Hi Everyone.
I wanted to share some thoughts I had after reading many threads where the OP is looking for help with a situation which could be classed as domestic abuse.
The only experience I have is being a survivor so these are just my thoughts based on this experience and what would have been helpful for me to hear. They are in no particular order.
When a woman posts on here about a domestic abuse situation, she is doing so because she feels safe here. The most important thing that you can do when giving her advice is to make sure that she continues to feel safe and supported.
She is most likely confused and scared and might have trouble realising or admitting that the situation could be very real and serious. She also may be experiencing, or have experienced, emotional abuse which could lead her to feel very low about herself.
Tell her that it is not her fault.
Tell her that the most important thing is that she (and the children) are safe and feel safe.
Advise her to always call the police whenever she feels frightened by her partners behaviour.
Encourage her and support her to seek professional help. Womens aid, Refuge, Citizens Advice, whatever is most appropriate to her situation. Help her hide her tracks by explaining how to delete her history/cookies, using a pay phone etc. You might want to offer to look into professional advice on her behalf if she feels to scared to do it herself. (If you are giving advice it is worth having a look at the websites for the above organisations so you can be really informed which will enable you to better help her.)
Encourage her to realise that it is abuse. The Womens Aid and Refuge have definitions of the different types of abuse on their websites, physical, emotional, sexual and financial. If you can post an official definition that applies to her then she might begin to to realise that what is happening to her is not normal and that it is not her fault.
If she is scared of her partner for any reason then she is probably being abused.
Do not judge her. Even if you have been in a similar situation, her experience is unique to her so what you did may not be right for her. Don't be offended or frustrated if she doesn't take your advice.
Don't try to tell her what to do. She most probably has a partner who does this and will be very sensitive to 'instructional' advice.
Try not to do anything to cause her to doubt her ability as a mother. While you may rightly be concerned for the welfare of her children in the situation you need to express this in a way which she won't perceive as a judgment on her parenting or herself. Her partner may constantly tell her she is a bad mother. Express concern in a sensitive way.
Encourage her to find someone to talk to in real life. Perhaps someone that is not in her immediate circle as she will be worried about being judged or her partner being judged. Her GP is also a good one to tell if she really doesn't want to tell family or friends.
Encourage her to look after herself. Going for a walk, having a bath etc will give her some space to come to terms with her feelings and confusion. Remind her to eat and to try to sleep.
Advice such as "leave now" while probably being sensible might not be helpful to her. She might not feel able to leave and if you express frustration or judgment about this then she might not want to post again because she is not being supported in the one place she has felt safe enough to talk about it. Instead try to be sensitive and sympathetic. Saying "I'm worried for you. This situation sounds serious and you might not be safe. Have you thought about leaving?" is much less confrontational and may encourage her to discuss reasons why she doesn't feel like she can leave.
Comments like "well if my DH ever did anything like that he would be out the door" might make her feel like a failure because she is too scared or unable for whatever reason to do the same.
Remember that she is asking for help.
As I said before, these are just things that might have been helpful for me to hear. They are no substitute for professional advice but I hope they might be of some help.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Giving Advice About Domestic Violence
womenfirst · 04/08/2009 15:55
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