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(3 Posts)
NameChangedForAMinute Tue 04-Aug-09 10:34:53

Ok, don't normally talk about this sort of thing to anyone hence the name change but don't know what to do and no one in RL I want to know this much of my business!!

My DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2, we have two DC one is 2.10 the other 7mo. We are usually happy, nice life together but we have an ongoing issue with the amount of sex we have. If it was up to DH we would usually have it at least every other day but he gets that I don't feel the same way and usually doesn't make too much of an issue about it. I would be happy with once a week, I think about it quite a lot but by the time the kids are asleep and everything is done I just have lost all motivation, saying that I do try and make the effort at least 2-3 times a week! However its never as good as when its been a whole week and I actually feel like I really want it.

I know most of this stuff is what a lot of people in relationships got through with small children etc, however my biggest problem is that I often, in fact a lot of the time, just feel like I dont fancy my DH in that way. Dont get me wrong I love him to bits, we had a bit of a rough patch a couple of years ago but after 24hrs apart I realised how much I wanted to be with him and that hasn't changed. Its just he's quite negative and does some generally knobbish things which I really struggle to put to one side when we go to bed. I'm sure I annoy him at times too but he can definately just put all that aside and it doesn't come into it.

When we do get into a discussion about our sexlife, he says he thinks its just I cant be bothered and its him that always makes the effort and I always come up with some excuse but my really big reason is I just don't feel like I want sex with him that often. It sounds awful which is why I've never said it to is face, I know he would think I dont love him but I do. I just wish I fancied him more. What do I do?

DollyPS Sat 08-Aug-09 13:42:28

Hold on a mo you have 2 kids under 2 for fuck sake your bound to be knackered with it all. Give yourself time to get over the giving birth bit x2 so quickly sweetie.

Is he a talking man even if he is a knobbish git. You need to talk hen and I mean talk about sex even write it down and let it out. You enjoy the act but want less he enjoys the act wants more couples are like this.

I'd be laying of sex full stop for a month and both agree to this to see if you are both rampant for it at the end of it. Or try none penatrated (sp) sex as that usually works for us ladies. What of cuddles and kisses hen as they do play a part as well and they can be enjoyed too with out the sex.

You are sleep deprived as well with the 7 month old bubs too so that cant be good is the bubs in your room as that could be putting you off as well. I know it would me.

Oh and the housework you know what it'll still be there the mora so dont knock yourself out with it and do what NEEDS doing not all of it.

missingtheaction Sat 08-Aug-09 14:14:24

You are not alone. IME blokes want more sex than women. It makes biological sense - the best strategy for a male to make sure he has lots of offspring is to have lots of sex. for women the best strategy is to have a few children, which means occasional sex - a few times every coupld of years is probably enough.

Sadly there is a lot of complicated stuff behind this that makes it worse. Blokes DO seem more likely to associate sex with love - if she loves me she would want sex with me, I love her so I want sex with her etc. They (and we) are also surrounded by images that indicate that women are actually gagging for it most of the time, so a woman not wanting it is odd. And it's a rare bloke who really understands how bloody knackering it is being a mum.

Look at this another way. His demands for sex are unreasonable and he is causing the problem by nagging and whining for it. Do a bit of roleplay - nag him for something he doesn't want to do; get whingy and stroppy when he doesn't do it; sulk a bit. Is he now more likely to do it, or less? That's what it's like for you with sex: like having a toddler tugging your skirt 'mummy mummy mummy mummy I want a porsche i want a icecream i want a giraffe mummy mummy mummy'

He's not stupid - he must realise his strategy isn't working. Tell him what would work for you and set reasonable expectations. If he is under the impression that a tweak to your nipple and a rummage in your ladygarden after a hard day in toddlerland is going to have you gasping for passion it's only fair you let him know the truth.

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