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Need to leave but worried about DS

(8 Posts)
mademesmile Thu 30-Jul-09 13:08:00

I need to leave my DH, he has been very abusive for the past 4 years and this culminated in him threatening to kill me whilst he was drunk last week. He feels he doesn't have a drink problem but drinks 5 nights out of 7 and regularly drink drives albeit his excuse is he has only had 3/4 beers and he is fine, but not in my books. The nights he doesn't drive he will often be paralytically drunk and doesn't know what he is doing. When he is like this he always wants to go and get DS out of bed in the early hours of the morning to chat and when I stop this happening DH becomes extremely verbally abusive.

I now no longer feel there is a future for us, I have tried repeatedly to work on the relationship but he has told me he has no respect for me, and is more than happy for me to leave him and meet someone else, and that I am a disgusting C**t so there really is nothing left to work on.

My massive worry is the care of my DS, I do all the care and have always done so, he hasn't bathed him for the last 5 years, fed him, doesn't know where his clothes are in the house etc etc. and I have given him every opportunity to help out, he just feels that is womens work. He does like playing boy sports with him and games with him and being out and about on bikes because thats the fun stuff, but whenever he takes him out he will 99% of the time incorporate a trip to the pub during the time they are out. Whilst he is in the pub he will leave my DS outside to play, whilst god knows who is around and anything could happen.

I am scared to death that something will happen to my DS whilst he is with him and out of my care if I have to hand him over at weekends.

I know I need to leave for my sanity and it's not healthy for a child to grow up in such a dysfunctional environment. With regards to access is there anywway that I can ensure that he doesn't have him overnight but just every other weekend in the daytime, that way he will have to drive to another area to bring him back to me and that will stop him drinking excessively as he will only run the risk in our own village!

I really want them to have a good relationship and the last thing I want for my DS or his relationship with his father is ta hideous custody battle but I just know that you can't leave a 5 year old to fend for himself.

I would be really grateful for any advice.

cyteen Thu 30-Jul-09 13:10:00

Sorry, no advice (other than to contact Women's Aid) but bumping for you Good luck!

CrushWithEyeliner Thu 30-Jul-09 13:13:23

I have no advice other that to say I think as you know his behaviour is very dangerous and you must get out. I wouldn't worry too much about the custody battles and what not - the first step is that you leave safely. I am sure many wise Women will be on soon to give you practical advice.

Wishing you all the best of luck in the world.

SnowieBear Thu 30-Jul-09 13:37:43

I'm sorry you and your DS are in such a bad situation, but you are quite right in your assessment - you need to leave for your protection and that of your DS. Hard as it may be, you also need to ensure he is protected from his dad's actions.

I do wish you luck and strength.

MerlinsBeard Thu 30-Jul-09 13:41:22

contact womens aid but for now my (inexperienced) advise would be to make sure you both leave as soon as you can do so safely x wishing you lots of strength.

HighOnDieselAndGasoline Thu 30-Jul-09 13:42:47

God, you poor thing.

You should definitely ring Women's Aid for some expert advice on your situtation. Their phone number is 0808 2000 247.

I am not an expert, but there are things like supervised contact if you are worried that your DS will not be safe with your H alone.

Good luck - I hope that you will soon be able to get away from this awful situation.

stressed2007 Thu 30-Jul-09 14:20:29

do you have help in RL? Are there family/friends to help you?

mumonthenet Thu 30-Jul-09 18:47:35

in addition to the other advice...

I think you should start keeping a diary of his insults and threats.

Maybe even record or tape stuff if you can, keep any written records of his abuse and any abusive texts.

Make a note of the dates and places where he takes ds and leaves him alone. There may be witnesses?

Womensaid will give you lots of advice and perhaps tell you to speak to the Domestic Violence officer at your local copshop.

All this will help you support your case when/if you need to request only supervised visits.

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