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feeling a little deflated n unsure at the mo, can I have reassurance that it's not the end of the world please!!

(16 Posts)
thesouthsbelle Sat 01-Aug-09 14:33:40

basically, I have a long history of meeting/going out with abusive men, steming from when I was 14, and involved with a 14 year old (he was v v possessive, manipulative & bascially would hit me if I said something he didn't like) then met XH (had a few school girl things inbeteen times thou) he turned out to be similar, well pushed me around a bit, manioulative v controlling, cheated, would spend every last penny so I havd to juggle everything all the time, racked up huge debts, then finally walked out 2 years ago (he did) - but it was the most liberating time for me - after the inital shock etc etc. It made me realise that we ha a v unhealthy and abusive relationship (something before I would never have admitted as I married for life no matter what) anyhow then a fling about 6 months after which ended with him saying 'once I knew I could never love u it had to end??!' he was v controlling. and v manipulative - to the point a friend of his & I were not allowed to talk without him being around etc. then latest DP, no intention of getting a job, lied from the start about his whole situation and I spent a lot of time thinking he was actually going to be something he wasn't. eventually I realised he wasn't and ended things. He was emotionally manipulative (tears literally every day cos he thought I was gonna walk out) etc etc.

latest DP (XP) has it would seem got over the whole thing within a month, even thou I was the love of his life, he couldn't eat or sleep without me etc etc (literally used every thing in the book) including getting his dad to ring me) anyhow I just don't understand it I really don't - still least he's moving on right??!

I'm pretty sure i've done the right thing - the day split up with him I woke up smiling for the first time in months (he'd accused me of bringing him down btw and I was the reason he was on anti depressants and he knew he didn't need them) - to be fair here, he lives at home and doesn't work & has not real friends to call his own. (is 29) I on the other hand work hvae a house study & have my son/a select small group of friends.

I don't want to get involved with any one else right now - I think it's a good idea to have some CBT and take time out for both my son & I to heal properly. however I'm worried,

Will I always be drawn to blokes who treat m like shit.
will I be on my own for the rest of my life?
is the best we can expect now?

sorry am wallowing a bit really and really shouldn't be as generally my life is v good (at least 1000 times better than it has been, just having a bit of a low day)

thesouthsbelle Sat 01-Aug-09 14:34:09

oops sorry that's a long whining moan. blush

Flgihtattendant Sat 01-Aug-09 14:38:03

sad for you, I'm the last person capable of sane advice at the mo, but didn't want to post and run xx

thesouthsbelle Sat 01-Aug-09 14:41:22

(sorry that should say I was 14 and he was 21)

how are you FA?

MuthaHubbard Sat 01-Aug-09 14:46:59

just wanted to say you are definitely doing the right thing. i have no experience of the type of relationships you've had, but the fact that you said you woke with a smile on our face for the first time in months after ending things with your ex, speaks volumes.

definitely get the therapy/counselling you need and concentrate on doing what you want and making you and your ds happy.

everyone has a bit of a wallow or down day sometimes so don't be too hard on yourself. you should be pleased you've managed to get out of some bad relationships and that you can and will make things better.

Flgihtattendant Sat 01-Aug-09 14:47:59

Sorry having a crap day too - at least we're not the only ones, hey smile

Fwiw, I think you have done exactly the right thing - you are on the right track, so to speak.

I can't answer the one about will I always be alone - that's how I feel atm. So not very cheerful answer for you!! smile

I hope things perk up a bit later.

sparkybint Sat 01-Aug-09 15:11:31

Hello SB from SB. No I don't (think you'll carry on being drawn to men who treat you like shit). You've ended your most recent relationship because you don't want to do that anymore and have decided to take some time out. CBT probably a good idea too but the best thing is, you feel happier because you're back in control and you won't want to lose that.

I'd been in abusive relationships from age 17 to nearly 50 when my exH and I separated and it took me far longer to wake up but at least I have now! The good thing is you've done it far sooner and now your life can be better. Good luck.

thesouthsbelle Sat 01-Aug-09 15:45:57

thanks guys, it's good to have another POV that isn't mums & bias! lol.

SB - glad you've 'got out' as it were. it's liberating isn't it.

I think part of the prob is i'm second guessing myself - as in was it the right thing to split with XP? would things have improved? was it me that was the problem as he keeps saying? apparently he's living it up big time now and is achieving things.

then again thou deep down and I had a hard call to make as I had introduced DS to him (shan't b doing that again!) I knew that he wouldn't change, and I knew I would spend the rest of my life struggling with him. which I def don't want for DS. also every little thing annoyed me about him & he used to make me flinch as wel at times when he touched me - not good!

thesouthsbelle Sat 01-Aug-09 21:10:38

ho hum..

aurynne Sat 01-Aug-09 22:57:52

Hi belle,

The pattern you have with boyfriends seems very similar to the one I used to have, though mine was not as extreme. I might be wrong, but you give me the impression that you are attracted by guys who seem to "need help" and end up taking the hand you offer, plus the arm and the rest of your body . The manipulative strain in them does not show until later. Am I right here?

You have gone through the most difficult part, which is identifying your problem and taking time off. My advice would be to be careful about identifying that pattern from the beginning in the future. When I met my actual DP, the first thing I noticed very early in the relationship was: "Wow, this guy is not a BOY, he's a MAN!". And it had nothing to do with age, but with maturity. Manipulative partners are usually stuck in the "boy" (usually "teenager") mentality.

Be very wary of guys who show low self-esteem , indecisive ones, or the ones who will say that "you're exactly what I was looking from" from day one. You cannot control who you get attracted to, but you CAN keep away from guys who could be similar to the previous ones you've gone out with, before you fall in love with them.

One thing that took me ages to learn was this: you are not responsible for anyone else's life. Manipulative partners love the psychological blackmail thing ("What would I do without you? If you leave me I will kill myself!") and end up making you feel you are guilty of everything bad in their lives. Keep away from them! No one forces you to be their girlfriend. You are free to be with who you want. A good partner will take care of you as much as you take care of him, and will be with you because he loves you, not because he needs you.

Good luck!

thesouthsbelle Sun 02-Aug-09 07:32:12

yes aur, thanks for you post, you've just described it exactly. I do tend to go for that type, and when I met XP (can't recall really with XH as It was so many moons ago! lol) but he was really pushy, then said 'do u know how much courage it took for me to kiss you' followed by intimidation on the phone then called me a coward when I hung up on him cos I wasn't prepared to put up with it. - That is his issues and manipulation right not mine? (XP seems to enjoy playing the victim)

Still feeling a bit wobbaly but am fed up of going from one disaster to another.

So how do you break the habit then? (as I say think i'm going to talk to the dr about cbt, have looked into it privately but tbh not sure I can afford it.

aurynne Sun 02-Aug-09 08:29:36

For me the cycle ended when my DP found me... I wasn't looking for anyone at the time and he came totally out of the blue... and blew me away! As I mentioned, from the beginning I noticed he was so different from the previous ones, and this time I was ready.

After you previous experiences you have learned to identify the patterns. I would advice you to run away a mile every time one of these kind of guys approaches you, long before you start feeling anything. Be more selfish, don't try to solve everyone else's problems unless they are good friends.

At the moment I agree with you in that you need to take some time off, relax, enjoy some quality time with your son and your friends, and keep relationships at the bottom of your list. If you are stressed and hurt you will be a magnet for the same kind of person. If you are confident and relax, the right one will find you eventually


thesouthsbelle Sun 02-Aug-09 08:33:19

thanks, i'll try. it alwasy seems to be well I was with XP within 2 months of splitting form the one prior, and he came along althou 6 months after I split from XH he was really a rebound thing.

ho hum... lol.

Just be nice to know there's some nice men out there, and at 27 I haven't missed the boat yet, and could possibly have more children/re marry etc, (am a bit worried i'll end up an old spinster no one will want!)

aurynne Sun 02-Aug-09 09:26:09

Geez girl, I am 33 and found my man 6 months ago. You have ages to do whatever you want! So get out and have fun, it's an order!!!

thesouthsbelle Sun 02-Aug-09 09:29:18

yes ma'am!

thesouthsbelle Sun 02-Aug-09 09:29:23

yes ma'am!

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