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How is Boilerwoman,? please let us know how things are.

(19 Posts)
gero Mon 03-Aug-09 21:26:12

We were with you for a long time and hope you are well and the DC and Dog are happy.!

Boilerwoman Tue 04-Aug-09 09:53:43

I just saw your post Gero. Thank you so much for thinking of me - you may know we were really all quite poorly with chickenpox a few weeks ago and I have had shingles too which is no fun at all.............

DH remains at home. Our Relate sessions have been a bit cutailed what with the DC being poorly and then me.

Whilst DH was away I thought that if he came home everything would be fine. I was wrong. Well maybe not wrong but I never realised how long it would take before I came to terms with it. I still sleep very badly, especially when he is on nights (last night I had about two hours' sleep). I just feel more secure when he is in the house and I don't think it's because I know where he is then, iyswim. I just feel better when he is here.

And I do remember early on that a poster suggested I shouldn't rely on MN too much (she might not have know that I had nobody in RL to rely on)and that is why I am quiet now. I feel like I took so much from people on here during May/June and I feel badly about that too as I can never thank everyone enough.

My self-esteem is at zero and I know it is only me who can build that up.

It is so hard to get over this, I really don't think there is anything worse that can happen to someone.

Boilerwoman lives to whinge another day!

HappyWoman Tue 04-Aug-09 10:07:09

Fantastic to hear from you.

I do know what you mean about not feeling secure when he is not around - is he doing anything to help you there?

And i can assure you that things will NEVER be the same again - but you can make them better. However that cannot be achieved by brushing it under the carpet and carrying on as usual.

This has been a huge shock to your very foundations of everything you thought your life was going to be and needs lots of attention to make it stable again. It is hard work that you both need to do together and apart - is he willing to put the work in?

Please get some help to boost your self esteem - are you doing anything to start that?

We are still here for you and if you need our help then please do ask for it.

Take care and do keep in touch.

Notquitegrownup Tue 04-Aug-09 10:21:48

What a lovely coincidence! I was thinking about you this morning and popped in to see if you had updated.

So sorry to hear about the shingles - it/they are incredibly horrid. You didn't deserve that on top of everything else!

I too know what you mean about feeling better when your dh is in the house. Your relationship and coming to terms with what has happened in your relationship is your top priority in life. When he is out of the house, you can't be working on it/dealing with it. When he's there, you can be getting on with what you need to be doing.

I do hope that you manage to get some extra relate sessions, once you are all well. Remember, you have the right to call the shots in this relationship now. If you decide you both need to go to relate again - either now or in the future - then you can stick your neck out and expect it - or anything else which will help you both to build a happier future together. Don't settle for anything less than what you really want from him. You are Boilerwoman!

(I also agree that MN is still here for you, as and when you need it. You didn't 'take' any time or emotional support from anyone who wasn't more than willing to give it. Some people have lots of rl support. Others find it here. That's soooo much better than going through things on your own, and we are still here!)

Thinking of you.

DaisybabyScaredOfCows Tue 04-Aug-09 10:53:31

Hi, nice to see your update. I am sure it must take months, if not years, to properly come to terms with situations like the one you found yourself in.

I really hope you can all move forward positively as a family/couple.

Please, if it is what you want, continue to post on MN. If it helps in even a very small way, then it is worth it.

Hope you can find the time to arrange to go to one of the meet-ups?

lizziemun Tue 04-Aug-09 12:56:02

Nice to hear your update. I'm glad your okish.

Can just say forget about the 1 poster who said not to rely on MN and Listen to all the other poster who listened and gave advice.

I'm sure not one of those who posted would think any less of you if you come back for some support.

Lizzylou Tue 04-Aug-09 13:09:29

BW, sorry to hear that you have been ill, hope you are on the mend.

It will be a long slog but really hope that you work things out.

PLease come back to MN as well, we are all here, even if you just want to discuss what you are making for dinner grin

debs05 Tue 04-Aug-09 13:48:09

I feel exactly the same about when they are not around, I felt as though it wasnt about not trusting, its about wanting re-assurance 100% of the time and men just dont think the same. My dh thought that if I wasnt talking about it, he didnt want to bring it up incase it upset me and I was thinking he thought everything was ok and back to normal.

We are 18 months on and I can say things will never be the same, but I hope that I have the respect I deserve, and the love I need at last. Keep strong and keep posting and stay focused on what you want, when I have bad days I remind myself that Ive made the decision to keep my family together and he is the person I love and weather it through with his help. We have had some very happy times lately and I hope that in time your happiness returns. My dh was in and out of the house/bed for months and he stuck it out and told me time and time again how sorry he was, if you get constant re-assurance it helps, but men arent mind readers (we know that!) if you need him to tell you then let him know. Sorry for the rambling hope this helps.

AbricotsSecs Tue 04-Aug-09 13:53:20

Message withdrawn

gero Tue 04-Aug-09 18:01:35

Great to hear from you BW. You really have been through the mill - it would have floored a lesser woman - so you have my admiration.

There has been so much good advice on here right from Day 1 way back at the beginning of May and I too have learned a lot from it.

Stay strong, it is going to take a long time for things to feel normal ( a different type of normal) Take one day at a time. Sending all good wishes to you and let us know how things are
One more thing, how on earth are you coping with the school holidays?

copycat Wed 05-Aug-09 14:30:37

Oh Boilerwoman it's great to hear from you. You musn't feel indebted to MN - each one of us benefits from and relies upon the support here from time to time. We all post in the hope that the sympathy/comfort/reassurance/outrage/advice we offer helps the OP in some small way and you have been kind enough to thank everyone loads and loads of times so please don't feel guilty or embarrassed. One day YOU will be the one supporting someone else and passing on advice garnered from your experiences these past few months.

I'm sorry you have been poorly too. You must just feel totally exhausted after caring for the DCs whilst they were all unwell not to mention the emotional trauma you have been through. Be kind to yourself; you have a lot to get your head around and come to terms with. It will take time to heal.

Please act on your earlier decision to meet up with some of the Durham Mums. You need friends BW. In fact you and DH need friends as a couple too. You must find a new interest you can share together or make a joint efffort to get to know your neighbours or the parents of some of your DCs friends. Don't fall back into your old family routines; your new life together needs to be different somehow from your old one.

It must be your anniversary soon smile Have you and DH been able to plan a night or two away together or even an evening out? I do hope so.

Don't be discouraged that your marriage hasn't recovered or miraculously improved overnight. You will both have to put in lots of effort and do lots of talking. You are still hurting and DH needs to realise how he wounded you because, in a way, it is up to him to tend those wounds and 'love' you back to health. Professional help from your Relate counsellor may well be central to this for you both (and a safe place to share your feelings and disappointments) so do try to make your appointments a priority. You may need to be the proactive one here BW to move your relationship forward. Wishing you lots of strength and if you feel able to, do keep posting from time to time. x

Boilerwoman Wed 05-Aug-09 14:58:07

oh thank you all, so much. I was a bit scared to come back in case anyone thought I had just disappeared and been ungrateful. I really am not. I am thankful every day that you were all here with me through May and June, and now too, because I fear I will be back again to vent or moan or whatever.

Our anniversary is August 11th. I thought long and hard about trying to get away, but both DH and I realise this won't happen. There is, as I am sure you are all mightily sick of me telling you ad nauseam, nobody to look after the DC. We even thought of waiting until the two littlest ones were in bed and then sneaking off just for the night, but knowing my luck it will be the one night they decide to throw up or otherwise be ill and, anniversary or not, they come first.

We are looking into a holiday for us all next year though. I had been a bit iffy about booking anything for worry that DH will not "be here" but going on my gut feeling I he will, so I will go ahead and book up. You might remember my instinct was that he would not come home when he first said he would, and I was absolutely right, so I am a great believer in my feminine intuition.

He was busy this morning moving DD1's stuff back into her flat, as she moves down to London next week. She had been trying to get me to sort things out so that he could do the moving when she wasn't there as she doesn't wan to talk to him or see him, but I figured if he was good enough to do it then he was good enough to speak to about it, and so I left the arrangements to them. I think she is being a tiny bit melodramatic about things, as it is all about what he has done to "her". I know it must be frightening to realise that your dad isn't infallible, but I don't really know what to make of the relationship between them now.

There is so much more I want to say, but I am at work. When I next post I want to talk about our bedroom problems - I admit I have now let DH back into our room - so if I forget please do remind me...

AbricotsSecs Wed 05-Aug-09 22:05:28

Message withdrawn

BottySpottom Thu 06-Aug-09 19:02:51

Hi Boilerwoman smile. Glad to see you back. Of course you can keep posting and we are not tired of you yet! No-one posts support if they don't want to (I probably got a bit over-worried about you last time, but am a bit more measured at the moment)!

The shingles sounds horrible but I hope you are all better and able to carry on with Relate. I think in an ideal world you would probably get more out of real-life support than Mumsnet, but if that is all you have, then let people support you while you try and build up the former.

BottySpottom Thu 06-Aug-09 19:03:26

PS: What about your DH, how is he feeling about what he did? Any news about the OW?

gero Sun 09-Aug-09 21:52:43

Hello BW. How are you and the DC? Hope you are coping with the school holidays. Let us know how things are. You haven't been forgotten and still have lots of supporters on heregrin

copycat Tue 11-Aug-09 11:07:32

Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary to you and DH, BW smile and I truly hope it IS a very happy day for you both. I hope DH showers you with love and spoils you with flowers and gifts today; and is mindful of how close he came to losing his wonderful wife. It's a great shame that you can't get out to celebrate with a romantic dinner or night away but hopefully you can enjoy a lovely meal and champagne at home tonight instead. Maybe you could ask FIL to come and stay for a couple of days so that you can take a belated night away later in the month?

Anyway whatever you do I hope the day is special to you both and you can take time to reflect on how blessed you are to have each other and five amazing DC. Many congratulations to you both.

gero Tue 11-Aug-09 13:26:21

Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary !!!smile

Everything copycat says ditto.

BottySpottom Tue 11-Aug-09 23:06:40

Happy Anniversary from me too smile. I hope the day was happy more than it was painful.

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