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When the OW/new GF colludes with the abusive ex!

(15 Posts)
macdoodle Mon 03-Aug-09 18:53:51

There are so many of us on here, I am sure this is not uncommon!
Why do they do this, are they so deluded that they believe everything they say??
XH had an affair 3 years ago on a background of being a non participant, emotionally abusive, insulting, distant husband and father!
He then spent the better part of 2 years playing the both of us and getting us both pregnant!
I finally decided enough was enough about a year ago but has taken me ages to finally move on!
I have filed for divorce, am seeing a lovely kind man, and trying to sort out the financial mess he left me!
He finally went back to the OW and they are together, I honestly truly dont give a shit!!

He just wont leave me alone, he is abusive aggresive, has threatened to kill my new DP to his face!
Lets the kids down all the time, manipulates DD1 in an attempt to get to me !
But now the OW has taken to chipping in, she is always there when he picks up drops off makes comments about ME being a crap parent, about the kids being happier with them blah blah blah!

Why the eff is she getting involved I am remaining neutral where she is concerned for the sake of my DD1's, she has seen first hand what he is like, does she/can she honestly truly believe him when he says its all me, is she mad!

She will get all she desrves of that I have no doubt, but why try and detsroy me what on earth is the point!!
Tonight she told me to move on aggggghhhh - I am bloody trying he is the one still torturing me!

hambler Mon 03-Aug-09 19:07:14

good grief they deserve each other!
I hope you told the police about the death threat.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Mon 03-Aug-09 19:19:03

She is a whore who could only get a man by nicking someone else's, she probably has zero self esteem and calling you names is an effort to cover up her worthlessness, in turn it sounds like she got her just deserts with the no hoper you washed your hands of.

Try to have as little contact as possible with them, can someone else over see the hand over of your child so you do not have to see them? Also DO report the death threat.

macdoodle Mon 03-Aug-09 19:25:10

I am sure that is it, and though initially I did actually feel quite sorry for her, he really is a horrid piece of work, and even when he wasnt, he really was a crap father and husband (pub every night and most sundays, never helping in house, never contributing financially)

I KNOW I am 100% better off without him, and am so much happier without him!

I KNOW she will get everything she deserves and hope she stays with him a good long time till he does to her what he did to me!

But why can they not leave me alone, why on earth do they keep tormenting me!
It is impossible to communicate in any rational manner with either of them, I engage as litle as is humanly possible!

But as for the OW/GF I really really dont understand, he was foul to her when she got pregnant, almost made her get a termination, threatened to kick her in the stomach so she would miscarry, she has seen him physically attack me and threaten my new DP!
She must be barking mad to believe a word he says!!

prettyfly1 Mon 03-Aug-09 19:55:35

Oh god mac - what a nightmare- why is he still doing this and what on earth does she think she is playing at for gods sake. Have you reported it - you definitely should. Good lord I cannot believe the woman is stupid enough to believe the bull he has to be feeding her. So sorry you are still going through this.

mrsjammi Mon 03-Aug-09 19:58:25

Message withdrawn

ilikeshoes Mon 03-Aug-09 20:08:16

If he is physically abusive, i would cut all contact with him including contact with your child he can not possibly be a good roll model, i would only go through a solicitor, and eventually your ex and the ow, will get bord, they must be already if they are occupying there time trying to upset

twigsblankets Mon 03-Aug-09 21:12:33

It is surprisingly common. The abusive ex is probably telling her what a total bitch you are, what a terrible mother you are, to get her on side. He will enjoy getting her on side. It's a shame really that she doesn't see what is really happening, that he is leading her up the garden path, as abusive men do, into believing he is the nice guy, who's been done a wrong.

If it's any consolation, she will see him for what he is, but by then, she will be deep in the throes of an abusive relationship herself.

Abusive men hate to see their ex partners surviving well without them, because he is afraid that everyone will see that it was in fact him that was the problem, not you, so he gets his new g/f to join his cause to keep up the 'act'.

I know it might not be the easiest thing to do, but I kind of feel sorry for her, that she is taking him at his word, and truly cannot or will not see him for what he is.

It's always a good idea to listen to what the ex partner has to say about yr new guy. If it isn't true, then fair enough, but if it is, she'll know what to look out for.
Seems this new g/f is the foolish one.

ginnny Tue 04-Aug-09 10:01:57

Hi Macdoodle.
I can't believe he is still being so horrible. What a dick!
She will wise up to him (probably when he has screwed her over the way he did you).
I think jealousy is at the root of it all. She got pg to keep him, then he got you pg too, which took away her 'weapon'. You have 2 beautiful dds and a lovely new man and she is probably fuming that you have come out of this happy. What has she got? An abusive partner who she can't trust further than she can throw him. She really got the booby prize didn't she.
Don't waste your pity on her though - what goes around comes around.
And yes, report the death threat, with his record the police will take that seriously and you will be showing him you won't tolerate his bullying anymore.

HappyWoman Tue 04-Aug-09 10:19:37

McD - so sorry this is happening but i am not surprised actually.

I tell the children that truly happy people dont have to waste their time finding faults in others and seeking to make them unhappy.

She is not as strong as you Mcd - because of the way she continued to persue a married man, and that is why she believes his lies - you wanted to for a while remember.

I would also suggest doing things through a third party for a while and get a solicitor involved - he is not acting like the 'good' dad at the moment so shouldnt be allowed to be one.

If you need to 'escape' for a while you know where i am - albeit a long way away - and i now have somewhere to put you up toosmile.

Stay strong and ture MCD - you are wonderful and i admire you at least.

MorrisZapp Tue 04-Aug-09 12:33:39

The reason she thinks you are a crap mum etc is that like many women, she trusts her partner and believes him despite him being a cheat and a liar.

My sister in in similar position - her ex has managed to convince his new GF that my sister is a bitch etc and the new GF has no reason not to believe it.

As others have said, she'll see the real him soon enough. It may take years though.

I'd say, if you ever meet a man who tells you that his ex is a psycho/ bitch etc then run for the hills because ime either it's a complete lie or it's him who has turned her that way.

In years to come he'll be turning yet another gullible woman against his now current GF, but in the meantime all you can do is accept that you're well rid and that it isn't your problem any more.

Feelingforty Tue 04-Aug-09 16:56:47

reading this from the other thread you have.

I had an ex boyfriend who was abusive/aggressive (& very short - I call it short mans attitude)
One day he came to the house i was leaving because he wanted me to get back with him. I rrefused to come to the door, but opened the window upstairs. Becuase I didn't do what he wanted (whatever that was) he called me a f*ing slag. Like an idiot I just stood there, blinking & let him be verbally abusive. What I should have done is tell him I was going to call the police & then shut the window. I had another idiot exboyfriend, whow, when he saw me chatting to another man, wanted me to go outside & talk to him, I didn't, so he called me a slag. Why do they do it ? because they are stupied/ignorant, but I feel that I let it happen.
When you say your ex won't leave you alone, what do you mean ? does he come to your house, does he stalk you ? You must inform the police, especially if he has threatened to kill your DP -(incidentally, why did he do this?) If he is contacting you on the phone, then change your number, contact citizens advice burea or get solicitor advice & state he is making your DD unhappy. Does he have a formal arrangement to see DD ? if not, keep her away from him until he can grow up. (your girls are gorgeous btw smile.
My dad was agressive, abusive & fiery, as was my mother & I was brought up in what my psychologist described as a warzone. You do have the power to NOT let this happen to you & you owe it to yourself & your children. I'm glad you have found yourself a new man.
If you want to talk somemore & don't want to do it here, then cat me. (I'm an old poster, I just regulary change my name )

HappyWoman Tue 04-Aug-09 17:21:33

its because he has lost all control over you MCD - and he still wants to play the victim (and ow finds it easier for him to the victim too). She would not dare tell him the truth either.
He is nothing but a big spoilt child who has been told to grow up and he doesnt like it one bit.

My friend has the same trouble - although no death threats as far as i know but he makes every effort to still be in her life (he left for ow and as far as we know is still with her), but if my friend makes plans for when he has the children and he finds out about it he will do all he can to spoil it.

She has now seen what he is up to and so does not tell the children what she is up to as he will always ask the children about her plans.

Could you be sneaky and make he think NM is off the scene for a while??? Although you shouldnt have to i know.

Take care.

queenofdenial2009 Thu 06-Aug-09 19:56:40

MacD, you know the others are right and you know you are right. He's playing a game with her head to get to you. He's feeding her a whole story about how you're this and you're that. The hard thing is not rising to the bait.

I'm usually quite easy-going, but having left my psychologically abusive partner a few weeks ago, I can already see that I'm going to have incredible resolve not to let him play games with me. He tries a different tack - I left him and he's really struggling and suffering. So much so that he's had various relatives down from around the country to help him cope with seeing our daughter.

Today we had arranged for him to see her from 2.00 to 5.30, but then he changed it to 5.00. I stupidly agreed and then couldn't go to the cinema like I'd planned. Then he changed the day at the weekend he'll see her.

Little things but it's all games to them. My situation is really minor compared to yours, but I was still really angry.

Can someone else do the handovers or can you use a contact centre for the drop offs? Women's Aid could give you more info and it could make it a calmer experience for the kids.

Quite jealous of the lovely kind new man...

macdoodle Thu 06-Aug-09 20:29:00

Am amazed at the lovely kind man
He is lovely, laid back and calm, never shouts or gets angry, doesnt blame me for anything, listens to me rants and moan, happy to spend time with my DC, very generous (to a fault really, with everyone not just me), doesnt slag off his exes in fact is friendly with some who have told me I am a lucky girl!
Am not saying he is perfect, he isnt, but he makes a bloody good change from my XH
Oh and he's good in the sack.....but doesnt pressure me for sex grin

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