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don't know if i can explain this properly... but would like your thoughts

(9 Posts)
wheniwishuponastar Fri 31-Jul-09 15:11:17

Dear all,
I've been reading the threads for a little bit and now would like to contribute.
I'm interested in hearing what others think, although i hope i don't just get shouted at!
Basically its about my boyfriend.
He's 31, I'm 32.
We've been together 8 years.
He had quite a challenging childhood (who didn't?). His father became an alcoholic and died (my boyfriend thinks he let himself die) when my bf was about 11. At 7, his mother had an affair with the mother of my boyfriends friend from nursery. They had a relationship for 25 odd years. They had a civil ceremony a few years ago. Then the partner died a year and a half ago from cancer.
So my boyfriend when he was young, had an alcoholic father who died, and was brought up by two mums. His mum retrained to be a psychotherapist around this time. He got into music, drugs, etc. as teenagers do.
The thing i am worried about is that he smokes weed pretty much everyday. We have talked about this a lot. At first i really wanted him to stop and have counselling.
Now, I have come to accept that he has to do things in his own time.
The backdrop against this is that i had a nervous breakdown 6 years ago after a few years of depression and insomnia. I was carted off to hospital. I thought he would leave me, but he was incredibly supportive. He has been amazing. Although not perfect, we do talk about everything and anything. He cooks me amazing restaurant standard meals pretty much every night. Contributes significantly to the housework. Works very hard in his job, and financially supports me when he can (if i need it) - though our relationship is fairly mutual/equal.
I have had a lot of relationships since i started dating at 15. And this is definitely the best so far. There have been a couple of boys who were as devoted, but i was not as attracted to them/found them annoying!
This relationship seems the most mutual and strong.
I have also been in therapy since my breakdown which has been great, and i have overcome alot.
So, his arguments for smoking weed are that, he has used it over the years and he always seems to have a good (or at least not a bad) reaction to it. As his father was an alcoholic, he says he doesn't want to use alcohol to relax and wind down. He says alcohol is more physically addictive.
I know it is not ideal.
During my own problems i have been prescribed medications from the doctor. In an ideal world i would encourage him to get medication from the doctor. But my own experiences of this have been FAR from perfect. The prozac i was given at the drop of the hat had a much worse reaction with me than any of the drugs i took as a teenager with my friends.
I have talked to him about having counselling/therapy for years. He says he is not totally against it. But had it when he was younger. He tried again recently but didn't take to it.
He says for him going to the gym is better. In a way i am all for encouraging him to do the things that he thinks are helpful (like going to the gym).
I don't know if I'm worrying about nothing. But I do worry that it wouldn't be a good idea to have children with this going on. After living together for 5 years (and he is the best person i have ever lived with) we are buying a house together, and are engaged to be married. He says we should wait another few years after all before trying for children. As he is aware that he should be as mentally healthy as possible.
I don't know what I'm saying really.
On the one hand, this is the best relationship. But on the other it feels like a massive gamble to see if he manages to get where he needs to be in order to have children. (I am working hard on myself as well.)
I guess i just find it really frustrating when i come home and see him smoking, when i am 32 and thinking of getting married, buying a house and having kids. i think, would i think the same if he were taking medication, or having a glass a wine?
In some ways i think marijuana are better solutions that both those two (i know that might sound crazy), but because it is illegal i can't really talk to my friends or family about it.
And people seem to have knee jerk reactions, either what are you worrying about, its only a joint, or yeah its awful, don't settle down with him.
i can't get a sense of what the reality really is. i guess its a gamble. maybe i just need to find an answer to each worry i have and remind myself what i have decided about each thing when i think of it.
By the way, i have a full time job, don't do any drugs myself.
I realise i might come across as someone a bit unstable (mainly because i've been telling you about the psychological stuff!) And i guess i have been. I was a straight A student at school, got a first for a degree, and am MA, so am capable of putting my mind to things!

posieparkerinChina Fri 31-Jul-09 15:19:20

I guess if it bothers you, it's worth dealing with. The weed may bring him to a normal place (which is a little worrying) or it will get him stoned (equally as worrying). I was a habitual weed smoker, skunk usually and it becomes 'the end of the day' the 'time to relax', not the time to get stoned. I think it's better than booze, never heard of anyone smoking themselves to death or beating their loved ones because they were stoned. But in an ideal world it would be nice if you and your, potential, life partner were on the same wave length and if you're going to have children there are a whole world of situations in which being stoned, or under the influence, is not appropriate.
I think it's likely that your DH has an addictive personality an inherited one.

I'll come back to this but DC4 is stirring so I may have to break off.

FWIW the weed never seems such a bad thing when you're doing it, no big deal but it is a frightening thing to give up. I took a long holiday to Thailand (a country where I would be too scared to do it) and never smoked it again. I know, from pas experience, that I love the stuff and would have to give it up completely as having it near me would make old habits come back.

You don't come across as unstable.

mrsboogie Fri 31-Jul-09 15:34:47

I think the first question you have to ask when you are considering whether someone has a problem or addiction is does the habit have a deterimental effect on their daily life or that of their family? You haven't made it sound as if it does in your case.

Does it bother you that he smokes weed or does it bother you because you think it should?

if everything else is your life with him makes you happy and this doesn't make you unhappy then I can't see that there's a problem at the moment. (OK I know it is illegal and although I have nothing against it personally I do think that the smoking aspect is quite a serious risk to your health) but aside from that? does it make him lazy? boring? lethargic? lacking in libido?

You must make it clear to him however that he would have to give it up and get clean before you have kids or at least cutting it down to a minimum if he can't or won't then maybe its a problem?

wheniwishuponastar Fri 31-Jul-09 16:37:55

thanks so much for your messages, i really appreciate them. it does make it a bit clearer for me.
he was smoking skunk when i first met him (although i didn't realise thats what it was really). i've done my best to encourage him to just smoke regular marijuana rather than skunk, he said it was much harder to come by, but pretty much does just smoke marijuana now.
whenever we have a foreign holiday he doesn't smoke (2 weeks or so). He's ok like that but then we don't have the normal stresses of life, job, family, etc.
For the most part i don't totally mind him smoking it. His short term memory is pretty bad. But i've kind of rationalised this to myself as a disability that i should be tolerant to. (both my parents have disabilities which i navigate around).
Also, when he has tried to stop before when we were in our normal life (work etc.) he becomes very hyperactive. and i just think, chill out! (Have a joint! no, not really)
i really wish there was a drug counsellor i could refer him too. I did phone up but it was all Crack support. I even phoned Frank but they were completely useless!
There is a place that does coming off marijuana courses, but they've stopped doing them. I bought their book which i thought was v good, but my bf hates self help books(!)
Bf knows i won't be happy him smoking while we have kids, and i've said i don't want him having to give up while i'm pregnant, or when they are just born. He knows this but whether he will do it or not i don't know.
I guess i just have to decide if i will support him or not.
i could break free and forget it.
or i can be patient and supportive and accept that if he never gets to the stage where he is fit to have children, (and lets face it, i'm hardly perfect so who knows if i could do it anyway) then that's how it is.
Just feels like a bit of a dramatic decision.
No, its not really a problem now, its only an issue when/if we have children. And that is something that is hard to predict. I guess all i can do is try and cultivate the best chance of it turning out for the best. And hope it does. And if it doesn't, just accept that.

wheniwishuponastar Fri 31-Jul-09 19:08:41

hi again. can anyone recommend anyone i can go to for support with this, or any organisation? many thanks!

posieparkerinChina Sat 01-Aug-09 03:35:26

But there's no physical addiction, just habit and mental addiction. I smoked everyday for over ten years and I promise I had no side effects. The hardest part was making the decision to stop. I can't recommend anyone or group.... but I'm sure there must be a group.

My suggestion would be to keep your bf very busy in the evenings and maybe suggest a long walk when he would normally skin up.

wheniwishuponastar Sat 01-Aug-09 08:26:32

Thats a good idea, thanks. Don't know if i could persuade him to go for a walk, but i'll certainly give it a try. he does want to lose weight. i think he'd probably skin up before and after (if not even during!) the walk. but i guess after a while he might begin to cut down.
the thailand idea was good as well.
i guess i might have to accept that he may smoke until i become pregnant, which means its a risk, because i dont know if he'll actually give it up.
in answer to your earlier questions mrs boogie. he definitely doesn't lack in libido. i can't keep up at all. does it make him lazy boring lethargic? i dont know really. he claims not(!) because he works hard at home and at work. i would say it makes him relaxed, laid back. and compared to what? compared to him without weed? that's difficult to say because he's been smoking it for so long. compared to other boyfriends? not really. compared to me - i used to be completely hyperactive, and have had to learn to chill out! he did used to be completely awful at timekeeping (which i think is part of his laid back stoner attitude). it used to drive me nuts and for the most part he has changed this. he's never late for me anyway.

posieparkerinChina Sat 01-Aug-09 15:44:50

Can't he talk to his GP or someone about getting help? Do you have the money for private detox???

I wonder what he thinks of himself without weed? perhaps it's part of his identity for both of you? I think before dcs you really need to get to know him and ensure you both like him minus the stoned times.

wheniwishuponastar Sun 02-Aug-09 02:26:03

He has been to his gp, but they didnt have any suggestions.

I've looked into rehab. It costs thousands as far as I can see.

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