It's me again, with a moany rant about my bonkers SIL, I just need to get it down so I don't explode about it in RL(21 Posts)
It sounds like she really grates on you
Some of it sounds normal though, we've nit taking tge dcs to parties before despite them being invited because it's more fun for us not to look after them all night, the mil having the toddler one day a week sounds fine too [are you a teeny bit jealous ]. And mine sleep well but i still hate being woken at sux thirty everyday!
I agree with you Reality , she does sound annoying and would get on my wick too .
To spend an hour and a half telling a pregnant woman how grim everything will be is a loon in my book .
But I could be biased because I have wanted to poke my SIL's eyes out with sharp pointy sticks at times .
I now nod and smile and wander off muttering when I meet them .
she sounds awful, but also deeply unhappy/ post natally depressed / lonely in her big house.
well i too have 'refused' to take dd to a family wedding where she had yet to meet most of the guests. dh and i don't see much of each other as we work back to back, so a night together is a rarity. we wanted to have fun without dd there, without one of us having to leave early to put her to bed in the hotel room, then sitting there in dark silence while she slept, or worse trying to get her to sleep in the wedding venue, or waiting for her to melt down and flake out at some point past midnight etc etc etc. i know a lot of family, especially my dad had wanted her there to show her off.
if those people wanted to see her they could have come round to see us.
I think the not taking the baby along is fine but when someone annoys you then everything they do after a while , however banal , just is annoying .
I have even had big grown up conversations with mine about what they did to upset me but nothing changed so now I just mutter .
Reality - I have a SIL like this too. Last time I saw her she had a lengthy conversation with me about how it would be ridiculous to get pregnant and have another child due to the risk of catching swine flu as it could kill either the mother or baby. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. I only hold my tongue for the sake of my DH and BIL.
The only thing that works for us is to limit tthe amount of time we spend with them which is sad really because DH and BIL only really have eachother since their Mum died. We also try meeting up somewhere for the day eg Alton Towers so things don't get quite so intense.
"I find it alien to not like somebody, it makes me not like myself."
Oh I don't like loads of people. I don't think disliking someone makes you a bad person, even perfectly inoffensive people, it just means you don't fit together well. And your SIL doesn't quite seem to fit into the category of 'perfectly inoffensive'.
It is quite impressive, this ability to find the absolutely most inappropriate person to unleash her moaning at.
Didnt you post something similar a while back about her and then ended up meeting her for a coffee without children and she admitted how unhappy and struggling she was?
She sounds really unhappy to me and a bit socially inept. Can imagine her thinking 'oh pregnant lady, ideal topic of conversation - new babies and how they are hard work - that'll be something we have in common' iyswim
Just because she has more help than most people and is fairly well off in your eyes, doesnt mean she cant be unhappy and struggling.
Sounds like a perspective issue to me.
I can't see anything at all wrong with her decision not to bring her kid to a party (MN mantra, her kids, her rules etc). Nor do I think it has anything to do with you who gets up in the night in her house, and wonder how do you know she is lying about your BIL and how much work he does?
One person's 'moaning and whinging' is another persons 'great chat' or 'enjoyable rant' etc. I moan a lot to people and they go 'oh my god yeah, I know' etc and then moan about their own stuff. You say she has a great house, loads of support etc but if she were to say 'it's so great being me in my fab house' etc then maybe you wouldn't like that either.
It sounds as if you just don't like her. Unless you are forced to spent lots of time in her company against your will then I don't see this as a big problem at all. I've got some family members I like less that others but I just give them a bit of a bodyswerve when I can.
It's ok to just not like her very much - it's normal to like some people more than others.
I would be constantly responding with phrases that look kind of sympathetic like "Oh dear, have you considered getting professional help". "Oh you're really not coping very well are you maybe a counsellor would help". "Oh well maybe you should look into getting a nanny because you don't seem comfortable being a parent" All with head cocked to one side in faux-sympathy
You need to be a grown up and not stand for her moaning to you - you need to next time she is moaning say 'Aw, haven't you anything positive to say because all you seem to do is moan and it is a bit wearing.' Then you ignore what she says next and smile and say 'Well let's resume our conversation when you do have something positive to say.' And then you walk away from her.
As for her DH, he needs to grown a backbone and stick up for himself because their marraige is not your business and if he is not happy with it he is the only one that can change it. When she rants to you about him, smile and say 'Oh, I know him, he really isn't like that, I have seen how much he does for you.' Then you turn and you walk away.
Very recently I have learnt that when someone moans and lies about something it is actually in my best interest to say something and sometimes upset the status quo or I am like you and just spend ages with it buzzing around my head and it drives me mad.
It is liberating and cathartic.
To be fair, my ex SIL was very similar, especially with the entitlement stuff and slagging off my brother. We used to joke that if she won the lottery then she'd huff and puff and roll her eyes about being expected to go and fetch the cheque.
But at the end of the day it's up to your brother to sort out his own relationship, and getting involved in any way can only lead to tears.
If you want to be supportive then the occasional eye roll of sympathy is ok, but unless you suspect abuse then you have to just accept that others make their own choices and it isn't for you to try to intervene.
Nowt stopping you bitching like mad to your own sister etc, they've probably noticed her character traits too.
I do think you need a bit of perspective tbh.
My SIL got married when my ds was ten months old, and tbh I couldn't think of anything worse than taking him to the wedding, not being able to enjoy myself as I would have to spend the entire time keeping him occupied. But I was told by FIL that "It's not up to you, there will be people there who are expecting him to be there." that made me really as he was my baby and it was my decision whether to take him not theirs. As it happens he was ill on the day and we didn't take him anyway. I do wonder to this day whether ILs believed us that he was ill.
As for the way she treats your BIL, well tbh no-one knows what goes on in other people's marriages, so if your BIL really is unhappy, then he needs to grow a pair and get out. But if he won't stand up to her then it's not up to anyone else to do so.
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