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Things ended with horrible ex but I still feel bad, anyone else get through this?

(9 Posts)
quietlygreenandhurtingabit Thu 30-Jul-09 11:06:18

We finished things for many reasons, but still in each others lives alot because of dc.

I know we are no good together. He drinks, was unfaithful, got us in loads of debt etc. I don't want another man at all, the thought makes me feel ill in fact. He hurt me too badly for me to get over it.

I am finding it very difficult though how easily he has managed to move on. He goes out alot and seems to be having a pretty fun life. Know he is seeing other people.

I think that I probably still love him but he is such a liability in so many ways that it is not healthy for me and my dc to be with him so I ended it.

Why then am I finding it so difficult to watch him living the life of riley. Don't get my wrong, I love my dc and they are my world but I feel very lonely and sad when he has them and when his family see them, obviously I am not included in this. This is another hard thing as I was very close to his sisters too. They play lip service to still being friends but I know this is not really possible. I don't really have any RL friends here and don't really know how to go about making them. In fact I am a very sad case.

Why do I feel so utterly crap when getting rid of him was so the right thing. I miss him, we used to laugh together a lot but I don't want him back because of his awful behaviour when we were together. Do you know how confusing that is? He seems to have got over us remarkably quickly too. I ended it but I still feel terrible, probably worse than when we were together. That was extreme emotion this is just a constant ache.

Sorry so long. Feeling very sad today.

ginnny Thu 30-Jul-09 11:11:37

Just because you ended it you are still grieving for the relationship you had (bad as it was). It does take time, but you'll get there. Just take one day at a time and concentrate on the positives - not having to deal with his drinking/womanising anymore, having your own space etc.
He probably isn't having such a good life, its probably a show for your benefit to upset you (and its working).
You don't say how old your dc are, or if you work, but if not why not look for a part time job - then you can meet people and make a new life for yourself.

quietlygreenandhurtingabit Thu 30-Jul-09 11:20:50

Oh thank you for replying, you don't know how much that helps. Think you could be right about the part-time job. School holidays atm and dd starts nursery hopefully in January. I don't work at the moment because I don't have any RL support where I am apart from occasional babysitting from SIL.

He is pretty cold actually and I think he probably is having a good time. He always said that he couldn't sit around moping for the marriage ending, he had to be practical. He often said during the relationship that he never gave 100% to it and I can see now that he probably never really loved me for whatever reasons. Think that is what I am finding so difficult. He still tells me he loves me and wishes we were together but he has moved on very quickly for someone who feels that way. I know that is a good thing for him but I still feel sad.

ginnny Thu 30-Jul-09 12:00:42

You will get through it and one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him.
If he never gave 100% to the relationship you are well rid of him anyway.
You do deserve better than this and so do your dc.

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 21:46:46

Just thought i'd offer some support, you are not alone! I don't know what the answer is, I can just hope it gets better. I think it is quite natural to feel sad about the good bits, or even worse, start feeling sad about a fantasy of a relationship or the man you wished he was.

I hope it gets better soon.

maggievirgo Thu 30-Jul-09 21:58:54

The feelings you have now, that doesn't necessarily mean that you still love him. Your lives have been linked in your head for so long that the boundaries of where he starts and you begin are blurry now. That sounds like words, just words, but it does take time to learn to see an x (even one you're glad to see the back of) as just another random person).

A counsellor explained this very well to me, when I had started again. I knew my x wasn't a good man, but I found it hard to let go of his opinions of me. They still had power over me. His judgment of me bothered me, it made me angry and upset..

Despite what you know logically in your HEAD, your identities are emotionally merged. How you feel now is an entirely normal kind of detachment process.

Some people go back to what they know and it feels normal, but not right.

One thing that 'fast forwarded' the process for me was to not see my x, not speak to him, not text him, not e-mail him nothing. It was incredibly difficult to begin with, because all the things he still didn't seem to understand from my pov, they ate away at me. Now, 2 yrs on, I can't remember what htey were, and it doesn't matter what his pov is! The freedom is, I don't care anymore.

I hope that helps at little,,,,,,,,,? What spero says also strikes a chord. I had to let go of a 'fantasy'. That 2.4 children, labrador at the white picket fence fantasy. But it's OK. I DID let it go, so it doesn't hurt every day. It only hurts until you let it go, and then, when you've accepted the new reality, you are fine. HONESTLY>

I wish I could press fast forward for you. zoom you through those tough months.

Spero Thu 30-Jul-09 22:02:27

I endorse what mv says - I read a brilliant book called Letting Him Go or something like that which said just keep it business like, minimal contact if you have to (for eg over children). Anything else keeps promoting an emotional attachment, which is harmful.

I've been trying this for a while and it does help. Best thing I ever did was delete him as a Facebook friend; it used to hurt so much seeing photos etc of the 'amazing' new life he was having without me... of course, intellectually I knew it probably wasn't that great but emotionally you need time to heal, so don't expose yourself to things that hurt if you have a choice.

maggievirgo Thu 30-Jul-09 22:08:52

Spero, I may sound 'wise' but the entire first year after I left my x, I wasted so much time trying to get him to see my pOv. I felt as wretched that year as when I was with him. My mother kept saying to me, "but sure you didn't leave him because he was reasonable! you left him because he was UNreasonable, so don't waste your breath or your energy!!!"

Only when (after the advice of the counsellor) I ceased ALL communication with him, did I begin to feel better. And it has worked. I am happy now. I feel independent. I can know that he's mocking me now and laugh. It doesn't make me want to cry and rage.

I know it is hard to delete a text message accusing you of being selfish and lazy without replying to it though!!! I Know how hard it is to begin with.

squilly Thu 30-Jul-09 22:18:12

I feel so sorry for you. My Sister left her DH a fair few years ago now. He was a drunk, she had turned into the archetypal chubby mummy with 2 teenage kids and a life full of misery.

She met a man through work (she was a part time cleaner, he worked in public services) and had a fling. He wasn't totally good for her, but then she met someone else who was. She's still with him now.

She's no spring chick. She was in her 40's when she left her ex-h, she's in her 50's now. She turned into hotmum...mostly through the grief of losing the love of her life (the ex-h) and through not being able to get through to him and make him realise what he was missing.

Her ex-h drank himself to death about 2 years after they split. He was 45. He never got to see his grandchildren. He didn't see his kids grow up as they didn't bother with him because he was too bitter and twisted to tolerate.

From the outside it looked like he was reliving his youth, but actually he was just caning his liver totally.

It may seem awful right now, but you know you were wrong together. You'll have utterly shit times on your own, but know that you've done the right thing for you right now. The world needs to open up for you a little more socially, so you can make contacts of friendship and then, who knows? Sometimes romance comes when we expect it least.

You have taken control of your life by leaving this man. Now you need to take it a little further and sort out what you'll do next for you. Good luck and remember, a good relationship is worth mourning. A bad one isn't. That doesn't mean you won't, but you've done the right thing.

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