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do i try to save it or 'throw it all away?'

(11 Posts)
iamatriangle Thu 30-Jul-09 17:33:15

(Sorry long) Have been married 10 years and have been pretty happy. Originally thought we were soul mates but over the years my DH seems to have become gradually more obsessed with his work. Things have been difficult so that i have had to cut down on my working hours due tio health issues. I believe he thought he was doing the best for us by working hard to keep a roof over our heads but it has just gone way beyond that now. Every spare minute he spends working (is an absolute perfectionist)and he does love his work although it often stresses him out too.

I have got to the point where i am feeling really lonely becasue I never see him. I have my own hobbies and friends but he literally works every spare minute. We have not had sex since we married (his choice) and although i have asked he cannot give me an explanation. Sometimes i feel so lonely I could cry. I have talked to DH about this many times but got nowhere. Finally in recent months i have become close to another man. i guess you could call it an emotional affair - just a couple of drinks so far but we are very attracted and i am finding it hard to resist.

Finally things came to a head after i ahd been away for the weekend to visit family. DH & i had a row and wanted to know why I was always angry with him. I told him how I felt (not about the other guy) and how i had reached a point where something had to change. we had lots of tears and he agreed his work obsession was wrong but felt he was 'like an addict' and couldn't stop. He still has no answer for the sex thing. I said that if we couldn't resolve things we would have to go separate ways as i couldn't go on, to which he replied, i'd made my decision and 'got what I wanted'.

I'm not sure what i want. Was sort of hoping we could resolve things as it is a lot to throw away. i still love him though don't fancy him anymore after such long abstinance. we have no kids at home. The other man has said he would like a relationship with me but i know there is no guarantee and the grass is not always greener. Money would also be a huge problem if we split up as we are far from rich.

Do i throw away my marriage and take a chance on being happy elsewhere or settle for what i have knowing in all probability that the big issues will never be likely to change, but my DH is kind and pleasant and we have a reasonably comfortable life together. Any advice appreciated.

foofi Thu 30-Jul-09 17:37:38

Wow. There are a lot of women on here who have not had sex for a while, but 10 years? I'm not sure many people would still be together after that.

If you think dh would go for conselling that might be worth a try, otherwise I can't see why you would want to stick around. Sorry.

RealityIsHavingAPartay Thu 30-Jul-09 17:43:49

Message withdrawn

sayithowitis Thu 30-Jul-09 18:46:20

Well, the sex side can certainly be sorted out, but only if you both want to and are committed to doing so. We were in a similar situation to this some while ago. To begin with, there were some health issues on both sides and tbh, by the time they were resolved, we had got out of the habit. We had a conversation and decided that we both wanted that side of our relationship to change and improve. And it has. Immeasurably.
However, we did not have the other problems you allude to. We always felt like a couple and did what couplse do, just without the sex for a while. DH does work hard but not to the point of obsession and we always enjoyed spending lots of time with each other.

I think you have to decide whether you want to fully rekindle your relationship with your husband or not. If you do, you both need to work on improving things. Maybe have a'date', go out for a meal together, or get a dvd and a takeaway to share. Begin to remember why you fell in love at the start. Show each other physical affection without expecting it to lead to sex. You might find things just develop.

I am not sure I could settle for what you have. In fact, I know I couldn't, which is why I had to muster all the courage I had in order to start the conversation that has ultimately led to us being more affectionate and physical now than we ever were, even more so than when we married over 27 years ago.But, I was aware that had my DH not felt as strongly as I did, that conversation could have led me to a very different place. I had to take that chance. Only you will know whether you have to or not.

Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. smile

Thunderbird4 Thu 30-Jul-09 19:07:02

Hi, it's really refreshing to hear what 'sayithowitis' has to say. I've been in a marriage for years without any intimacy and it's really difficult. BUT, you can live without it, you just have to learn to accept it. (Easier said than done)
We're great in so many other areas that it's difficult to imagine being apart. However, it's always on my mind and my thoughts change on a daily basis. Sometimes I think 'this is just a sham' and think it's time to move on.
We are trying to go to councelling, but I'm not sure that we both want the same thing.

mrsboogie Thu 30-Jul-09 19:11:21

if you haven't had sex since you married you aren't even really married - what in God's name are you wasting your time on this man for?

if he has been working every hour god sends for ten years how can you NOT be well off? are you sure he isn't gay? off with other men when he is meant to be working?

Walk away and find some happiness while you still can. He doesn't sound too bothered.

iamatriangle Fri 31-Jul-09 08:12:38

Thanks for your messages folks. The problem is boogie, he is bothered. If i walk aaway he will be really devestated and in a way that is the hardest thing for me. If i really felt he didn't care I cold walk away with no problems. I'm not sure if he's gay - if he is i don't think he could even admit it to himself, but he's certainly not off with other men.

Outwardly we look like a great couple and it is so hard to explain to friends and family that the truth is so different.

thanks for your comments. when you live with something a long time you lose perspective on what is 'normal'and get into the - is it just me . . .

bigchris Fri 31-Jul-09 08:33:24

are you sure he will be devastated? it sounds like you never see him?

iamatriangle Fri 31-Jul-09 11:44:26

yeah chris. we have had the 'maybe it's over ' talk and he is absolutely gutted. we did used to socialise but it has dwindled and dwindled. We see each other at meal / bed times and sometimes for a cople of hours with the TV - have just realised how hopeless that sounds!blushTo be fair we do go out with friends ocassionally (maybe once a month)if they ask, but he's not so keen if it's just the two of us.

Problem is he has no family so my family (not close by) are his only family and I feel very guilty that he would lose that too.

foofi Fri 31-Jul-09 11:58:08

Feeling guilty isn't a reason to spend your life like this.

sayithowitis Fri 31-Jul-09 12:13:38

I would have to ask what is he 'gutted' about? Is it the loss of his marriage or is it the loss of his comfy life where he gets the benefits of a housekeeper/companion without the emotional and physical demands of being a husband? I was so lucky that my DH felt the same as I did about us, it was just that neither of us knew how to start 'the conversation'. Thankfully, we both wanted a full and proper marriage, not just a companion.

You have to work out:
a)What do you want to be the outcome?
b)What does your DH want to be the outcome?
c)How are you going to achieve the outcome that you (hopefully) both want?

It is not easy. In order for you to get back on track, you both need to want to succeed and you both need to be prepared to wrk very hard to achieve that. You will both have to put in a lot of effort and to be prepared to compromise on some things. But *it can be done*. Like you, we went for ten years without a physical relationship. But we have worked on it and it really is worth it. Whilst our DCs are still at home, they are adults and that makes it easier for us to do 'couple' things rather than 'parent' things.

I really do wish you luck, whatever you decide.

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