OK, I've posted a few times in the past about my dh. Basically he is always tired, always grumpy, very bad tempered and grumpy and snappy with the kids. He can be very rude and abrupt and hurtful. He does (usually) recognise when he's calmed down when he's been out of order and apologise, but that doesn't necessarily take away the hurt he caused.
He finds the noise at home extremely difficult to tolerate and this makes him also very grumpy and snappy. We have 4 dc, 13 months, 5, 8 & 9. He has a really personality clash with ds3 aged 5 - but sparks fly there, and to a lesser extent with ds2 aged 8. He finds the noise really actually physically painful. He admitted last night that even if all 4 were being nigh on perfect, he would still find it too difficult, as more than 1 noise source at the same time hurts.
Unfortunately, we have 4 kids, and they are not text book perfect all of the time (undertstament) which leads to him shouting at them to be quiet or talking unkindly "stop jabbering on" etc really frequently. He places unreasonable demands on them to be quiet, and esp ds3 in the car just can't do it. I can tune out the noise of them chatting or even squabbling, but he can't.
He sees his relationship wth ds1 now becoming strained. He doesn't want the kids growing up and looking back thinking he's always a grumpy bastard, but the fact is, he is.
He wants to change, but neither of us are having much luck. I am trying to support him. We have been together a long time (17 years) and he used to be always really funny, witty, clever, we'd be laughing all the time. Seems like a very distant memory
He has agreed to dramatically cut down on alcohol (wasn't an especially heavy drinker, but most nights.) So now he won't have a drink at all during the week. He's trying to get to bed earlier, but he finds going to be difficult, I think he has always natuarlly been noctural - so going up very late & getting up late, but obv. this doesn't fit in with his job, which is long hours and demandiing, though he does enjoy it.
He wants to execise more, and does try to go for a long bike ride or run, but due to hours, difficult.
But what else can we do? I think he needs a hobby that will give him social contact with people, but he wouldn't join a choir, and doesn't do sports other than cycling, so not sure what?
The strain usually lands on me. He is now working such long hours I usually have to put all 4 dc to bed by myself every night, I feel like a single parent. I feel bad for the kids who he's always having a go at. Most of our rows are about him being mean to them. I worry our relationship will stand the strain of parenthood. I worry for my por kids always getting told off, and I want to help my dh who desperately wants to change, as he can see how he is being and is increasingly unhappy about it.
So acion plan is
- v. little booze
- more sleep.
- more exercise
- try taking St Johns wort
Anything else?
How do I help him tolerate the noise?
How do I help him help himself to relax and regain his former easy going fun ways?
Thanks