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I am being a complete cow but i can't seem to turn my feelings around(6 Posts)
My brother and sister-in-law have recently had their third daughter. We are a close family, live very close, get on very well - always seeing each other etc.
For about 18 months I have desperately wanted another child, but I know that is not going to happen (not because of health, but because of my DP, our situation & finances). DB & DSIL both know this.
I admit I was sick with jealousy when DB & DSIL announced No. 3 (In a big extravagant way, in front of everyone!). I did the big congrats thing etc - hid how I was feeling inside - but then I slipped away to the toilet and sobbed quietly. I admitted to DP I was jealous and couldn't stop crying, feeling down etc.
Pulled myself together and the months went on - bits and peices have happened and I have built up a bit of anger/recentment towards them - but I'm not sure if that is because of the baby or if I would have felt that anyway?! But, brushed stuff under the carpet and got on with it...
However, now No.3 is here, I feel so recentful - I hate feeling this way - I am horrible, I know, and my DB and DSIL deserve so much better than this from me!
I just don't feel anything towards the new baby. I can't help it. I look her and I feel nothing! With my other 2 neices I dashed to the hospital to see them and cried over them and loved them instantly (and am still very close with them both). I look at the new one and I feel like she is an inconvenience - they had 2 beautiful daughters, why did they need 3?! (that's a rhetorical question - I know I am awful!)
But they insist on me holding her and I don't want to. I dread it and have been keeping my distance, which they are beginning to find odd (which it is).
They have so many friends all gushing, rushing round there and wanting to hold and cuddle her. I just don't feel like that at all. However, I am at the point where I am going to offend them if I don't start showing some of that gushing baby stuff soon, but I just can't bring myself to, its just not there.
I am a bitter old trout and I don't deserve the neices and family that I have. This is not the baby's fault, it's just a baby!!
I need a kick up the backside and I need these feelings to go away....but they won't and I don't know what to do!! I feel so rubbish. Wish I could pack up and leave, go somewhere far away.
Come and throw tomatoes at me...
Oh no - I wont do that - you want another baby and you just cant - they have one and it seems unfair - you know your being unreasonable. Could you explain to them how you feel about not having another one yourself and just explain that your finding it a bit tough - that you are just a wee bit jealous?
I think you need to be honest with them and apologise for feeling the way you do and then keep your distance for a while until you think you can treat your three nieces equally. Maybe find someone neutral to talk to about your feelings.
Hope you find a way through it
If you couldn't have another because of medical reasons everyone would be really understanding and sympathetic. Your desire is exactly the same but you are being a responsible parent and your feelings are perfectly normal.
Have you spoken to DB about your feelings? Is this something you could do? Is there another family member who could act as a go between if you can't talk to him directly?
Surely they would understand?
Thanks for your reasurance everyone, I appreciate your words!
Scary - "If you couldn't have another because of medical reasons everyone would be really understanding and sympathetic. Your desire is exactly the same but you are being a responsible parent and your feelings are perfectly normal." THANK-YOU for putting it that way. Very true! Almost hate my 'responsible' head when so many others aren't! Makes one wonder why one bothers sometimes.
I opened up for the first time, to both of them, seperately, just before they made their announcement. They both know how I feel but seem to have chosen to completely ignore it or think that they will 'heal' me by pushing their baby on to me at every opportunity - and seem totally bemused at my lack of enthusiasm.
The announcement was not sensitive in any way, which hurt at the time too.
I fear telling them my feelings again will offend them and make them turn away from me completely in a 'this is what you wanted' way and I will be shut out completely rather than handled with care.
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