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Advice on DH cheating, I'm pregnant, and confused about my marriage.

(69 Posts)
Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 05:41:31

I'm going to try to tell you everything at once, so sorry if long.

Family background: I am 24, DH is 26. We have been together over 6 years, married for 1.7 years. We have 2dc together, and each have a child with someone else. So living with us is my ds1 (7), ds2 (4) and dd, 15 months. I am 20 weeks pg and due on Xmas day this year. We are comfortably off, and I'm a SAHM who is taking time off from my degree to have my last babies.

Yesterday, i discovered through a phone bill (which i have full access to as i manage our finances)that DH has been having an affair with a 19 year old girl who lives locally. We shall call her C. DH has known C for a while, he is friends with her brother. I am aware that she has flattered him before. DH is an attractive man - 6'3, very dark and toned from thai boxing (he fights, is ranked in UK and trains nearly daily).

The texts were fairly incrimanting themselves, after i found his phone. He had said he couldnt wait to see her again, did she have the house to herself (C lives with her parents), etc.

I told him he could tell me the truth, and have a possibility of marriage counselling etc, or lie and go now. He said he had met her in town in March after a thai boxing show, and had got her number. He then went to Thailand for 3 weeks to train (me home with kids)and met her on his return. He has been lying that he has been out with mates, fishing, training etc to pick her up in our car or van, and he has admitted to snogging her, the last time he met her was 4 weeks ago; i was 16 weeks. He says no sex or sexual contact, no oral sex.

DH met a woman in october 08 after a boxing show, very sexual texts to her, but i have since moved on from this. He was issued an ultimatam then that if he did anything again he would be single.

Things have been hard here; i had a mc in Feb and got pg again instantly, but that brought me alot of worry. i have been exhausted and sick this preganacy and have only for the last 4 weeks felt normal. We have always had an active sex life and this has been been consistent throughout. I feel i look after myself, i'm slim and make an effort daily with clothing, make up and things. I am very free rein with DH, he has a few hobbies, access to money for these and goes on a lot of outings with friends.

Anyway, i have told him to leave, he is not sleeping here, and we are discussing further on Saturday evening. I am very easily swayed by him you see, and i needed space to think clearly.

I take my marriage vows very seriously and have never cheated, i rarely speak to men actually. I am confused as to the better or worse part of my vows; i dont know if im expected to work through this becuase my vows have said for worse too, but they also said forsaking all others and he ignored that. I wonder how i will ever trust him again, if our lives will ever be normal again.

I am very cross and upset and tbh, just very shocked. I'm not too sure what to do, and tbh feel a bit 'young' and not world worthy enough iyswim to know whats right or wrong, we are talking about a marriage. I hope this has all made a bit of sense.

ben5 Tue 04-Aug-09 05:52:55

you sound a very strong person. don't know any advice sorry. have you tried going to ' relate'?

AbricotsSecs Tue 04-Aug-09 06:01:30

Message withdrawn

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 06:17:07

he has volunteered to pay for couselling if needs be, both together and for himself upon any return to family home. he has also said he will get a full sexual health screening as i don't believe he has not slept with her.

anniemac Tue 04-Aug-09 06:26:19

Message withdrawn

RealityIsHavingAPartay Tue 04-Aug-09 07:35:16

Message withdrawn

HappyWoman Tue 04-Aug-09 07:51:25

you really do need to stick to your boundaries - he has had plenty of time to tell you of this 'flattery' but no instead he feels it is not important enough to tell youhmm. He is showing you no respect at all and since you have already told him what would happen if he did anything like this again you need to stay strong for a bit yet!

Its no good him just saying what you want to hear he needs to back it up with real actions.

It sounds as if this man has a problem (he may be a weak individual - but then he needs to see the danger and then make sure he avoids situations that will 'tempt' him) - if that is what he really truly wants.

You cant live your life wondering if he will do this again - he needs to show he has changed now.

I would also suggest seeing a good solicitor to assure you that you will be ok if you do divorce (i found it so empowering to know i would be able to survive - and it makes the reasons for staying or not easier).

Good luck - and make sure you look after yourself lots now.

Overmydeadbody Tue 04-Aug-09 08:04:24

if you gave him an ultimatum last time that if he did it again that would be it then you need to stick to that.

If you stay with him he will most probably do this sort of thing again and again and you will end up not trusting him and living in fear and worry that he's with a girl every time he goes out.

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:10:57

Thankyou

Happy - i already have a good solicitor who our family trusts, so i will arrsange an appointment. I am scared of living off alot less money and coping with that.

OMDB - this is what my friends are saying, that he will keep doing it, wether its stexts or snogs or sex, he will continue.

I don't know why i'm not good enough, why our children and me are not enough. I'm terrified totally of having a newborn on my own. sadI feel so stupid

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:13:05

I don't want to be divorced or 'failed' at marriage - i didnt do anything wrong did i? So why will i get the hard things, alone? Either way, its me who has to hurt and do the hard bits, not him. Entirely unfair it seems.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 04-Aug-09 08:15:15

It's heartbreaking ending things with the man you love, the father of your children and your husband. In your place I would be resisting it with every pore and desperate to believe he could change and stop cheating. But he won't. He did it once - got caught - ok that can be forgiven. But again that you know of and you are right, of course they had sex. Who just 'snogs' for weeks?

It's heartbreaking reading what you say about how you take care of yourself I'm sure you are gorgeous, you sound like a wonderful wife, but it doesn't matter a cheater doesn't cheat because his wife is pg, or fat, or grumpy, he cheats because he fundamentally doesn't respect her or his marriage vows and would rather chase casual sex than commit to his wife.

You are old enough and mature enough to trust your feelings on this. You got married for life, I understand that, but he is the one who shat on your vows - not you. Trust yourself.

LaDiDaDi Tue 04-Aug-09 08:18:27

Oh dear Scorps, I'm so sorry to hear this.

I think that you are definitely right to ask him to leave, for the moment at least.

I would take your time in deciding what you want, see how he behaves when he's not living with you. Whatever you do, don't accept his behaviour just because you are pregnant and worried about being alone.

(hugs)

RealityIsHavingAPartay Tue 04-Aug-09 08:18:49

Message withdrawn

Overmydeadbody Tue 04-Aug-09 08:21:48

Drling, it's not you who isn't good enough, it's not your children who aren't good enough. It is HIM who isn't good enough.

Staying with this man will mean you are in a failed marriage, failed because he couldn't be bothered to have any self control. Divorcing him means ending it and getting otut before it gets really bad.

If you bought a washing machine and it didn't work properly, and was defective, you would send it back without thinking you where the one that had failed. It's the same here, your DH has failed, so send him back.

He made marriage vows too, and has not stuck to them.

Tillyscoutsmum Tue 04-Aug-09 08:22:37

What an awful thing to be going through - especially when pg (I am on the December birth thread with you sad).

You said yourself that it would be the end if he lied to you and he has told you there has been no sexual contact. Seriously ?? The oldest lie in the book. He would have no need for her to have the house to herself for a chat and a bit of a snog would he ?

Your post is so sad because you seem keen to point out that you have kept yourself nice, have continued a healthy sex life and have not given him any "reason" to stray - despite having a shitty time the last few months. Unfortunately, men like this don't need a reason to stray. You are not at fault here and have done nothing wrong. He just sounds like the sort of (weak) man who will stray at any opportunity. Maybe he has low self esteem and loves the attention ? Is he jealous and possessive with you ?

He sounds very much like my first husband who I was with from 18 years old. I finally left when I was 24 and felt such a failure. I really wanted my marriage to work (doesn't everyone ?) but realised that I either spend my life with someone who had no respect for me and who I couldn't trust or I got out whilst I was young enough to make a life for myself with a decent man. I'm 34 now and can honestly say and I have never regretted my decision for a second.

I can see how its not an easy decision because of the dc's. Have you got lots of family support ? Friends ?

You don't have to make any decisions right now but I would definitely kick him out for at least a while so you get chance to think etc.

Keep posting

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:38:46

I do seriously think he has some sort of problem, low self esteem that gets boosted by women announcing their attractions to him.

My parents are being great (married and faithful for 30 years - what i want/ed), and all of my gf's are rallying round me.

My 20 week scan is on friday and i have asked him not to attend. I feel mean about that but i also think he forfeited all rights back in March. My oldest friend, and great support, is taking me so i have someone there who cares.

I'm scared of having a baby alone sad and he is ruining my last pg for me.

My friend said if i take him back he will do it again and again. He said yesterday he wants to be faithful to me.

He has a son with someone else, he slept with more than 20 women in their relationship, including whilst she was pregnant (she was 16, him 19).
Sorry if i seem disjointed its hard to think in a line iyswim.

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:40:09

I think i haven't given him a reason to stray, so i don't really understand why he has, why im not enough, but you are all saying its not my fault, but his. Trying to understand that.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Tue 04-Aug-09 08:45:47

hon he's a cheater - a pig. He's done it before - he'll do it again. It really isn't you. He could live in a love triangle with beyonce and angelina jolie and he'd still cheat

Tillyscoutsmum Tue 04-Aug-09 08:45:53

Some men (and women) are just cheats.... that's what they are. They can have fantastic relationships and be perfectly happy but will still stray if they are given the opportunity.

I do genuinely believe that a lot of affairs happen because the people involved are not happy in their own relationships (doesn't make it any better btw) but I do also believe there are some people that can not stop themselves regardless of the circumstances.

Even if you had let yourself go horribly, been completely self absorbed and had no sex (all perfectly normal and understandable behaviour following your mc and pregnancy), then he would still not be justified in shagging two (that you know of) other people in the last year. It is not your fault

Supercherry Tue 04-Aug-09 08:50:20

Scorps, he is a fool, he doesn't know what he's got to lose does he?

The sad thing is, he probably wont realise until he has lost you and his children.

You sound lovely, really strong and dignified and smart. You deserve better, you really do.

Marriage vows don't mean you have to put up with infidelity. There is no point your vows holding so much weight with you while they clearly mean nothing to him.

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:53:42

I was wondering if i shoulkd my (lovely) MW and tell her i suspect H of a sexual relationship and see if she thinks i need screening? I had the ususal but they dont test for everything.

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:54:07

should call, i mean

Supercherry Tue 04-Aug-09 08:56:35

Sorry, forgot to ask, how does he treat you the rest of the time Scorps?

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 08:59:27

99% of the time (as most other rlelationships i suspect) its great. Lovey, complimentary, we go out together - meals, outings...he does housework and childcare and is very into providing for our family. He adores the children (esp dd) and i cannot fault him as a father.

Scorps Tue 04-Aug-09 09:01:14

He is out a bit, mainly gym (5 evenings and Sunday for 3 hours) but that is fine with me. He never goes clubbing, or gambling and doesnt drink much at all. He is very into his sport.

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