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PIL vent!

(7 Posts)
gagamama Tue 04-Aug-09 17:00:23

Sorry, I just have to get this off my chest. About 2 years ago, MIL (in her 40s, had DP very young, long abusive relationship, met new man 25 years her senior, both very happy, things great) gave up work, rented out her home and decided to go travelling the world in a camper van on her new DP's divorce money. My DP absolutely worships the ground his mother walks on, despite the fact that (IMO) she seems to have been a pretty shoddy mum, has messed DP around most of his life and has never really made him feel very secure or loved. That said, she's a lovely, warm and generous woman and we do get on well.

As soon as she made plans to do this, DP has dreamed constantly of 'retiring early' (DP calls his parents retired, I just say they're unemployed by choice) and travelling the world in a van. It's something I would like to maybe try one day for a short while, but it's not my 'dream' and I certainly don't dedicate my life to thinking it. Anyway, I digress slightly.

A few months ago, PILs stopped travelling when MIL's dad fell ill, came back to the UK and have been living in a storage garage they're renting for about £30 a week. They've made quite cosy living quarters upstairs, but it is still very much a garage - the 'kitchen' is a camping stove on a workbench littered with tools and motorbike spares. DP thinks this is the most glorious thing in the world, and instead of aspiring to be a world traveller, he now aspires to 'live in a field' (in a yurt, to be precise), which, again, I wouldn't object to for a little while one day, but it isn't my life's purpose.

Anyway, predictably, they have now run out of money. The rent money from MILs bungalow only just covers the mortgage, so it's not a source of income for them. The money they started with has been blown on alcohol, weed and whatever else they fill their days with in their glorified storage facility. DP now wants US to give them money, as though this situation was somehow unforseeable and they are the innocent victims in need of help. They won't accept money outright, so DP is trying to come to an arrangement where they can perform a 'service' for us and we will then pay them for this.

I feel like banging my head against a brick wall. If you don't work, you don't earn money, that's how it is for everyone. Even if you don't believe in money or having material ties, you DO need to acquire shelter and sustenance, and that nearly always comes at a financial cost. DP sees his family as bohemian, I just see them as naive and lazy. From the age of about 13, they haven't supported DP financially for anything at all. They wanted a fresh start without the struggles of the past several years, but now they're struggling in other ways, and it infuriates me that DP thinks we 'owe' it to them to help them out.

I don't think I really want or need advice, I just had to get that down. We do have a little bit of money tucked away and luckily I know they'll be able to make any small donation go a long way. I know they will repay us as soon as they can. They're not scroungers. I just can't believe that we're having to pick up the pieces when I said from the start that this was the inevitable consequence of what they were doing. I'm just hoping that DP can finally see the reality of his 'dream' and see they're not living in paradise, they're living in denial. I'm having to bite my lip SO HARD to not say something bitchy to him about it, hence the reason for my post!

Hassled Tue 04-Aug-09 17:05:50

Blimey. I'm not surprised you felt the need to unload.

I'm in my 40s - the thought of ever taking money from my DCs, or needing to as a result of my "lifestyle" makes me deeply uncomfortable, but I suppose the way it'll be set up so that they're doing you a service makes it sound a bit better.

Just make damn sure it's a service you actually want/need - now's the chance to get that new patio down/landscape the garden/repaint the windows/whatever .

gagamama Tue 04-Aug-09 17:18:42

Yeah, I'm not sure they'll even actually go for it to be honest. And even if they do, I don't see what us employing them as opposed to <gasp> getting jobs or starting a small business actually affords them, other than the priviledge to delude themselves that they are still 'self-sufficient'.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Tue 04-Aug-09 17:22:12

I would not be able to bite my lip, they are not bohemian, they are lazy, if they wont work and want hand out they are scroungers, I think you need to get as much of your and DPs money in an account he can not access as he will end up giving them every penny.

I think his mother needs to grow up TBH

wheniwishuponastar Tue 04-Aug-09 17:31:23

oh my god, that sounds awful/irritating/maddening!! you have my sympathies. how infuriating.
does anyone in your RL agree with you?

gagamama Tue 04-Aug-09 17:34:47

They don't actually want hand-outs though, DP is just so blinkered by them and their way of thinking that he feels they deserve it, and it trying to divert funds their way whether they like it or not. I don't think syphoning off money into another account is really going to help either.

Chances are I think they'll just give it straight back.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Tue 04-Aug-09 17:39:02

Hopefully seeing his mother living like this will put your DP off of living like this

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