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How do I know if he's lying?

(26 Posts)
megmums Sun 02-Aug-09 22:12:05

I have confronted my Dh about a friendship he has with a female colleague, and he has looked me in the eye and promised that he is not having an affair.

He says he texts her a lot, that he likes her, she is a friend.

It is driving me crazy. How do I know if he is telling the truth? In his as a policeman he often finishes late and misses the last train so sleeps in the office.

We went through a very bad patch earlier this year, when he told me he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. We had gone through BIG lifestyle changes and I think he was depressed, but has got over it, and NEVER talks about leaving anymore. Infact he is being more helpful than normal (i know this is a sign of guilt?) or maybe he just wants the marriage to work so is putting 100% in?

Sorry to ramble but I really do not know what to think!

Hassled Sun 02-Aug-09 22:21:06

You can tell if he's lying by reading his texts. Work out a way to get access to the phone. Yes, I know it's snooping and a Bad Thing etc., but you won't rest until you know, will you?

I do hope he's being honest with you.

megmums Sun 02-Aug-09 22:23:54

I used to read his texts ALOT. He hated me doing it, and to be honest I didn't find anything upsetting. But I haven't read them for a while, and I don't want to. I want him to be honest if there is anything going on, as snooping has made me feel very ill in the past.

abedelia Sun 02-Aug-09 22:30:27

Of course you won't find anything if he knows you read his texts. Get a card reader. Then you can see all the ones he's deleted.

At the end of the day you have to ask yourself which is worse - constant suspicion or knowing for sure, even if the news is bad. Only you can make that choice. Someone on here (might be Coper on 'he's cheating again' thread) even put a tracker on her H's car - it's not unusual... Another idea: on the nights he stays out, couldn't you ring the station on some pretext or the other to see if he's there?

motherlovebone Sun 02-Aug-09 22:34:17

when an event is retold it is retold a little differently each time. a lie is trotted out almost word for word each time.
look at some body language stuff on the net.

2rebecca Sun 02-Aug-09 22:34:25

You can never know if someone's lying. You eiter trust them or you don't. You obviously don't. The sleeping in the office thing sounds strange. Can't he buy a car or the 2 of you move nearer his work? I wouldn't be happy with that situation. I think men texting alot is weird, mind you I think people who aren't teenage girls texting alot or spending alot of time in facebook are weird but it seems very widespread. It seems an immature way of communicating to me. Fine if you're just wanting to get a message to someone in a hurry, but most blokes hate typing and texting. If my bloke suddenly developed a text or facebook habit I'd wonder what he was up to, especially as your bloke said he wasn't happy. Ask him to keep the texts to work related stuff only and be more mature.

StirlingTheTired Mon 03-Aug-09 00:35:54

I know when my h is lying - His lips are moving grin

MuthaHubbard Mon 03-Aug-09 01:01:03

i read your other thread regarding this. i work in the same field (though not as an officer) and i have seen how close people can get on shift due to the fact that they work very closely in quite difficult situations for hours and hours on end. some officers do have affairs (both male and female) and a lot end up divorced and marry colleagues.

am not saying that he is having an affair, but does he text others on his shift in this way? how would he feel if you had a friendship like this with a man? maybe he has realised he's been getting to close to her and decided to sort himself out? if you've expressed worry at his friendship, then he should respect your feelings - whether justified or not - and back off from her to make you feel better.

megmums Wed 05-Aug-09 21:24:20

Muthahubbard i think you may be right. I can see how officers would get close working in those situations, i really think the police force is a way of life rather than a job. He seems to be making a HUGE effort to make me happy. I said all i want is for him to reduce contact with her, he said he will text her less. He said 'she is a friend whom i am fond of, nothing is going on, i love you, you are my wife, and i am not going to leave you for her'. My head hurts!

twoclimbingboys Wed 05-Aug-09 21:54:17

I don't know if it is morally an ok thing to do, but I wonder if there are any trackers small enough for a coat pocket/lining etc if they don't drive?

megmums Wed 05-Aug-09 22:10:02

Wow is that legal?!! Not sure i would be comfortable doing that to be honest but thanks for the suggestion!

twoclimbingboys Wed 05-Aug-09 23:10:37

I wouldn't know if its legal megmums, he would probably be beyond irritated if there is nothing going on and you had done that - I certainly would be if DH 'tracked' me or my car!

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 20:56:46

Dh said he was working at night, i checked his phonebill and he got orange 2 4 1 cinema tickets. Now i think he was not in work. I confronted him without telling him i checked his bill and he says he was in work and i should trust him. I feel like my world is slowly falling apart and completely out of control.

PerArduaAdNauseum Thu 06-Aug-09 21:00:03

Oh hell. Any way of finding out if he definitely used the 2fer code?

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 21:41:21

I don't know?

Silly thing is i remember joking at the time with him that he had sneaked off work to go to the cinema. Now i think i might be right. I feel like a FOOL!

PerArduaAdNauseum Thu 06-Aug-09 21:46:09

What will you do if you find out he has been lying to you? Where do you want to go from here?

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 21:49:40

Well i have a young dc, about to start a good job, and live miles from family. Ideally i want him to confess, admit he has been an idiot, get help, work at it and stay together. I have asked him so many times if he is seeing this girl behind my back and he has always said no. I am sick of asking him, i just need firm proof. I don't think orange 2 4 1 tickets are enough proof to confront him with. I can't bear to read his mobile phone, the thought scares me!

He is making an effort with our marriage, arranging days out, but at the back of my mind is this girl who is making me feel soo ill i can barely eat.

twoclimbingboys Thu 06-Aug-09 22:13:19

If he really is working as much as he says he is it would be reflected on his payslip / bank account in a lot of OT. You could phone the switchboard number at his work and ask them to get a msg to him - if he was in work they would be able to, even he is on an operation. That is what I was going to do if I went in to labour and my DH was in work with his mobile switched off etc.

The orange 2-4-1 tickets aren't enough evidence. He would try to talk his way out of it, even if he is having an affair.

MuthaHubbard Thu 06-Aug-09 22:19:09

oh meg, am sorry he is still giving you big concerns....i think i would pluck the courage up to look at his phone...i wouldn't normally recommend it but it may help you either way rather than feeling in no mans land.

is there anyway you can do this without him knowing?

you can also phone comms and just ask if officer 1234 is on duty if you suspect he's not at work...they can at least tell you that over the phone without you having to give too much away x

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 22:29:23

Thanks both. Wouldn't he get told if someone phoned up and asked if he was in work? I could only phone his switchboard if our dc was ill and it was an emergency and he wasn't answering his phone. And obviously i would never ever want to be in that situation.

megmums Thu 06-Aug-09 22:31:32

I asked him to show me the texts that he has from HER and he refused, saying he is not going to start showing me his texts (he never has - this is consistent with how he has always behaved, and have never felt in the past that he was cheating). He locks his phone, i know the code if that is on, but i would be so worried of getting caught, and not being able to lock it again!

PerArduaAdNauseum Thu 06-Aug-09 22:42:37

Which is worse - getting caught checking for yourself, or not knowing?

twoclimbingboys Thu 06-Aug-09 22:48:41

If you phone the switchboard at the force DH is in and ask if PC 1111 is on duty - a msg is NOT automatically left for the officer. It would only be if you actually left a msg. You could just be a witness who needs to book to see him to make a statement etc.

Even if you did get caught checking his phone, I think you could justify it tbh - it is his inconsiderate behaviour (mentioned on your previous thread) that has made you have doubts.

MuthaHubbard Thu 06-Aug-09 22:49:41

tbh i would rather know than worry about getting caught.

i don't think they would tell him - if you ring the main police number (ours is 0845...type number) and just ask if PC1234 is on duty today...i have done this before when ringing people from work and don't think they've been told - have been asked if i want comms to send them an email but i've said i'll just get in touch when they are next on. maybe you could get someone to ring for you?

Superduperloopthelooper Thu 06-Aug-09 22:58:19

My exh is a police officer. His behaviour changed - he went from leaving his mobile anywhere, forgetting to charge it and being happy for me to check messages that beeped through to taking it into the loo with him, taking it on a run, using a code to lock get the picture.

I did once manage to check it, and it had a message on it from a female colleague (her name had been dropped into conversation a lot). The text mentioned them both making their way into work that morning and that she hoped it had not been noticed that they were together. I confronted him and, somehow hmm, he managed to persuade me it was wasn't sad.

I did ring the non-emergency number once and give my exh's shoulder no. to ask whether he was in (he gave this info as standard to people so it was not a big deal and did not get reported back to him).

I think that the job is more of a lifestyle than just work. There is opportunity and availability if your dh wishes to have an affair. That said, lots of police officers have been married a long time and value what they have at home.

Your instincts seem to be shouting at you at the moment. I know that it is frowned upon but I agree that you need to check his phone, if only for your own peace of mind. If necessary, switch it off and say the battery must have died if you are about to get caught...

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