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How do you cope with the sadness?

(6 Posts)
hadachangeofname Tue 04-Aug-09 15:01:29

Having been in abusive marriage for 11 years and now realised why I have struggled emotionally for so long, I am suddenly very sad even though I know I will do much better on my own. I don't get any satisfaction from knowing this or that things are progressing. It has just used up such a lot of time.

tiredoftherain Tue 04-Aug-09 15:07:15

Snap. Discovering my H's cheating has exposed a web of emotional abuse and lies. I think the sadness is part of a kind of grief cycle we need to work through to come to terms with it all. I've only very recently realised what's been going on, and every day brings a new emotion, sometimes several in a matter of minutes. I swing from being so angry that I've put up with it, to being so incredibly sad about where we've ended up. He also swings from being a lovely, supportive man, to being totally vile so I constantly feel wrong footed and doubt myself.

Can you have some counselling? It's helping me slowly. I think you just have to keep moving forward, I don't want this to make me bitter or to distrust people in future, but it's hard to keep that in mind when you feel so awful.

hadachangeofname Tue 04-Aug-09 15:46:40

Yes, it really saps your strength. Also I know my parents are going to disapprove because they are "marriage for life even if it means being miserable or ending up on permanent head medication" kind of people.

tiredoftherain Wed 05-Aug-09 11:57:42

Mine too! Nobody in my family has ever got divorced and I'm totally dreading telling them anything.

secretskillrelationships Wed 05-Aug-09 12:38:56

I went through periods of profound grief to the point of being barely able to function before I was finally able to make the decision to split from my H.

It's all very recent (he left only a few days ago) but I feel so much better than I thought I would. I thought I would feel devastated. This is someone I've spent 2 decades with and have children with. I was letting him go in the hope that when he'd realised what he was losing he'd be back.

I cannot believe how much better I feel since he left. My energy levels are up, the house is clean and tidy and I'm calm and supportive with the children (who, obviously, are struggling and being challenging in their own unique ways). I did wonder, before he went, how I would feel but also thought that I might actually have done most of my grieving for the relationship whilst still in it.

I'm tired and emotionally drained but life feels good, full of possibility and like an adventure (and a few months ago I felt as if it was all over as I'm soooo old). Now my biggest fear is that he'll realise what he's lost and want me back grin

chickybabe Wed 05-Aug-09 13:09:54

Secrets....that exactly how i feel!!! Although my emotions swing around a bit - i too am much happier (its 2 weeks for me)

I'm very worried my H will change his mind too as that will present a whole host of new problems. I find it very hard when he goes after a visit with the dc's and my ds begs for him to come home, and then I do have my weak moments - but I've found if I remember in vivd detail a certain incident that occured a few months ago - I get my strength back.

Looking into counselling to find out why the hell it took him to leave me before I realised how good this can be!!

Keep strong x

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