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My DP left yesterday

(6 Posts)
Luccee Sun 02-Aug-09 08:07:29

Sorry in advance for the long post. After months of uncertainty and indecision we finally had THE talk yesterday and DP said he thought we should split up.

I guess I had known this was coming and that I would somehow feel better finally making the official. But I just feel so much more awful. We both agreed we'd been unhappy for a while, but this is so much worse.

Our problems stem from the fact I am really ready to start a family and he isn't. He has said he's just 'not excited' about marrying me I don't see marriage as a prerequisite for having a family but he does, and I didn't want to take such a momentous step with someone who wasn't 'excited' about a future with me. We've been living together for over 3 years, but it's really gotten worse since I turned 30 a few months ago (I have some underlying health issues which means I need to start trying sooner rather than later if I want kids).

He spent the night with friends last night and I was meant to think about what I wanted to do next so we could talk about it today. But I just feel sick when I try to think of the practicalities. I will have to leave our flat (which he owns), I moved to London to be with him so all of 'my' friends are really his friends, and my real family and friends are on the other side of the world. I don't know what to say when he comes back ... all I really want is for us to stay together.

aurynne Sun 02-Aug-09 08:20:13

Luccee, I am so sorry for what you're going through! But you are definitely right, if after 3 years together he is not "excited" about taking the next step, then I am afraid you're wasting your time. Of course, that's what your head tells you, but convincing the heart is a different matter.

Where is your family? You mention "the other side of the World", I am in New Zealand. Are you a Kiwi?

Just please don't despair and take things one step at a time. Talk to him today and try to get an agreement that is good for the two of you. Have you thought about taking some holidays on your own, or with some friends?

Big big (((((HUG)))) for you!!!

Luccee Sun 02-Aug-09 08:32:28

Thanks aurynne. You're right, my head is telling me it's the right thing, but it sure doesn't feel like it is. I keep thinking that if I had been less pushy about taking our relationship forward then he would have come around eventually (unlikely, I know). Everything else in our relationship was really good, but the question of 'but what next?' has been hanging over us for too long.

I'm Aussie actually, but don't hold it against me smile

I would like nothing more than to get away, but I have just started a new job. I'm dreading going in to work tomorrow morning and trying to pretend I'm fine sad

aurynne Sun 02-Aug-09 09:35:22

Well, at least your new job will give you a fresh start and lots of new things to do, probably new friends too! I know it's very easy to fall for the "if I had done this or that", but the fact is, you have been honest with him and opened your heart to him. What can be more honest that letting someone know you want him to be your husband and the father of your children? If having a family is important to you, and in your case you need to start "early" due to your health, then you are doing what you have to do.

It is going to be tough, but you sound like a person with a clear mind and determination. You traveled half of the World to pursue a relationship you thought would work. It did not work this time, but it will work the next one. Just keep fighting.

Best of luck!

HolyGuacamole Sun 02-Aug-09 18:10:51

Some great advice here. The biggest thing that you will eventually realise in time is that you are doing the right thing. To jump into marriage and children under these circumstances would be wrong for you as a person and you'd end up being very unhappy and more stuck because of the legalities of marriage and the bond of children.

Do you think you will stay here in this country? Whatever you choose will be for the best. Actually is is a very brave thing that you are both facing up to, it is all too easy to plod on, pretending everything is ok, or to 'settle' for someone you are not sure about sad

You will get thru this and you will look back one day and count your lucky blessings but I know you won't see that right now.

Best of luck to you.

Luccee Mon 03-Aug-09 08:00:37

HolyGuacamole, Aurynn, thanks for your support. I am feeling more reconciled with it than I was yesterday. I know ending the relationship is the right thing - I just hope it will feel like the right thing soon.

But I feel really sad when I think about the other things I will be losing. With my own family so far away, his family has become a surrogate to me. I know 'our' friends will just be 'his' friends from now on. And I guess it's selfish, but I hate that our beautiful home, that we spent endless weekends furnishing and making our own, will just be his home from now on.

But when I'm being rational, I'm trying to see this as an opportunity. I will stay in London - I love it here, and I hope I'll be able to make friends that are my own.

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