Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

A week in the Priory?

(39 Posts)
green Mon 03-Aug-09 11:23:41

Oh, the exhaustion of this relationship. I love him, we have all the ingredients for a wonderful relationship. Yet, we are on our 3rd round of Relate (which is great and getting somewhere I feel - although now 3 weeks without due to holidays etc).

Arguments dominated the weekend and I ended up in an exhausted sobbing pile by the end of the weekend with some very bleak and scary thoughts (I've been there before). I called my sister near hysterically because I knew I had to speak to someone who could calm me down. I had an urge to run downstairs and get a knife. I would never do it, I couldn't do it to the children, but quite honestly I have moments where it feels like the only way to escape and get some rest.

This morning I feel a little less insane, but if someone offered me a way to end it all without causing any harm to my children, at times I think I'd grab it.

I know it sounds horribly narcissistic and melodramatic (with touches of my mad mother edging in). But there you have it.

I'm in therapy (again - she's on her hols)and I know these feelings come and go.

I fancy rather self indulgently booking myself into the Priory or some such for a week, for a bit of support if nothing else.

Anyone done that?

poshtottie Mon 03-Aug-09 11:52:27

You poor thing. You sound exhausted. Could you not have a trial seperation? What are the arguments about?

Yes you could run away but it will still be there when you get back.

wheniwishuponastar Mon 03-Aug-09 11:58:06

I think having a break and gathering your strength is a good idea!

I've never been. But a friend of mine has and found it helpful.

If you think you should do it, do it. It's rare to have this kind of insight when you aren't feeling well, so i'd say go for it. Any money spent on your mental well being is money well spent i would say. Do it!

MamaLazarou Mon 03-Aug-09 12:54:59

The Priory will cost you COIN.

Have a long weekend away by yourself or with a girl friend instead.

tiredoftherain Mon 03-Aug-09 13:20:11

The Priory is incredibly expensive (upwards of £600 per night) and is no luxury health farm, the money you pay goes towards the care of the best experts around. The psychiatric support is wonderful, but I think you'd be far better going on a spa weekend and investing in more counselling sessions to support this.

green Mon 03-Aug-09 13:55:02

Now it is the afternoon and I feel more sane I'm with you on the spa weekend. The Priory probably isn't the answer.

BUT I frightened myself last night with suicidal thoughts. I'm already on a low dose of ADs.

I AM exhausted poshtottie. The arguments begin with silly things and then escalate. We are not good at arguing - we both become destructive. But I get so rageful as he won't see or take any responsibility for the dynamic between us. I don't feel heard and I don't feel supported. BUT I love him and I want to be with him.

As I write this post, I feel overwhelmed with the pointlessness of it. I'm alone and I feel trapped in this and that is what exhausts me. I feel like I'm trapped in an endless suduko puzzle that is my life, and I can't get it right even though all the answers are there.

ErikaMaye Mon 03-Aug-09 14:33:09

I'm sending you huge unMNlike hugs right now. x

If you're already on ADs but still feeling this way, maybe its worth going back to your GP. How long have you been on them? If you haven't been on them long enough, they might not have kicked in yet. On the other hand, your body might have got too used to them / you might be on the wrong ones / on too low a dose.

I think, personally, that before you can work through any issues you and he might be happening, getting yourself to be in a better place first is more important. If you're feeling low, things will seem more pointless and more painful, and so more irrationally upsetting than if you're feeling good in yourself.

(I hope none of that sounds patronising. I'm posting as someone with experience in mental health, and in reflection of how its made me feel about my relationships with everyone when I'm down.)

Is your sister very supportive?

MamaLazarou Mon 03-Aug-09 14:39:51

Green, please go and see your GP asap to discuss your meds. Feeling frightened and overwhelmed is not OK, and you don't have to continue that way.

Sending you a massive hug darling x

green Mon 03-Aug-09 14:58:10

But but but I thought I was doing much better, and truly I am - other than when we argue. It just seems to throw me so far away from the grounded and girl with a good sense of self that I feel I am usually getting to.

I've been on the ADs for 18 months now - and actually was recently considering coming off them actually. They have really really helped but I was doing so much better.

My sister is far away, and supportive in times of crisis, yes. She was great last night. But we aren't the type of speak every day on the phone sisters IYKWIM.

ErikaMaye - not patronising in the slightest.

I do sometimes think some time apart would be a good thing - restful at least. But I'm not sure we'd ever come back from it actually. I think he would detach that bit extra, which would be too much.

ErikaMaye Mon 03-Aug-09 15:04:23

I was doing okay too - I have an appointment to discuss going back on my medication in an hour and a half. I've realised (or can realise, when I'm in a good place) that there is NO shame if needing them for longer than you thought. Right now, if you're still finding moments where they would be helpful, then why not see if staying on them / upping the dose would be the right thing for now? You can always change your mind, but its got to be worth a shot.

Don't feel bad for needing a bit of extra help right now, whether its person, email, MN or tablet shaped

Okay, so if you think some time to yourself would be good, but don't want to risk having some proper time out, why not find a local yoga class or something that you can attend once a week? I would heartily recommend yoga, as you have to be focused on your breathing and your posture rather than anything else. The deep calm is so relaxing, and things never seem so bad during and after a class. It would also teach you various tecniques to help you retain yourself in arguments.

But if yoga doesn't appeal to you, then something like swimming, the gym, aerobics... Even just going for a run, Staying active is also fantastic for you mood, AND keeps you in shape, so it helps in so many ways.

green Mon 03-Aug-09 15:15:24

I feel like a non co-operative teenager who wants to say 'yeah i know'. I run twice a week and have a fab yoga class. I know great ways to manage myself and my moods, and as I say feel I am so much better - more grounded, more of a sense of self etc.

There arguments just throw me though. A million miles up in the air and then I land somewhere I'm not sure where to get back from.

Did you come off them completely then ErikaMaye? I think you are right and I have no shame being on them - I did before hand but then they worked and I thought, jeez, why hadn't I done this before. I hope the docs go well

green Mon 03-Aug-09 15:20:16

And and and, then I doubly can't find where to get back from as he will now spend the next week not talking to me. This is because he can't trust my emotions as I got angry when we argued and then I cried and he can't cope with that. He says he doesn't know who he'll get when he gets home - 'angry green' or 'sad green' or 'happy green' and so he just detaches.

As I lay in a heap on the floor sobbing last night he came upstairs and told me he can't hug me or look after me because he feels numb.

I understand that and I feel kinda sorry for him but I'm dreading going home after work today...

ErikaMaye Mon 03-Aug-09 15:38:47

Sorry, didn't mean to preech at you!! Simply passing on the best advice I have. I used to role my eyes at it until I was in a physc. unit, and it was scheduled into our day. I've kept it up since then. I'm glad its helping

I know what you mean - things that I should be able to deal with sometimes just phase me entirely, and I just can't make them make sense in my head.

Yup, I've been medication (AD and anti-physcotic) free for best part of five months now - came off everything when I found out I was pregnant. But I've decided that right now its best for me to be back on them. I'm glad they've helped you

Thing is, when I'm feeling crap, regardless of which part of my condition (I have BPD) is flaring up, everything feels so much worse. Please don't feel like I'm minimising your suffering right now, because I'm sincerely sorry you're having a hard time. Just that getting a hold of everything emotionally can resuffle the logical part of the brain that seems to go MIA when you're struggling.

Thanks about the doctors, am kinda nervous, but at the same time think its riskier staying off them then going back on, to be frank. Today is the really only good day I've had in quite a while so...

ErikaMaye Mon 03-Aug-09 15:40:53

Oh green... I can hug you though! ((((HUG)))) Know its not the same but...

Have you tried explaining to him about these thoughts? Does he know you're on ADs?

ducati Mon 03-Aug-09 15:52:11

I too am cracking up. husband was diagnosed as bipolar earlier this year after a year of bizarre and damaging behaviour and now he is driving me to verge of a breakdown. can't face his threatened non-appearance on our family holiday to italy, yet can't face the thought of being stuck with him for a week. constantly anxious and fretting and drinking too much. has anyone seen any info on how to cope with this sort of thing, beyond 'be a complete doormat and be prepared to take any old shit to keep family together'?

poshtottie Mon 03-Aug-09 16:11:34

ducati, have you looked on the website. Maybe you could get some info from them.

wheniwishuponastar Mon 03-Aug-09 22:20:21

Ducati - sounds like he needs some help from the professionals first and foremost. For you (and him?) i recommend and

The first is the website of the manic depression fellowship. There is a forum on there. It's run by the charity.

The second is run by people with bipolar, and is an independent forum rather than connected to anything. Both are good, slightly different.

There's also a large topic for Manic Depression on Stephen Fry's website.

good luck and come back if you need more advice.

Saneline (phone helpline) may also be helpful.

green Tue 04-Aug-09 09:12:27

Ducati, that sounds dreadful and kinda puts things into perspective for me too.

All that advice sounds spot on from others - I've had no experience of bi polar to pass on.

For me, I'm thinking ADs aren't the answer in this case as I think generally I'm more grounded. I just need to stop this cycle of destructive arguing and I DON'T KNOW HOW.

msled Tue 04-Aug-09 09:18:41

I'm sorry but I honestly don't think anyone who has the urge to downstairs in the middle of a row to look for a knife to kill herself with is truly 'grounded'. Suicidal thoughts don't occur to people in good mental health. I'm not sure you can blame this just on rows in your relationship. they must go deep. What on earth are you arguing about?

msled Tue 04-Aug-09 09:20:06

The Priory is a psychiatric hospital, not a hotel. You can't just 'check in'.

domesticslattern Tue 04-Aug-09 09:33:20

What msled said. The Priory is not a luxury spa gaff, it is a serious psychiatric hospital and you would need referral.

Sounds like you need something else, like a chat with your GP and a nice holiday.

msled Tue 04-Aug-09 09:35:58

I think suicidal thoughts are too serious to be fixed by a holiday and may well merit a referral to the Priory. I have a friend who was admitted there and it is anything but is a 'nice rest'.

ErikaMaye Tue 04-Aug-09 09:41:17

Ducati, I'm so sorry to hear that things are rough for you right now Maybe you could talk to your doctor about some tips to deal with his behaviour? There are also a lot of support groups around for people with a family member suffering from a mental health condition - my parents went to one when I was really ill, and found it helpful just knowing that these other people understood and wouldn't judge. I really hope you have some personal support around you. x

Green, how are you feeling today? I'm glad that you say you think you're more grounded, but maybe it would be worth giving the ADs the benefit of the doubt for a bit? Are you seeing anyone? If you don't want to medicate, for whatever reason, maybe talking through how you've been feeling and thinking could be beneficial? I get suicidal thoughts just springing up, even if I've been feeling great, and talking it through has helped slightly for me to at least ignore it if I can't control it.

dcgc Tue 04-Aug-09 09:58:30

Hi Green, I've not read all of the responses, but if you're having suicidal thoughts then you must get some support, be it in the form of one to one counselling or upping the mg's on your AD's. I was on AD's two years ago and for me I realised I needed help when I seriously considered stepping out into the road in front of a car. Just a fleeting thought and probably not something I would have done, but it was enough to scare the bejesus out of me and make me realise I needed help. You've obviously taken that initial step by going to the GP for the AD's, but now you need to ask for more help. There is absolutely no shame in that. I've been off the AD's for a year now and have recently had DS1 and so far so good. Once you've suffered with depression you really now the signs to look for. What you were saying about sobbing etc was exactly like I was and the probs in your relationship may well be as a result of your depression. It's a massive thing for a partner/husband to understand if they've never experienced depression before. I really do wish you lots of luck with everything and hope you get the help you need. xx

green Tue 04-Aug-09 12:14:59

Thanks for responses. I never suggested the Priory was a holiday - I do at times (Sunday night being one of those times) genuinely feel like I need some more support with my mental health.

My understanding is you can go to the doctor and ask for referral to the Priory (and I only use that example as it is the only one I've heard of - but I more meant a mental health facility of some sort).

What you guys say about having suicidal thoughs has got me thinking. They are fleeting as you say dcgc and so I guess I console myself with that and think maybe it isn't so much of a problem? Like today, I'm OK, I really am. And generally I am so much better. I have suffered with debilitating anxiety (PND) in the past and am in a much better place.

I feel like Sunday night was an almighty wobble and that yes, normally I am really much more grounded than perhaps you believe. But those wobbles are very very scary.

Just to clarify, it wasn't in the middle of an argument that I wanted to rush downstairs with a knife to kill myself. The row had ended in that dh had walked off. I felt so tired and exhausted and trapped and stuck that I felt like I genuinely didn't know what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to go downstairs and get a knife because genuinely I didn't know what else to do. I'm not sure if I wanted to hurt myself, or just fleetingly thought about killing myself. But I realised it wasn't a good place to be and called my sister to 'talk me out' of the scary place I was in.

I am actually quite proud of how I dealt with those overwhelming emotions in some ways and that I recognised I need some more support.

I'm sure the rows do go deep and during them I loose all my grounding and senses of where I am and who I am. My dh (and I am not blaming him here - I understand it is a dynamic) shuts me down in arguments and I feel I have nowhere to go. He doesn't take responsibility for his part in the dynamic and then I tend to loose grounding - am I going mad, is this my fault entirely kinda questions.

Ultimately, it isn't the rows but the way I feel during and after them that I am trying to describe. Does anyone understand?

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: