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Keep trying or time to throw in the blanket ?

(5 Posts)
bunnymoo Fri 31-Jul-09 14:52:54

Where do I start? Any help/advice will be greatly appreciated .... I am 45 with a 17-year old son (from earlier relationship)and work full time. I have been with DP (also 45)for six years, living together for four. DP has daughter aged 10 who is with us every weekend from Fri to Sun eve. Relationship was good (obviously) at the beginning and thought I'd found a good man. He seemed very caring and I liked the fact that he made decisions - completely opposite to XP. However, few niggles set in from the outset. First time at family gathering (my Mum & Dad's Wedding Anniversary) DP got drunk and insisted driving car with his daughter in back (I made sure my son travelled with my Mum & Dad). Ended up in hedge and I insisted on driving. Shortly afterwards, attended further family gathering and same thing happened except this time he got out of car but refused to get in passenger seat telling me he was embarrassed to be driven by a woman. Both children were in the car this time as we were staying at a hotel. He's also driven his car into a wall whilst drunk, with me in the passenger seat.

DP had bad start in life. In a nutshell, he was abused (beaten) by his mother and stepfather, ran away age 11 and lived in hippy commune. Heavily into drugs/alcohol for most of life. Gave up drugs at the age of 30 and only gave up the alcohol about 3 weeks before I met him, despite the fact I was led to believe he had given this up years before. Although alarm bells were ringing I still ignored them as I thought things would change.

As time has gone on DP has criticized my friends, didn't want to meet go out with them always found an excuse. Gradually drifted away from most of them. Found out that he gets extremely stressed very quickly, can't take a joke, likes to be centre of attention, will only discuss something when he's in the mood to talk. I have been subjected to verbal abuse on numerous occasions normally when he has had a stressful day and then had a drink. I have given him several ultimatums but never been strong enough to carry them through.

We argue about each other's children and he has admitted he says things about my son to wind me up. I look after his daughter every Saturday while he works and have recently told him that I need some ME time and am not prepared to do this every weekend when I work FT. Although he has accepted this, he still keeps throwing it in my face when we argue intimating that I am being unhelpful.

We attempted counselling - but he told me he didn't like the counsellor because he could see she was going to pick on him.

I'm no angel but am normally a happy go lucky person full of life but my bubbles have disappeared and I can't keep treading on eggshells. There's so much more but would bore you.

Can anybody offer me any help? I feel too much has happened now to carry on but should I still fight for the man I know is inside?

sayithowitis Fri 31-Jul-09 15:07:54

I don't really have any advice, but I do hav a question. What on earth does this man have that is so wonderful that you would put up with this from him? Would it be such a hardship for you to not be with him? And if it would, is that because you want the real him ( which is the one I think you are seeing right now) or the one that exists in your fantasy of what this relationship could be?

HolyGuacamole Fri 31-Jul-09 15:08:14

Well unfortunately, nobody can tell you what to do, that can only come from you.

Ask yourself if you had a crystal ball and could see 5 years into the future and he was still the same - would you change things? Would you still be there?

A big factor is the fact that he lied about the drinking at the start, making you believe that he had stopped, and then he has continued to drink. Only he can change this and if he couldn't do it then, what will make him do it now?

Perhaps he didn't like to hear the truth from the counseller, too near the knuckle for him? Or deep down inside he doesn't want to, or is not ready to change?

I don't think you can change a person, no matter who you are. Perhaps the shock of you leaving would nudge him into it? If you leave and he doesn't change of his own accord, then you will be able to see that you never wasted more of your life on the relationship? If you leave and he does change, then maybe you can sort things out? Either way, you win.

The risk of staying is that in 5 or 10 years time, this will stay the same, or get worse.

mrsboogie Fri 31-Jul-09 15:48:34

Dear Lord. Embarrased to be driven by a woman but not embarrased to drive drunk with his young child and partner in the car, crash and do it again and again?

That alone would be the deal breaker. I wouldn't give him house room. The man doesn't care if his family lives or dies.

bunnymoo Fri 07-Aug-09 13:34:20

Thank you everyone for your comments/advice. Thought I'd updated you. Since I posted last, I managed to find the balls to confront him about not being happy and thinking we need to go separate ways. Started out the usual way with us blaming each other. He stills says I'm selfish, never admit I'm wrong, never say sorry and I'm the only one who can't see it. We decided it wasn't worth keep going around in circles. He asked when he should move out? You see despite the fact that it's his house as well, he says it's mine and he's always felt like the lodger. Told him it needed to be sorted fairly and that we needed to start the ball rolling on getting a valuation in order to sell. He asked me to think about one thing: What was it I really wanted out of life? He was intimating that what we had was enough. We both work full time and because of DD (step) with us each weekend we never go out. I go to family gatherings on my own because he doesn't want to come. Is that enough? I think I've been in a rut for so long I don't actually know? Do any of us really know how we want to spend our old age? He left the ball in my court saying that when I knew what I wanted I was to let him know and he would see if he could give me what I wanted. If not, we would have to sell up. I have been up and down in and out trying to find an answer. Anyway, it was taken out of my hands last night as DP tells me he's off to India on a Harley and the only person he feels sorry for (with respect!) is his DD. Perhaps he is going to join Stella's DP!!! He says he knows now that what he wants is his freedom. TBH I think he's a lost soul. He says once he's gone he probably won't be back and if he gets bored or too down he will just ride off the top of a cliff somewhere. Emotional blackmail? Been there before with an XP and survived. Just don't know if I can handle again? After the way DP has behaved over the last few years and the verbal abuse you'd think I would be able to walk away but still feel like giving him a cuddle. Why is it soooooo difficult. Help anyone?

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