then.

stings Tue 04-Aug-09 22:55:05

Please see your gp for help. You can't go on feeling like this. It really sounds like you are suffering from PND.

Depression puts our emotions all over the place. Only once you get that sorted will you be able to see things rationally and make the right decision for yourself.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 04-Aug-09 22:58:50

Please please please go to your GP and get some help - you are ill.

As for your husband - tell him you are going to get help and then take things from there. I would be inclined to cut him some slack, it sounds like you've both had an awful time recently.

normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 23:03:44

I can't see my GP. I am embarrassed to admit how I am. I know I will get through it eventually, I don't want to become reliant on tablets to feel normal.

I will speak to my husband in a few days and take it from there. I didn't want him to go. I desperately wanted him to refuse to go, so why did I keep telling him that's what I wanted? Why do I say things I don't mean just to hurt him?

normalserviceresumes Tue 04-Aug-09 23:06:18

I do such stupid things too. I made him take my car, and refused to let him leave the keys for his. I made him leave his house keys here. I told him that I have posted on facebook what he has done so all his work colleagues will know (I haven't) and I told him to take the debit cards or I'd cut them up. That I don't want him or his money, and me and the children will cope fine. But we have no money now, and now I have no car either. Reading this I think I am mad.

stings Tue 04-Aug-09 23:11:02

If you had an infection, you would take antibiotics wouldn't you? Words from my own gp about ad's when I said I hated taking tablets.

They may recommend counselling instead.

I don't want to be nasty but depression is an illness you can't just wish away and hope you will get better. You said you felt like s/h and had suicidal thoughts. For the sake of your baby and husband you need to seek help.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 04-Aug-09 23:41:29

Please go and at least talk to your GP. I have had PND and am now coming out the other side. It has been very hard, even with the support of my Dr and my DH.
It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do admitting that I had a problem but I am so glad that I did it. I did decided to take anti-depressants, and they have worked fantasically. I know that I won't be on them forever. Depression is an illness and it can be cured.

Please please go and get some help - for the sake of your baby if not for yourself and your husband.

Lemonylemon Wed 05-Aug-09 11:34:25

"I can't see my GP. I am embarrassed to admit how I am. I know I will get through it eventually, I don't want to become reliant on tablets to feel normal."

Well, then don't see your GP straight away, speak to your health visitor. She will be able to help you to take the first step. You are not well and need help. If you don't accept that help, then things are going to get a whole lot worse. I agree with the other posters that it sounds as if you have PND. This is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. It is not a mental health issue, as such, but a physical chemical-balance related issue. Please, please, please speak to someone about it. You won't get through it eventually on your own without help - but you may well throw your marriage away. I'm normally one to take a strong stance about what your husband has done, but in this instance, I really, really feel that it's a cry for help, rather than something more serious.

Again, I say - please, please, please go to your GP and get some help.... As others have said, if you had an infection, you'd get antibiotics. PND needs attention and medication too in some instances.

normalserviceresumes Thu 06-Aug-09 07:05:51

I'm going to try and make an appointment with the gp today.

I can't stop crying, I can't sleep, my whole life is a mess.

I wish I'd never had the baby. The hard pregnancy was the start of all this. I was chronically anaemic and couldn't do anything for months, then baby was born 13 weeks early, traumatic birth, I was readmitted to hospital at 2 weeks for a week. Everyone thought DH was fab, which he was. He did everything for us, was a great dad as well as working long hours for our lovely home, cars holidays etc.

DH came home at 1am Tuesday night, saying he was worried about me. He slept on the sofa that night and left yesterday morning at 6.30.

Yesterday evening he came home, had a bath etc but I can't even look at him. In my head I want to tell him I forgive him, and I am sorry for everything but no words come out. If I look at him I cry. He went to sleep in my sons bed and I was looking at him and I just wanted to climb in next to him and hug him but I just can't. I physically can't touch him now.

He left just now to go to work. I was crying, and just wanted to tell him not go, and that I needed a hug. Instead, when he tried to cuddle me I just froze and did nothing. He asked if he could come back tonight and I said its too hard, which it is, but I want him here more than anything.

He is so sorry, but I can never trust him again. I will wonder what he is doing on his computer when he is in his office alone, I will think about it when he is working late, I will doubt what he is doing whenever he isn't with me. I always told him this would happen if he broke my trust, I just know I will never get past it. The one thing I had that I could rely on was a great husband. If we seperate everyone will think its my fault and something I have done as no-one would believe he'd do anything to hurt me.

He makes me feel guilty. He says he can't live without me and the children and its the biggest mistake of his life. I want to get back to normal, I want to forget it all, but how? I don't expect anyone has any answers, it's my problem.

To top it all off I think I am bordering on a codeine addiction. I am taking 6 30/500 co-codamol at a time just to make me feel a bit softer round the edges.

Overmydeadbody Thu 06-Aug-09 07:16:46

There are two seperate issues here that you need to deal with.

The first is your depression, please please please go to your gp and get the ball rolling to get better, life will be much more managable for you without depression.

The second issue is your DH's breach of your trust and whether or not this will be a deal breaker for you. I think you will only be able to deal with this after you have got the ball rolling with getting help for your depression.

Good luck, you can get help with your depression, please do.

Ineedmorechocolatenow Thu 06-Aug-09 07:16:47

PLEASE see your GP. I watched depression almost destroy my best friend.

You've had a horrendous time with the difficult pregnancy, premature traumatic birth. No one is going to think any less of you if you ask for help from the GP. I'd think the opposite if you were my friend. What strength and courage it can take to admit there is something wrong and you need help.

As for the codeine - you need to tell the GP about this too.

Your DH has done something very silly, and I can appreciate that the trust has gone. However, I can see that he probably needed an escape from the situation he was in. I'm not defending what he's done, just trying to see a reason. I think you need some counselling, both on your own and, eventually, together.

I agree with other posters that you need to get yourself well and on an even keel before you can sort out your relationship..

Good luck x

Overmydeadbody Thu 06-Aug-09 07:18:16

Just read the bit about your codeine addiction.

Sweetheart please go to yuor GP today. Please.

weegiemum Thu 06-Aug-09 07:26:07

Well done for deciding to go to the GP.

Can you print this out to show to GP to explain what is going on, if you think 'saying' it will be too hard.

I suffered from serious PND after each baby (I have 3 dc) and was actually in hospital for a time, so I know how hard it can be. But for the sake of your baby, your dh and especially yourself you have to get help now.

Also - please tell your GP about the co-codamol. You are at a huge risk of damaging your liver if you keep taking it in these quantities - how often do you take this dose? This amount of coedine is bad, yes, but you are also taking 3x the recommended amount of paracetomal every time you take that dose! You need to let the GP know, there are lots of ways they can help you with this.

Take care. Please phone the GP today and make an emergency appointment.

LoveBeingAMummy Thu 06-Aug-09 07:32:20

You will not feel better until you do something positive about all of this.

If you do nothing you will feel worse.

PLease, please call and see your GP today. Write down how you are feeling, you know the little voice inside that you are letting out on here, and take it with you.

The situation with your husband can be sorted out once you are clearer in your own mind.

mumblechum Thu 06-Aug-09 07:43:31

Adding my voice to all the others.

Your dh almost certainly wasn't going to commit adultery. He was, it sounds to me, worried, lonely, stressed and looking for a little light relief.

It isn't your fault your depressed and I'm glad that you're seeing your GP today, but equally what your dh did is forgivable in the circumstances.

Poor you, your baby's still 7 weeks short of full gestation. Is your baby home with you now or still in hospital?

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