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I am furious and need some advice

(19 Posts)
Mosschops30 Mon 23-May-05 18:59:03

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Twiglett Mon 23-May-05 19:00:16

write to him with your concerns and requests, sleep on it, read it through again maybe post it here

write 'without prejudice' at the top

then send it

Twiglett Mon 23-May-05 19:00:33

that way you should be able to keep emotion out of it

aloha Mon 23-May-05 19:00:49

Um, pour yourself a glass of wine, do some deep breathing and remember, you are the good guy here.
I suspect no good would come of phoning him esp when you are so (justifiably) angry. What does dd think of it all? Did she expect an apology/explanation?

Twiglett Mon 23-May-05 19:01:33

oh yes, glass of wine - good call aloha

debs26 Mon 23-May-05 19:02:07

keep a diary of everything - when he did call, when he didnt, if she was upset, what was said (if you think its relevant). than if the situation becomes damaging to dd you have evidence if you issue proceedings

Mosschops30 Mon 23-May-05 19:07:30

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aloha Mon 23-May-05 20:52:52

If she isn't upset, then I really think you should not call. I suspect if he repeatedly lets her down you will have to be there to pick up the pieces, sadly, but you can't make him change by the sound of things.
I don't understand fathers who behave like this. My dh doesn't live with his daughter but he calls her every night. He'd never let her down.

haven Mon 23-May-05 21:45:57

not sure of the curcumstances here but dd real father would do this all the time...she is 8 now and we haven't been together since she was about two or right long as i brought her to see him or didn't ask for help he was great, but then i filed for child support and she started paying the price..... he doesn't call hardly at all, no birthday, no holiday, no nothing but maybe twice a year when he calls to tell her how busy he has been and then promises to call her every week...of course he doesn't...but since i have put her in counseling because if we would talk about her dad to much she would have like "meltdowns" it hurt me sooooo much....don't think these men or worried to much about these babies...only themselves

haven Mon 23-May-05 21:48:04

one more thing dd is just like your daughter, it is like they are so happy to get that little bit from them they don't want to expect anything else, like they are GOD, they don't do anything wrong...dd would make excuses of why her dad wouldn't call...he is working ( he doesn't work ) or he doesn't have a phone, every excuse imaginable,....

tamula Mon 23-May-05 22:00:30

I forsee calling him as a futile attempt to chnage the errors of his ways, I also believe that you will end up forever calling him and pulling your hair out over his pathetic mannerisms and lack of parenting skills. Just give him enough rope, your dd can make up her own mind when the time comes.

As much as it riles you, it is his choice to be a pr**k and in the long run there will be a price to be paid for that.

deegward Mon 23-May-05 22:04:35

I know its not what you want to hear, but I think at least he phoned tonight, if you intervene it will only back fire on you. Your dd will work out what he is like, and he will pay for this in the future relationship he will have with her. As long as you have a good relationship, don't bad mouth him and encourage her to keep in contact, then all the failure comes from him, and he will regret it in the long term.

Caligula Mon 23-May-05 22:24:02

The problem with putting up with it, of course, is that your dd is being taught that this is what relationships with men are like.

I agree that you should keep a diary and also, make it very clear to your DD that this behaviour from her father is unacceptable. You don't have to badmouth him, but if you say nothing at all, your DD will grow up thinking it's OK, and expecting to be treated like shit by every man with whom she has a relationship.

I don't think it's good enough to sit back and say "she'll realise for herself when she's old enough". No she won't - she'll get involved with a whole load of crap men who treat her like crap, because that's what she's used to. I don't think it's acceptable to allow fathers to behave like this without any comment at all. Your role as a mother is to teach her not to expect or accept this kind of crap treatment. How one does that without badmouthing the father, I really don't know, but I do know that children don't just come through their childhood miraculously knowing what was right and what was wrong - they can go through a whole load of adult pain first, which would have been avoidable had they been taught not to accept that kind of pain as normal.

deegward Mon 23-May-05 22:27:21

I still think it is wrong to enter into the type of conversations "isn't your dad bad not for phoning"etc, I think you can let the child know that this isn't accpetable behaviour by the way you talk about it, and as long as she has a positive parenting model, she WILL have self respect, and WILL NOT accept cr*p from men in the future.

This is not how all men act, this is the act of one man - her father. Ther are some good men out there!

Fio2 Mon 23-May-05 22:29:38

i agree with caligula, and tbh afetr my own fathers actions last week and how they made me feel (at my age!!!) I think it is best sometimes if kids dont seee their parents when they are like this. It isnt fair and it isnt normal. They are adults ffs, if they cant act like them and dont deserve the love attention then to be quite frank they shouldnt have it. Your daughter is worth more than this

Caligula Mon 23-May-05 22:33:14

Agree deegward, but unfortunately, if your father is the primary man in your life, you will take your cues from him in terms of how you relate to other men when you grow up. How much he has boosted your confidence, self-esteem, sense of pride and self-worth, is so important.

Obviously, if there are other male figures around who are doing that job well (family friends, uncles etc.) then it's not so crucial. But most daughters take their primary cues from fathers, because for most daughters, that's the most important adult male in their life. If he's only one of a number of adult male role models, then I think it doesn't matter so much, but if he is really the main one, then I think it matters much more.

Caligula Mon 23-May-05 22:43:07

And I agree, you can't enter into the "Dad is bad" conversation, but you can have the "Daddy isn't a bad person, but his behaviour is bad" conversation. Hate the sin, love the sinner (can you tell I was brought up a catholic? ) Exactly like with children - not "you're a naughty girl for doing that" but "that behaviour is naughty". Exactly the same principle.

Pruni Mon 23-May-05 22:45:24

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Mosschops30 Tue 24-May-05 09:48:05

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