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Once a commitmentphobe, always a commitmentphobe?

(4 Posts)
IfNotNowWhen Fri 31-Jul-09 19:42:33

Ladies: could do with a bit of perspective as I'm in a muddle.

I have a boyfriend of about two months. Fancied each other the moment we met but I knew he was trouble (he has what might be termed 'a track record' and a 'reputation' - we have lots of mutual friends)and steered well clear. But he's fun, witty, an outrageous flirt - and we decided to give it a go. It took him the best part of a year to pursuade me this was a good idea.

In some ways it has been bliss - the times when we relax in each other's company we have an amazing emotional connection and an obvious physical attraction. Absolute headlong falling in love, headover heels joy etc etc.

BUT: we live in different places. When we are apart he is very full on, but when we are together he can have a tendency to push me away emotionally. He won't come and visit me, but I spend weekends in his area (and have for years). I'm finding this difficult to deal with. My instinct is to run a mile. But he's quite a difficult person, with OCD/ Aspergers tendencies (genuine, but mild) and quite odd. None of that bothers me - you love who you love. But sometimes he just doesn't seem to want to spend time with me. He tells me I am emotionally unstable (I am, this week! I am quite demonstrative with my emotions, especially when they are strong) and seems to use this as an excuse to withdraw. He is, by very wide agreement, a commitmentphobe. Not just in relationships - making everyday plans seems to be difficult for him. We had our first 'meltdown' this week - about not spending enough time together - but he seems reluctant to talk about why I was so upset and so I don't feel as though I have got anywhere further forward - just that I had a strop and am still upset.

I worry that I am making excuses for the way he's treating me because he's 'not normal' - and obviously because I would like things to work out between us.

So two questions:
- Does anyone have any experience of boyfriends with OCD - and what should I expect? (How long is a piece of string, I know...)
- Once a commitmentphobe, always a commitmentphobe?

I appreciate your views - thank you!

hambo Fri 31-Jul-09 19:47:15

My boyfriend was a he is my husband and we have two children.

He made up his mind to commit, but you can't make that happen. It only happened when I said, ok I am off!!

If you say that you have to mean it. It is good though - you save wasting any time with him if he really is a commitment phobe; and if it makes him realise that he cant live without you then tha is even better!!

IfNotNowWhen Fri 31-Jul-09 19:50:37

Thank you hambo: lovely to hear the happy ending!

I would definitely walk away - it's not what I want to do, but I don't see the point of a virtual relationship...

hambo Fri 31-Jul-09 19:54:01

I wish you all the luck - it is horrible to be in an uncertain place, ( I have been there many many times!!)....

Just remember that you are meant to feel happy in a relationship!!

My mum always says, 'It all goes down hill' (cheery soul!!) so start off strong.


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