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Separating after losing respect for partner

(10 Posts)
DutchGirly Tue 04-Aug-09 13:32:05

I need some advice how to separate from my daughter's father with the best outcome for our child.

Whenour daughter was born his family behaved extremely badly. I will give a few examples

Upoin arrival home after spending 5 days in hospital I found the house in a terrible state left by his sister.

- house muddy with handprints on walls
- muddy floors
- filthy bathroom with over 10 towels dirty and wet dumped on floor. No dry towel in the house.
- pubes and other hair left in very dirty bath with stains all over bath
- filthy toilet with poo stains
- kitchen mess with dirty dishes all over the kitchen surface whilst the dishwasher was unused
- food in fridge all eaten

Myself and my partner had to clean for over two hours, whilst all I wanted to do upon returning home was cup of tea, decent food, sleep and enjoying our baby daughter.

His parents arrived and organised a party without our knowledge or consent. I knew about this party at our house 1 hour before guests arrived and told partner explicedly that I did not want this and to send people away which he did not do. After 6 hours of hiding upstairs, I threw everybody out myself.

Mother in law shrunk my vintage cashmere in wash despite being told over 5 times not to touch them. TV was on for over 10 hours a day with volume at 30 so I could not get rest. Pleads to please turn it down at acceptable level were ignored.

I spent my birthday alone with my newborn daughter in the park wandering around aimlessly as I could not stand being at home with these people.

Parents stayed over 7 weeks although I did force them to move out of our house in 5 weeks as I simply could not cope anymore.

I got severe Post Natal Depresion as result of all the stress.

Partner just told me to get 'over it'. After Relate counselling he finally admitted that this was wrong but they did things that they shouldnt have , but they know this and are very upset about it.

He has problems setting boundaries although he does manage to be nasty to me. I have lost all respect for him and I want to separate.

He does not understand how disgusting their behaviour was, maybe he needs to hear it from other people.

He refuses to move out, saying he can't afford to buy anything, refuses to apply for social housing and that I simply cannot do this to him and our daughter.

I want to start over again, maybe even have another child but not with him as I don;t want any further involvement with his family.

Any advice greatly appreciated how to go about this

poshwellies Tue 04-Aug-09 13:44:14

He has problems setting boundaries although he does manage to be nasty to me. I have lost all respect for him and I want to separate.
I want to start over again, maybe even have another child but not with him as I don;t want any further involvement with his family.

I think you sound depressed and confused-are you having therapy on your own?

hunniesugarplum Tue 04-Aug-09 13:44:44

Is moving away an option if they are local? how is relate going? TBH and this will sound blunt, i couldnt be sure i could regain respect after loosing it like that, it was a very unfair strain to put on you.

his refusal to leave is not fair also, you should have space if you need it.

has he never said anything to his family? would he be with you on not seeing his family?

DutchGirly Tue 04-Aug-09 13:51:24

I am actually not depressed anymore.

I just have this anger in me how he let me down in the most horrible way by not protecting me against his family.

This has had a huge impact on me physically, mentally and financially.

My friends were absolutely horrified by their behaviour, my friend actually offered to take me and the baby and to stay at his place for a day or so to get some proper rest.

I have had counselling on my own and together, the counsellor's jaw actually dropped to the floor on hearing of some of these stories and asked what kind of people are they

The last drop was when I came across his facebook where his nasty ex-girlfriend was critising my personality, hair, manners, body and remarked how similar I looked to his sister who is overweight and 20 years older than I am. After all this, he does not tell her that this is out of order, he tells her how much fitter she is.

DutchGirly Tue 04-Aug-09 13:56:05

The family are not local, they live abroad quite far away.

I have refused to visit them ever since, I would much rather go on holiday.

OH has since emotionally blackmailed me by stating I am denying our daughter her family blah blah. He has since apologised for this but he does not understand that you just cannot unsay certain things or undo things.

When damage is done, the damage is done.

hunniesugarplum Tue 04-Aug-09 13:59:33

Well your last line is quite poingant "when the damage is done, the damage is done". Do you think you can move past this with this man? do you want to? I would not want to if io am honest. His family sound toxic, so by excluding them you are protecting your daughter, not doing her any harm!

Do you think you would be happier without him? Please do not feel that because you have a baby you are trapped by him. he has some rights to see his daughter, but he doesnt have anyrights to make demands of you, especially when he has acted so so badly!

hunniesugarplum Tue 04-Aug-09 14:01:24

Sorry re-read you OP and you say you want to separate. I would therefore look for accomodation for yourself and your daughter as he will not leave. I think you should be able to get help easily as this sounds like a very stormy relationship, his family have been quite abusive. Try and keep civil with him, do not converse to much, let him see his daughter reasonably but dont let him use this as a way to confuse you, or a control you.

i really wish you well

DutchGirly Tue 04-Aug-09 14:09:09

The house is mine, the car is mine, all furniture is mine I bought it all a long time ago so he would have to move out. Legally he is not entitled to anything.

He has access to funds and he has several multi millionaires in his family so I have suggested that he asks for help.

He is a great dad, I can't fault him for that, our little girl adores him.

I think I would be happier without him, just not sure how I would manage financially.

cocobongo Tue 04-Aug-09 14:34:52

Speak to a solicitor to ensure your rights are what you think they are.

Set him a deadline to leave.

After this deadline has passed, change locks etc.

DutchGirly Wed 05-Aug-09 13:44:12

I have just tried to show him this message, apparently it is unnecessary and sad I post online. He is in complete denial what his family are really like, he really got angry when I mentioned the words toxic and abusive.

He says they never intended to hurt me like that and that I should just get over it.

Apparently he is trying to find accommodation and he cannot ask his family for help.

I feel I have no other choice but to change the locks after the deadline, he has had 2 months and he has not viewed even 1 property as of yet.

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