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What would you do... I can't "do this" anymore...

(13 Posts)
fluxy3 Sat 01-Aug-09 11:45:43

...yet another heated discussion about the state of our relationship and how nothing has changed after £100's spent at relate... DS upset again, begging us to stop arguing...I'm in tears, H is doing his usual of just sitting talking in his low calm voice, smirking slightly and throwing everything back at me, then, ever so calmly backtracking....
I'm trying hard not to raise my voice... trying hard not to get upset, trying hard to be reasonable.....
We have been invited out tonight for dinner and drinks with my work colleagues, he does not know them at all. I don't know what to do... things are not good between us and I really can't face putting on the act... trouble is everyone else are couples.... should we just go and put on the act, cancel or me just go by myself?

GypsyMoth Sat 01-Aug-09 11:48:37

i'd ask him what he wants to do,as the whole evening will be dictated by his mood! i'd hope he'd rather stay at home. sounds like you're on eggshells all the time!

bubblagirl Sat 01-Aug-09 11:57:12

go by yourself and say last min babysitting problems he's had to stay at home no point in going if going to feel false and treading on egg shells especially if both will be drinking easy to fall into silly rows again

unfortunately im in similar situation if going round in circles and really not getting on then leaving would be best option for your child and your own mental states salvage what you can of being amicable and remaining civil with one another

go out on your own get some breathing space but if it really isnt working the short term pain you feel of leaving will be better than long term pain of staying you have clearly done all you can to try and save the relationship and its not worked good luck

fluxy3 Sat 01-Aug-09 12:35:29

thank you... I have decided to just go on my own... if he comes with me I will have to take the kids, although the children are invited too. They are 12, 12 and 9... so I will just say that they didn't want to come.
I'm so sick of putting on the pretence... he is not violent, abusive or anything untoward to me.... but after everything him and his family have put me through all feelings have gone for him and I quite simply do not even like him. This has gone on for 2 years at least and most probably for most of the relationship. You know, he mocks me for the way I feel about things and refuses to see that the fact that he lied to me about something very significant has had a huge effect on how I feel towards him.
It's just so sad.

GypsyMoth Sat 01-Aug-09 12:39:27

i feel for you.
my ex was like this,but violent as well.

in the end,when we left (took kids) i have to say,it was best thing ever

bubblagirl Sat 01-Aug-09 13:10:04

im really very sorry for you i know how you feel i really do im in the midst of having to make a huge decision again not with a violent man maybe slightly verbally and mentally abusive not major but i just have had enough were don't seem to move forward time passes but we stay the same its not enough for me any more good luck

fluxy3 Sat 01-Aug-09 15:12:06

I'm exhausted by it all actually.. I'm in my early 40's and feel as though I have wasted a good 5-6 years of my life trying to deal with this relationship. Things were never THAT great and in fact things got worse when we got married.. if the truth be known we should never have got married in the first place... something his DM reminded me of just recently.
I'm also having to deal with the effect his behaviour and mine is having on one of my DD.

I just want to walk away from it all.

bubblagirl Sat 01-Aug-09 16:42:38

for your own sake sounds like you should you wouldnt be walking away wandering if you could have made it work you have tried all you can and now think of the children and your own well being

im actually thinking of taking my own advise lol its not been an easy decision its not been made lightly we also have been trying for 3 yrs to amke it work but its just going round and round and if we can be amicable then i would prefer this i know deep down dp dont want me gone but he will not change his ways and i cannot keep asking and him not doing i cant change who he is and this is him now he seems happy this way

VelvetPlum Sat 01-Aug-09 16:58:43

Stop arguing in front of your children.

bubblagirl Sat 01-Aug-09 17:02:32

sometimes being human arguments do happen in front of children i myself know i try very hard not to argue in front of my child as does op from the sounds of things

K999 Sat 01-Aug-09 17:05:53

I was in a crap marriage once and like you knew that we should never have married in the first place. Then dd1 came along and we plodded on. In the end, I realised that I was subjecting dd1 to living in a crappy and unhealthy environment and that she was going to grow up thinking that that was what a marriage was like...so I left and it was the best thing I ever did! And for dd1 too. I am now with someone else and have dd2. I am finally with someone who treats me with the love and respect that I deserve.

IMO theres no point being miserable. Lifes too short....smile

fluxy3 Mon 03-Aug-09 09:01:59

So I went along to the work colleagues house... not good. I felt very uncomfortable as EVERYONE was a couple and I was the only person alone.... thankfully I'd had a problem with my car and it needed to be towed home. I felt really bad for leaving early and creating a bit of drama, but was also relieved a little. I felt so awkward and alone, it was not a nice feeling, also having to bend the truth about why H and kids weren't with me.
I ended up having some wine and dancing by myself in a vane attempt to have some 'fun'.

bubblagirl Mon 03-Aug-09 10:04:10

well you tried and you stood your ground against dh at least that you would go alone rather than pretend all ok so well done for that it may have been uncomfortable but at least you done it

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