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Can someone help me get some perspective on this please

(7 Posts)
ilovetrees Sat 01-Aug-09 23:50:51

To cut a long story short, I've been separated from xh for about 1.5 years. He was and still is incredibly controlling and made my life hell.

Tonight was my weekend with ds and I took him to the local carnival. I text his dad and told him that we wouldn't be at home when he called because we were at the carnival and that ds would call afterwards. At the carnival xh turns up and comes and stands with me, ds and my friends. It was horrible and very uncomfortable and then ds watched carnival with xh and not me, even though I took him and wanted to watch it with him. He left at about 7.30 having spent over half hour with ds.

Within 15 minutes there was a call on my mobile accusing me of putting the phone down on xh and demanding that I call him back immediately. Think he wanted to say goodnight to ds despite having just seen him. I ignored this.

When we got home, ds rang him but it went to answer phone so he left a message. I then put him to bed as it was 9.15 by this time. I then took a phone call and at the same time received several messages from xh asking me to cut short my phone call so that he could say goodnight to ds. It was very late and I didn't want to cut short my phone call for what seemed an unnecessary call since he had only just seen ds. I text him to say he could ring mobile which he wouldn't do. After several texts from him insisting I put the phone down, he rang the mobile but it kept cutting out. In the end I rang his mobile but it just went to answer phone. By this time it's 10 pm and I was sick of his horrible messages so I turned my mobile off. I then heard a car outside the house and looked out of the window to see him sitting there. I was freaked out by this time and in tears on phone to my partner who was trying to calm me down. Xh then seemed to drive off.

I turned my phone on about 5 minutes ago to quite a few texts and messages telling me that if he didn't get to speak to ds then he would call the police to get a welfare check done on him and that I was blocking telephone contact with ds.

I bend over backwards to make sure he gets as much contact as he wants. I never say no unless I have something specific planned.

Is he being a complete abusive idiot. I feel like I've done something wrong and am so confused. Would really like some feedback on this one as I feel like I'm going crazy.

Sorry this is so long.

TitsalinaBumsquash Sat 01-Aug-09 23:54:06

Oh god poor you!

He sounds like a real control freak and yes it is abusive, its like hes playing mind games. Can your partner come and stay with you? or a friend. its terrible that you feel so scared around the father of your child.

Chunkamatic Sat 01-Aug-09 23:58:56

He sounds awful and that is threatening behaviour imo.

I haven't got any advice i'm afraid but you have my sympathy as that is a difficult situation to be in. Fwiw I think you did entirely the right things all day.

HolyGuacamole Sun 02-Aug-09 00:08:18

I don't have any advice either but just wanted to say what a wanker. That is outrageous the way he is treating you, head games and this horrible, threatening manner.

I'd probably keep the texts if I were you and records of the phone calls and make sure you keep your RL family/friends aware of what is happening. You cannot live your life being held to ransom by some creep who gets his kicks from controlling you. I don't know what the answer is, but wise MNers will be along soon to help.

ilovetrees Sun 02-Aug-09 00:10:46

Thanks so much for replying both of you. I get so confused and feel like I've got no idea of right or wrong amongst the guilt trips he gives me.

I suppose I could have come off the phone but he had spent time with ds just hour and half earlier. Don't want to give in to him all the time.

Problem is now that he will be devising a new way to hurt me and will not sabotage already delicate divorce and house selling arrangements. I won't have seen the last of this as I know by very bitter experience. He can't help himself.

Crap I'm so sick of this and can't see things improving.

Chunkamatic Sun 02-Aug-09 00:20:00

HG I was going to suggest keeping a record too, good advice! You may not ever come to need it but worst case scenario that you have to get an injunction on him you might be glad you did (although I do hope for the sake of you DS it doesn't get that far)

skidoodle Sun 02-Aug-09 08:31:40

Start keeping a record/diary of every time he behaves in a controlling way - that includes showing up to the carnival uninvited.

Have the police been involved before? It might be time to think about getting in touch with them about his intimidating behaviour.

I would be very concerned by the conduct you describe.

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